bad feelings

i am not sure how to amend all these bad feelings and hostile thoughts directed at me. i have worried for along time cuz when i would write something it was so negative. i realized years ago i had nothing to write but bad things about callie. she let those times slide over her head and i finally got to the place where i saw the good from her
i think she is a good mother. in fact many times i have thought she is a much better mom than i was. i had the option of hiding behindmy jobs and payed otherpeople to help raise them. yet i find her kids much needier than my bunch
well i am in trouble again. i own the pickle again. i am the bad person
i will start off back at quantana, when gary brought the bottle of whisky and mike drank it. i was the one responsible for letting that happen. no not really but i was the one blamed. actually had i realized gary brought the bottle i would have agreed with him. let mike drink some so he can unwind and get some stress off his conscious and start to move forward. did not end that way but i remember the blame was cast on me
this time i wanted gary to go over callies for his birthday. lets see, he at first wanted a party and have them out. in order to dothat i would have had to go pick them up and take them home cuz he would have been too drunk that night to do it, having enjoyed his birthday. so lets go there. i can drive us home then we changed our minds. i put the words in his mouth he did not want to go there cuz thire house makes him feel uncomfortable. i agree the house is too dark. then i asked that last sat we at least drop off a cake and see the grandkids. he went along with me but would not do it. it seems like this was a good idea as long as i did it and he did not have to bother with it. i know how the kids love cake and i figure with mike not working money is tight enough that this would be a treat to the kids. also we are blessed with gorgeous grandkids lets go take pictures and come home. gary really avoided going over there and you know what. i am to blame this time for trying to force him to go and making a big deal of it. i am the bad person. messed up again didnt i. if i was another person i would have been heralded for trying to glue my family togather and worrying about them. cuz i am me, i was wrong
frankly i am sick of the role of being the ne to blame every time there is a foul up. i want to walk off fro my daughter. i am glad sheri warned me of the letter by the way the letter to callie was written to apoligize to her. i did not deeply read the letter, sheri told me not to read it or take it with a grain of salt. well i skimmed the letter and filed it in my folder. basically what she did was she broke down the contents of my letter, and ripped each sentence, each word apart.
callie wanted to replace me as her mther when she was a child she wanted tads mother to be her mother. that one hurt she told me. i think she wants to morph sheri into that now. sheri wants to put on her superwoman costume and help these two lost souls cuz they need help and she is the one with the power. i think the two of them are going to suckle on her pwer for awhile. so i have no faith in callie. that is what she accused me of. other than the reprive i had from this feeling of doubt in her, i guess i have no faith in her
i am not the happy supportive mother, by her side while they cower in the dark and wait for things to come to them. things like a new car, things like a job. laverne and sunny did good by them letting them live with them for 5 years, they did thier part. of course what happened there was mike and callie established squater rights and laverne and sunny could not get them out. things were pretty tense. thanks to gary we were not stupid enugh to let them move in here.
sure i considered kicking geff out of the trailer and letting them move in there, but the trailer is not in good shape. also they would have migrated here esp when we were not around which is a lot and would have established squater rights over my own home callie was alwasy bad about being free to gothru y stuff and take things. such as the time sh e stole allthe quarters fr mybedroom. she just prematurely took them i will certainly die before her in 40 50 years....
the thing that worries me is not seeing the grankids i hate to lose them but i must back off from her. she can not use them as she has in the past to reel me in.
she hurt me when she shunned me this year on my birthday.
so mama sheri tells me callie is in a world of confusion hurt and not knowing what to do. why is it clear to me. cuz what callie has to do is not easy. but she made her own bed. she should walk her ample little ass to krogers or to the dollar store and work. i am not going to make geffre call her
and this thing she started up with sheri about her jeolousy over geffre is really petty. i have alwasy been close to her cuz she is my duaghter, but he is living in the trailer on our land. otherwise the trailer would be empty. when we go away he watches over bo, nanny and the dogs. when i want a limeaide he goes and buys me one. she never ever did anything like tht. she would wait for me to go by one and while i am there buy her a cherry coke. when she lived with us, she took and took and offered nothng but bad words and feelings back.
so i was set before yesterday to move on again. the letter, sheri put a road block and caused me to stand still again. i have a life of my own and i am going to move forward.
if they lose the house i wont be surprised. if they survive and keep the home, then i will know they did indeed have resources back they did not share with the world cuz they wanted more but did not want to give more.

the subject of this weekend

this is garys birthday weekend. he is double nickle, isnt that grand? he has not had a great birthday but it was not bad. alot of things i suggested he did not want to do, many things we could not do cuz of time constraints and or money.
the truck is now officially his. that deal worked out really well. that truck was bigger than i wanted. i would have been spending too much to keep fuel in it, now its his problem. since dave pays him mileage, it probably works better for him than it does me.
yesterday was pretty good. we got up and went and submitted our pictures for the county fair. i am proud that we made a pact we would do it and we did. if you seen all the things that need to be done around my house you would understand this was an accomplishment
gary found over 10 of his pictures he felt confident enough about to submit. i struggled over the contents of my own portfolio for days and hours and finally choose three, that i wanted to share. i dont know why iam that way. i will look forwrd to things like parites or special meetings with people then when the time comes i dont want to do, i get anxious and if allowed i will back out of it. i have tried taking that issue straight on but in the past had been slapped back, so i dont take things had on like that very often anymore.
given time all things do come to an end
i really got a rush out of entering our pictures in the contest though. i have noticed it is hard for me to feel creative when gary is aound. mostly cuz he tries so hard to help me and i am so bloody hard headed. generaly i just dont want o listen tohim. i want the advise, though. he is so smart about cameras and settings and stuff. it is like my grandmother said about me. i would cut off y nose to spite my own face and it is true
but nonethe less, i got a rush out of it gary did not pick up on this nor did he join into it. he was nervous and had difficulty setting up his pictures. i chatted on with ed and eddie like old friends now in the theme of my life, they will remember it as being gary that did. i dont know why but most people now days dont see me, they see others around me, i am like a spook. or maybe i am becoming like my mom and things dont really happen the way i think
none the less this is my story and i am telling it as i see it
one of the first things ed did when he saw my vintage rose was ask to pick it up and look at it closer. i believe he even commented this is really pretty. my vintage rose is unique at this time. i did not copy it from someone it is my original, but i believe it will be copied if the people that copy it do a better job, thats ok cuz each of us see something different. the nice thing is no one had time to see it and reproduce it in time for the contest. it is the best of my three.
i told eddie that i really wanted to drop in his class the other day. he told me his class is always open to former students. i was thrilled. i would love to see what this class is putting out. that was one of my favorite componets of the class we were in was looking at others pictures. i only ever felt one lady came close to me, and that had been on a week that i did no submissions cuz i had to go out of state on a business trip and had been more concentrated on going and learning the new computer system and getting to knowmy regional manager than listening to my own muse. i had no control over things around me forthat week so did not excercize my muse much. frankly i was blank for something to shot and uninspired that week and although gary had the concept i have yet to capture an idea for that presentation. i will not copy others people unless i see where it can be done better or i see a different side of it that they missed or int he case of krobra challenge. i still have not accomplished shockpics pics
i talked to eddie about running into janice this last week. i hope he did not take it i was looking down on her or a gossip cuz in some ways it was a bit mean. janice was this lady that at the beginning of class i did not like. she got on my nerves cuz she was always interrupting asking questions. whether anyone else got it or not she asked questions in someways we needed someone like her in class cuz he often taught above our head and i think gary mostly got him. thank goodness gary showed me later what eddie was getting t one the cameras. but janice never actually got alot of it. by the third class i befriended her though and found out i liked her she is true to herself and outspoken and one of those unique characters you met in your life that provides you with cute antidotes about the things they find to do, that keep life from getting boring. long sentence like she is. anyway while i was talking to janice the other day she pulled me aside and pointed at another woman walking down the hall to her class. she told me, that the first night of class thier class got no where cuz that woman kept stopping the instructor asking him questions and frustrated all of them. eddie laughed at that. he told me, yea i almost lost it a couple of times with her myself. he also asked me if i still had his email cuz if they ever do thier photoshoot safari, it would be cool for gary and me to go along. i felt honored cuz of of the two ed and eddie eddie was easier to read for me. eddie extended eds invite also. i got a rush out of it.
later when i talked to gary he rememberd parts of our conversation but i guess it did not interest him enough to ask me later about it
my day got better cuz one of my fav authors released a book and i am savoring geting to read it.
gary spent the day on the run. i wanted him to go to callies and celebrate his brithday with the kids but he kept finding things to keep from going there. i feel bad for suggesting it and of course i am the bad person cuz we never made it there and we ended up hurting callies feelings.
i knw callie is going thru a hard time and my heart goes out to her. but i can not rush in and fix it for her. years ago i rushed in and helped her leave kenny, this time i can not bring her back into my home as i did then. she now has two small children and gary does not want kids in the house. i love my grandchildren but i am not charitable t put my marriage on the lines for this and i like coming home to my own peace and quiet. sure i am missing alot of thier lives that could enrich my life, but at this time and for the rest of my life this is not a possibility.
i brought callie back into my house several times and it put mymarriage in jeapardy and the thing was she was an adult and needed to make it on her own all of those times. the last time we moved her ut of here tomy mothers. she made like hard for my mother who is a miser and resents anyone in her kingdom. but both of them were guilty in that story. callie took advantage of my mother and did not even try to get along with her. anyway eventually callie got kicked out of mothers cuz she was 4 or 5 months pregnant and we did not want y mom saddles with a baby in that house. i had already asked enough of my other allowing callie to come in. callie needed to ove on at that point and make the father of that baby responsible. knowing mike now it amazes me we accomplished this.
anyway callie was hurt we did not come by and i really did want to go by with a cake and balloons for the grandkids. gary told me that he was afraid that mike would pull something and after what happend on quantana beach and how mike is acting now days he no longer trusts him to behave. but woo is me, in this story i am the villan.
i know callie has had a rough year and i feel sorry for her, but she has done her own amount of hurting me back this year. she has deeply hurt me several times during her life and i thought she was over being that person, but she is not. she hurt me this year when she did not call me and wish me happy birthday. i wish she would just get the kid to draw a pciture but she can not do that much and althoug i raised her better than this one i have never reiced a grandparents day card from her and i have nevre recieved but one or two happy bosses day cards from my employees, which also hurts. but there i can see cuz i dont send ybosses those cards cuz i refuse tobe seen as a brown noser.

anyway enough about her. she is ina bad place and although i could do more it cost me too much. she needs to grow up and do something and she just does not.i think i am missing alot of truths out of thier story

anyway we ate our dinner on the beach last night. if anything can make up for mexican food being cold, it is eating it on the beach with the man you love. it was sweet and romantic of him. i am telling you he did a good job of avoiding going to callies. whether he would admit it or not.

we got home late and although

conspiracy theory

this is either titled conspiracy theory or go ahead and kick me in the teeth.
so lets go back a few weeks ago. certainly i told you about the weekend, that we took callie and mike with us to sheirs on quantana? well reminded me of these horror stories i used to hear from my mom about when my grandparents would come togather. such as the time alyce and buddy ran into fred and kay at mymoms and had a fight that resuled in kay being thrown down some stairs and having a broken legs. lovely story to grow up hearing when i was a kid. i am not a violent person by nature
so that was the weekend that we gave callie and mike the old van out of the theroy that it would help them. that old rat trap they drive has expired tags, bad windshield wipers and brakes. of course my son in law mike looked down his nose at the 21 year old van that has legal inspection sticker and legal tags. so he got drunk tht night made a big fool of himslef and walked about telling us that he knew how foolish he acts when he drinks, i was foolish enough to think the asshole needed to get a god drunk on and tlet off some tension. well he let off tension cumulating in him jumping out the van. lost a lot of respect for him that night. gary lost some too.
ok it is 4 weeks later and mike is stillnot working. of course he would use the excuse of callies emergcny surgery as holding him back
yes poor callie went to the local emergency room thinking she had a virus. thining they wuld give her something for the vomiting and send her home instead tehy end up keeping her and doing an ercp that day putting a stint in her until the next day when they could take her galbladder out. i took the week off from work cuz honestly after a zillion people knowing that would do that frankly it was my turn to take off and be with my child. it was a tensed week and i had alot of anger. the hosptial service was piss poor. i spent alot of time being angry at things they did there that i thought ws not right. so when she got out i took her home. so when her daughter needed to be registered for school i went and i enjoyed that. i drew the line at registering brando cuz frankly i thought it ws unfair that i get up early drive 30 minutes t get there when they live 5 minutes away and mike could get his ass out of bed and register his son is school. i should have known better than let the register him at 8 in the morning but mike pulled thru. he ws a dummylike myold man would be and did not get the improtant informatin like a change of clothese what about snacks ect.... by saturday i needed a break fromt he lowerys. callie even divulged to me the light bill was due on the 28th and she did not know how they would pay it. same day geff aske me to give him work around the house to pay his light bil. i am not the never ending fountain of money and i would like to spend more moeny on me than giving it away all the time.
ok so calie started turning to sheri. now the conspiracy theory begins. first off i have been told many years ago when geff needed tubes in his ears they would not do surgery cuz we had no money to pay down and no one in my family would have considered helping my grandparents were poor and my parents had barely enough moeny to keep mom happy. my parents would hav never cosnidered helping me with anything garys children needed. in fact they would not acknowldege my sons for years cuz they were garys kids. i hated them for that. that was the kind of prudes they were. gary has done more things form my mom since larry has died than any normal person would have willingly done. gary has done it without being hateful or eman and she has bitten cussed him and been bad. i have trie dnot to be that kind of mother in law to mike and although i refuse to do things for brando that i do for maddie, it is more the fact i always prefered girls to boys and the fact brandon is a brat.
ok so sheri gav them 88 dollars yesterday she gave them adise to go to houston and get the drain removed. callie flatly ignored my advise to go to to the er and get it pulled. should not have wasted my breath. auntie sheri told calllie behin my back not to trust bmh that the dr might do soemthing to spite her if she goes there. instead of going to utmb like the rest of the fools like her that think having insurances is for the elderly and the sick go. so they devised a plan for callie to go to herman hospital there sheri figures tehy will tak out the tubes and do a good job of it. of course i should be glad for the help. callie asked me to babysit thursday now who does she think i am. i dont baby sit i have said for years i dont babysit. and beside that i hav right to send my days as i want and if callie helped me more like with my mo and my life then i might be tempted. she can ask her mother in law or neice. the plan is for mike to take her to houston. according to auntie sheri he needs a chance to redeem himself according to auntie sheri i am too quick to take callies side adn callie makes things sound worse than they are. poor things they are stuck in that house with each other getting on each others nerves. she jumped my ass last night. i let her cu i wanted to hear where she ws comginfrom. she ws coming form a place i think she has ben for awhile and honestly i dont think we should be friends any more. cuz apparently she does not like me very much and she just does not realize it. she looks down her nose at me and does nto getit. i have been mad at her since the time i was drowning and she pushed yhead down further and told me to learn to swim.
well sheri took callie back to the dr and can you believe this she took a tape recorder with her and made the woman state thier policy of recieving at least half of the drs fees cuz there are so many self pay pts out there that just do not pay thier bills. trust me i know this cuz i am one of them. i ws not surprised they told her they wanted money and i hate to admit it although it sucks it seems to be right. medical care is not free unless you are deemed indigent and born of indigency. even when i was pregnant with callie i was too rich to be indigent cuz my step father, who had nothing to do with my own income made too much.
so sheri asked the women she tape recorded would they take the 88 dollars that callie had in pocket from her and they refused. now i do think that was a good move they refused her. so sheri and her planned that if calie has to go to a lawyer later she will have it feels like adamn soap opera you know. but here a piece of informatin callie did not tell me this. sheri did my daughter did not have guts enough to tell me sinc i did not do enough for her the other day that she turned to militant aunt sheri to do something for her cuz aunti e sheri is smarter and prettier and nicer than i am. i know i am sounding like a jeolous house cow but i feel betrayed in all of this. i am glad sheri is tryign to help her but why do i feel like they are purposely going behin my back cuz i cant do enough. sheris surirse over my caling her to tell her about shea grandbaby.
well later when i come back to this
mike will never take callie to houston. he was too lazy and not concerned enough t drive her to the hospital that mornign. whether calie is pitting us against each other and told him not to worry and stay home watch the kids will not be ever divulged. i know the potential is there for that to be the truth but the bottom line to me is no matter what he should have been worried enough about her to gone himself
i am worried about callie and will hate if things get worse for her but the problem is it is in callies ball court. the fact that she seems to waiting for someone to do it for her
i am hurt and i am tired of hurting. i have so much anger these days. i contemplate every day whether this lfe is worth going on with. if i had less people leaning on me i could be hapy.
callies problems ar enot my problems and i hate they are wieghing me down so heaviley. people seem to cont let me down cuz i expect so much of them. i resent sheri giving her the money although i know it helped callie
i noticed on the phone callie is not taking to me much ostly cuz i decided to go back towork and go on with my ow lifeand let her go on with hers.
callie i love you dearly you are a wonderful daughter. but you disappoint me in so many many ways. i am glad you are ok and hope to God you get your medical issues taken care of.
i am sorry that this is not interesting i am sorry for lots of things.

the son in laws gets the pickle

the pickle is this strang eittle xmas ornamanet i bought last year on sale. it is not necessary pretty but it reminds me of the old show laugh in. in stead of the fickled finger of fate, this this the green pickle of fate. looks like mike is going to earn this one this year
it was a bad weekend, well saturday was. my grand idea lets go to sheris trailer out on the beach and have a family get togather. mostly i thought the kids would have fun. the parents have to come to shepard the kids.
mike quit his job. we knew it was coming and frankly the way they were treating him, i would have quit too. and i believe his ramblings on they were treating him like that. i been there and mine was called rcg. not that mike wanted to listen to me he clung to garys skirt tails and for the most part i was wrinkle in the sheet that could be ignored. mike decided along time ago that i hate him, and that is another of his justifications for being such a louse, i am a really hard hard bitch you know. i admit i dont like him, but i dont hate him either other than being the father of y grandkids i cant think of anything else he has done in his life that could impress me.
he seemed to be drunk within 5 minutes of being there. he walked up to me and complained i am drunk this happens when i mix drinks but i dont drink alot but boy i am drunk. in other words i am free now to make a fool of myself and ambled on on how bad i think i am. he cried that he was not worthy of callie and that he was wrong for quitting his job before he had another job. now mind you he had supposed tobe lookng for another job since feb but computer games are more fun than job hunting. he refused the transfer to kansas. well i am glad he did i dont want my family tomove and i certainly did not want callie tobe crying to come home a month later and we would have tofigure out how to get her but down here cuz she is home sick. also that was not right, the man just bought a house and company wants to tranfer him. rexes is not a great store and frankly unlike gary i dont know how long it will be around. they never impressed me. their prducts did not hold up as long. kind a like the walmmart of stores...just not as much stores or staff or procuts in thier stores.
on our way home he got mad at callie and jumped out the van as it was rolling and got lost in the swamp marshes of dow chemical. gary went and picked him up once dow found him and took hi home. callie has not told me much more than that they taked and he was humblized
i did want mike to wind down but i did not expect him to make a fool of himself.
lets see i knew it was a bad day when i was sitting by myself int he trailer and no one had remembered that the baby brandon was asleep and left unwatched int eh trailer. i used him as an excse to stay ther ena dnot have to venture down to the jetties in this heat. although seeing those crabs would hae been col to phototgraph.
sheri had already dissed me. she was mad at me cuz i told her about geff getting anew puppy and my cavilair attitude pissed her off. she would not even sit by me and she did not want to talk to me or listen to me. i tried to finsih my story but it was obvious she did not want to listen, so she embarrassed me in front of callie who was paying attention. at least callie was not taking sides or judgemental over it. but frankly as much as i liked sheri i am sick of her attitudes and just did nto enjoy it. she hurt my feelings on birthday on the way back from my birthday when i was shunned to the back sit with eric, so she could sit in the front seat to talk to her sister, cuz she could not go much longer without getting her sisters attention and having a civil conversation or what ever her attentions were. sure i should have ridden home with gary and if i could have i would have and left thier little family togather. instead of being an intrusion. i thought she wanted to spend time with me her best frined but she had had enoug of me. as usual i expect tomuch from her.
its not her fault that y familybehaved so badly.
gary infuriated me looking for mike. he yelled at brandon and was a reall asshole. i know that brandone is a bad kid and i dont like him either when he acts like he was. but poor maddie was sitting next to him with her little hands over her ears trying to hide while gary yelled over and over shut upto the child who was obviously not listening. that to tell you the truth was the low point of the night and i think i am so glad i was driving at that point cuz i could not have tolerated gary yelling at the boy and trying todrive the truck. we would have surely had a wreck.
it was a horrible weekend. and to tell the truth there had been that point in the trailer that i told myself drive off and leave these assholes along. but i was not feeling well about leaving brandon by himself and did not want to take him withme either
i did manage to do one thing for myslef that although it was not much i am glad i did it. i got to visit darlenes monument. it was torn down. idont know if hippy guy took it down cuz he was not getting any mileage from others off of it or some assholde descrated it for the fun of it. some of the shells were still there, the crab and cross were down and for some reason i thought someone tryied to burn it, although i did not see that. i left asingle black rose there for her. i felt sorry for her and although she would have disgused me in real life, in death i felt saddened for her life. i drove down the beach wondering if anyone back at sheries trailer would even miss me if i drove forever and when i came back the rose was at least still there and no one had stolen it yet for thier own collection. i dont know if it willbe left there, or kicked down and walked on or stolen for someone else purpose, but at least i put it there and that was something i wanted to do. it is funny to those closest to me no one had realized how touched i had been by that monument. no one cared enough to listen. the sherbos were more into thier precious being lost with me to care anthing more. the sherbos are really really into themselves
my should hurt realy bad yeseterday. i felt like crying at points but why i wanted to cry was there was no one that cared. gary was eat up with his hang over and his back ache and all his issues. but i was ok with him until he started yelling at me i was going to sale the camaro for 500 dollars cuz we needed to get it out of the drive way. another reason he let me down. i wish he had helped keep her up. you see i get punished around here cuz they think i am lazy. forget the fact i may make the money to pay for the bills for the toys. forget the little things i do like made dinner yesterday and saturday night when we were hungry cuz no one ate well at sheris. sure i was stupid saturday morning while i was running the roads to get my mom taking care of and picking up my little magic pills to expect gary would cook us breakfast cuz no he ws too busy rolling and seeding and loading his truck for thei trip to sheris
this was my weekend but nothing about it was for me. my money is expected to pay for other things. as i went to bed last night he fussed abotu me making the arrangmeents for hotles for our trip. i worked really hard for that money and now i have topay for the whole trip i am going to sit in meetings while he gets to run the roads and this stuff is suposd to come out of my pocket. it would not have been so bad if i was not wanting the lens and if he had not bought himself a the tool box. and he already has his windows tinted and he moves forward. he bought himself toys liek flashlights and knives and thinks i am blowing too much money on clothes or no i can wait cuz we need moeny for the vacation
last year when he worked hard and got all that moeny from dave he ran out and bought hismelf 2000 worth of camera and equipment. he would never do that for me. he once again made this promise i would get the upgraded camera and he would take the other one. well when it happened he got the upgraded camera. actually tht did not matter expept i remember years ago promising me if he won a vehicle i would drive the vehicle since i drove further and took care of thekids and he kept the vehicle. selfish of me but ... dont make promises
although i think mike deserves the pickle for his antics i feel soured by everyone around me. yesterday i should have gone out and done something to lift my attitude but my shoulder hurt so bad that i ended up being buzzed by the pain management. today the shoulder feels lumpy but does not hurt like it was yesterday. i am not scheduling rooms until he puts some money forward to the trip too. its been ahile since he did something nice like brought me flowers and i would not have even got a card from the ass if i had not pushed for that. zz top was not my venue, it was for bo if anyone. sure i had fun...
well off to another hard work at week. i am pressured and need to get alot done and having ahrd time doing it. i cant trust those i delegate to to do things right. see i knowmy problems are that
moms legs look horrible and if there was a reason to kill myself she is it. i hate taking care of her i hate being respobsible for her. i dont feel like anyone has ever been there to take care of me althought gary loves me he does not take care of me and i dont feel like taking care of anyone else. but hell gary is wanting me to take care of him he was jealouslof me taking care of the kids when they were little instead of him and now he does not expect it and he does not thin he owes me any cuddling or taking care of. well i am in a pckle do a mood this week and the problem is i need to just get off my ass and go forward into this week
ta ta for now

are you sure its not a full moon tonight?

Ever leave home thinking you forgot something or fogot to do something? this plagued me all day but i have never found out what it it yet. i left work with the same nagging feeling.
what a day. i worked hard and for the most part it was for nothing more than an edcuation to me. from the school of hard knocks. it actually more affects a patient than me, but i worked hard to make everything right and when i fixed it all one sooth swipe of the ceo and all was for naught. it was not that i liked the patietn. i think she was a whiny little thing who seemed less capable of taking care of herself than the puppy who currently resides in mylap. it was not that i thought the pt worked hard for the right for our semi free medical care in my country cuz it seemed obvious to all this was nother place of birth. when taking care of pts this stuff is not supposed to be important taking care of the sick is what a nurse is supposed to do. in that part i did my job. i had told the hospital and the pts family allweek my unit couldnot accept her and they needed to get busy. i watched them mill around her talking thier native language to my non comprehending ears. today the husband took accoutability and tried. and i got an answer from ss and i had gotten that answer before on other freeby pts, that had been acceted in our unit. whether it bothered them that thier care was free or whether they just expected to be taken care of not of my concern. but this one particular little patient got runred down. i made a zillion calls today while working on my own paper work trying to pave the way for this pt cuz i did not want her to go home and die. or as bad as dr l predicted she would be back to the emergency room every other week until she died and hopefully not while on our machine. the upside was dispite y best attempt aybe she will get accepted somewhere else. next week it will be a new problem
ok one of my prn people is in jail. does nto surprise me, she is trashy but then again you would think at her age, she would have the intelligence to keep herself out of jail the way she brags that her boyfriend is rich, youd think he would bailher out of jail. and as smart as she claims to be about her profession you would never expect her to make the mistakes she makes. actually she is messy and skanky and if i had a longer list of prn people i would never call her. she would fade away into obvilion but in the area where we work having two prn people is a blessing in itself.
my pal asked me last night was my problem last night. which confirmed my fear that i talk more than listen to her cuz ialways think i have have bigger issues, whereas most of them will fade away soon enough
all but my biggst issue she is wanting me to listne to her newest cococted story of murder and conspiracy theries and last night i did not hae the patience or tolerence to listen to her. i dont want ottake her to the pysch unit again. i am tired of doing this time after time after time. i told gary i wish she would just die and he was appalled, but i explained to her that this was not a wish for pain or anything negative. i truly believe that she is tormented on this earth. she has so many fears and the voodoo people get her dispite the police protection she brags about. yesterday she stood in front of me telling me the voodoo people bite off her nipple, fortunately there was no blood or brusiing so at lest she is not inflicting injury on herself any more italk fo being tired of it like i would a small child that is misbehaving but she lacks the control over these problems and she sees me as a judas since i apparently do not believe her. in my world i dont have time for this. i am busy running taking care of everyones probelsm i dont have time for the ravings of a mad woman. death i would hope will release her from all these early tortues that the chemicals in her atrophied brain inflicts on her, they are very realistic to her.
i would run away from this if i could, but since i do not wish to become a darlene i stay. i live with the guilt of hating her. i live with the guilt of dreading going to her house and having to take care of her. its not her fault, but she still inflicts this on me by her continued existance. some day when and if she dies before i do, i will regret not having more quality time with her, but in the world she has created around her this will never ever happen. so although i would inflict no harm on her i do wish she would just die and go away and leave me alone with my other worldly concerns.
why is it things seem to get harder the older i get?? i thought with age comes wisdom and i would be more able to handle these issues. instead the issues get bigger and harder to handle.
so is there a full moon tonight? somehow there is its just not visible to the naked eye. ta ta for now

darlene's monument

I do not know who Darlene was. I do know i was told she is now a was and the pay tribute to her, dispite her disloyal wonderings, this red headed hippy man constructed a small monument in her memory.
the monument sat by the pier, a mixture of odds and ends, the hippy man had gathered along the dirty shore line. there was various shells, small toys, a bleached out crab, that stretched from tip to tip of his extended pinchers about a foot long. the Simple Cross was 2 pieces of bamboo, entwined securely togather with some odd rope also found abandoned on the beach.
The hippy man first approached us when we were surveying the site with a story of how darlene had died a week ago at the very site of the cross. my young friend and i looked at each other curious, how someone had died on the beach and neither had heard of it Living on the gulf coast, there are many weekends of stories of people that end up missing and later found drowned. It is one of the sad things of living on the coast line. the lives that it reaches out and takes unexpectedly.
we walked on our journey though. I felt that it may have been intrusive to invade on the hippy mans story, my young friend was mostly likely surprised by the hippys casual banter. It was decided after we looked over the gulf, watching the fishermen bring in small crabs, to go back and listne to the hippys story about his darlene.
i have to admit, i listened at first with suspicion. I thought at first the hippy told us that it was his daughter that died. However two things i am not is confrontational and polite. I let him go on over 20 minutes as we lost the day light telling us her story
he told us of how a few weeks ago he had just gotten his weekly check of 220 dollars and had a choice of paying for another week at the hotel where he and darlene stayed or eating. he said that darlene decided they should go to the wallmart and buy a couple of tents and pitch them on the beach. she loved the beach and felt its summerly atmosphere was more desirable than letting go of the scanty money he possessed. there were other things that could be bought with that money.
They pitched thier tent by the steps to the pier partially protected by the overhand of the pier and most definitely allowing not only a seafront view to the ocean, but to the people traversering the stairs, in thier quest of either fishing or to gaze ont he waves as they rolled into the shoreline. he wasi that darlene did leave them for a few days, going off with some men that she knew that had been on the pier. but he quickly pointed out that when these men were thru with her they just left her in freeport.
he told us that darlene was very ill. she was an alcoholic and it was killing her. he said with tears welling up in his eyes that he tried to place her in rehab, but rehab would not take peole unless they had been sober for at least 3 days. she was unable to manage this. he siad that he went to her family and begged them to help. he said that they refused. he said he could not blame them though cuz she had let them down so many times before. he told us he could not blame them. she let him down many times. she had run around on him when he was at work more times than he could count. he would say no more was he going to allow her to use him, but he still would help her each time she was in need
the week before she died, he knew she was in trouble. he begged her to let him take her to the hospital but she continued to refuse. she laid on on a lawn chair soaking up the beach ambience and when the wetather turned to the torrential rains that plagued our area most of this July, she refused to move into the protection of the tent. she was too weak to get up and he begged as he drug her by himself into her tent to let him go down the road to the cafe and call for 911 to come get her, she continued to refuse. He noticed she had large sores on her legs when he drug her in the tent and they alarmed him, but he reasoned they were not sunburn and examined thier causative factors no more. He said he knew things were bad and in his need to make darlene less miserable he went to the store and bought her a 12 pack. she had been a couple of days of no beer, she celebrated this with him by drinking a 6 pack between the two of them
the morning that she died, he crawled out of his old black ford pick up and checked on her to see if she had mysteriously left him in the night, like she had done so many times before. he again asked her to let him call 911 and take her to get help and once again, she argued with him, to leave her on the beach she was better off there, than the hospital. to end the arguement at some point one of them realized they were hungry. she told him she would like some fried shrimp and he went down the dirt road, to get thier food. While he was at the cafe, he ask them to call 911 that darlene was really sick and needed to go to the hospital. they gave him the food, but it seems that they did not call anyone. when he got back the found her dead in the tent. after realizing that he could not revive her, he raced back down to the cafe and had 911 called. It was an eternity to him. he said they took over 30 minutes, this must have been a life time to him, waiting for someone to come rescue darlene once more
since her death he had started gathering items he found on the beach and constructed the little monument.
he told both of us that he hoped that no one would vandalize the site when he wsa gone during the day at his job. His goal was when people saw the monument they would add something to it. with this my friend pulled a large orange floater he had found on the beach and added it to the collection.
I do not know who darlene was or when she acutally died. I was very touched by the hippy man that dispite his protest she was not his love, that he was her friend. he constructed the site in her memory, since life had given her so little at least in spirit she would enjoy the tribute and small treasures around them.
I hope that an kind does not decide to descrate the site in thier blind stupidity to make themsleves look important I wil certainly add something to the monument next time i go I do not know what it willbe at this time, but it will come to me when i go back

49

Hapyy birthday to me. one more year and i am half a century old. wow i am old. only yesterday all my basic needs was tended to by my parents. not that i yearn for those days. sometimes it would be nice to have someone that tended to allmyneeds. sometimes it would be nice to be considered high mainatnace by the ones around me and have them think enough of me not to have to be cold shouldered into buying me a birthday card for my birthday (what yours dont change dates yearly???) and even pick up the phone and call and say happy birthday mom.
i dont know hwat garys problem is. he is satisified giving me second hand rings (at least they did not belong to former fiances of his life) and i am not sure but i think that card he says he ran out and bought yesterday morning cuz i told him he was a cad for not even at least buying me a card, looks very familiar. thats what i get for not scrapbooking anymore. why he thought i should give him sheris payment for the concert tickets is beyond me. he paid for our portion, cuz i was low on money at the time Thank God he could, but i did not feel like i owed him 120 to buy beer with. in the long run cost me more than that in concert shirts and cds for every one.
Thank God for Sheri. she may not realize it but i appreciated her little gifts. i wont admit that i just bought that same cd for myself a month ago. it was a present for me when i bought the titan so i could infuse it with a little estrogen. fact is i will put it back so when i wear out this current copy i have i will put in that one. sheryle crow, how her tunes and melodies have gotten me thru many times in my life
i wish thta my family could learn from her. i would have been tickled pink if gary had just purchased gift cards to various stores, like hobby lobby which is one store down from the shop he works at. hell he did not even have to go across the street to the mall or target. no need to waste that much gas buying a token for me for my birthday. thanks again dear. i told you you bought me that car. gave you an easy out, but that really did not mean i did not expect something more. you say you you are going to tent my windows or put on the mud flaps but we both know you have things you want me to buy you for your truck cuz you never make enough money. so the things i want for my car is way down on the list of things to expectin fact forget the mud flasp i can at least get the windows tinted without help fromyou. the name of that word is self empowerment.
i really enjoyed my birthday this year though. i dont expect anything any better from him and callie of course let me down. she had a couple of years where i have actually respected and appreciated her, but she is back into old patterns and frankly i dont have time for her dramas. too bad the kids are sucked into it. i am walking around with her money for something she swaid she did not have to get paid for. not a big deal. i decided to just push the envelop and tell her that i dont have time in my own busy life to drive that far and let her struggle and wiggle to figure out how to get hold of the moeny. maybe it did bother her that geffre got my precious little mitzibishi. but he was in my site at the time. the car was too small for her and he at least makes semblance of keeping it up. she would not have been able to do this. i dont care what she says about not babysitting, she is lucky to be a stay at home mom, but at least her house could be cleaner and the kids could be involved in a few more outdoor activiites like save the moeny from a pack of cigerettes and take them to the pool for the day. take them to the library and let the librians read to them and entertain and fule imaginations for an hour once a week. there are alot of free things you can do in this life with kds. i do believe i managed to take the kids out at least once a week to do something even with me working and sometimes helping other family members thru thier difficult times. like step dad getting chemo for his cancer ect.
well i can vent as much as i want and it would do n9otthing more than be whining and complaining
i had a great brithday in the long run. it was cool and i can say i spent my birthday on a hill in a thunderstorm. the way i felt about it if iwas going to be hit by lightning better to be there there and have the reputation of being killed by lighting while watching a zz top concert than killed by some malignant disease that eats away at my body or some car wreck that would leave me to rot away and cause my family anguish of lingering life.
anyway thats the birthday. sheri bought our dinner for all of hs at mac grill and i feel bad she spent so much money. but i appreciated it.

monar

it is human to want to be liked. it means we re accepted as a pact into the rat race of humans and it offers protections from others of our species when attacked. the later part of that statement is a big understatement, cuz most people dont have more than one person, maybe two that would actually come to thier defense. most are clamouring t protect thier own little cube, cuz theycant affor d to lose very much on thier likability rating. egos which take daily beatings, do certazin things to keep thier own integrity intact.
hate. i was taught as a child thats a bad word. i was taught as a child that it was bad to say i hated someone, although at the time i severely disliked them. then as you get older you allow yourself to hate others, but you on the other hand dont want to be hated. you want that other person to like you enough to be hurt by your outburst, that they will stop doing whatevery made you mad. now this is very superfilious. there are some people out there that truly deserve to be hated for thier heinous acts against those more innocent than themselves. sorry this blog is not about them. this is about the people of every day living that suffer from passive aggresiveness. i guess this is what you call it
moner, quit. yea. i was not going to beg her to stay. i was not even going to try to offer her more money. did not think shewas worth it. there were lots of things that she held back and did not offer to the job that had she done i would have offered her more money. technically she was good at her job and technically she was one of the best on the floor. but emotionally, she was void. she would not help train new people. she refused to do anything beyond her job. she sabbatauged student lvns by refusing to work with them. she hoped for the best for her star daugher when she went thru lvn schol that no one treated the fair requel like that cuz in her moms eyes the fair raquel was unworthy of being treated like her mother saw the student lvns treated she saw on the floor other peoples brief brakes from work as her opportunity to complain why they did not help her more. while she sat there doign her crossword puzzles and suduko. she went behind my back and told a pt that already did not trust me that we were out to kill him and he needed to get out of there. she thought i did not know it was her. her final act of hatefulness was her most obvious. she put the first dent on my brand new car. it was so obvious the white paint and i curse her every time i look at it. she wanted to leave a mark to remind me how much she envied and hated me and she did. i alwasy knew she hated me. years ago she was involved in te scam of telling all my spanish speaking pts that i was prejudice and hated them. that is how i knw how she operated. the problem she had this time was the fellow staff members while they trusted her skill on her job did not trust her at all. they all knew what she was capable of and they all said the same thing i thought . she hide like a rat and laid her poop all over the place stinking theplace up.
i hope that little mouse, does what i told her to cuz the only thing i have within my pwer at this time to aim back at her is control of her last check. i will delay it getting to her. i hope it causes her anxiety. it is the only way to raise any flags back at her.
going back to whore town, is not a step up. she is going to find what should have been a step up from the depravity of my unit i can already tell is going to be its own little private hell. in some ways she knew this and she thought she would be powerful enough to control it. she alwasy resented me cuz i walked into a postion she did not feel i deserve. i sat at a desk making three times her salary and did not have to work as hard. she hated me for this. forget the fact i spent more years in college to get there. i did my time other units to get there and i was more qualified than she was to do it. she always felt she should get paid mucho money cuz she could do her job better than other techs, cuz she knew how to work on the machines dispite the fact she did not, that she could do cultures and she did not, she could order supplies and she id not and she could teach potential staff. sure if iwas a better boss i would have stepped up and told her you have to do this, this s what you are paid for. but i dont like confrontation and actually i came to not like her methodology and did not put her in place to do these things. i let her sit on her ass inwardly stewing how unhappy she was and how she needed to be exalted from her lowly stool a couple fo feet fromt he ground, to the thrown over looking all and having all look up to her.
i tried with mona for years. i did many things she never gave me credit for or thanked me for because she was so gilded shethought these things were owed to her. she never thanked me for the extra weekend pay she got when we left mgh to rcg. she never thanked me for the last min calls for family emergencies she was given the time off, she never thanked me for the fact she did not have to work 4 pts at a time and had a 3 pt load. at first when i read a good book i would bring it to her knowing she loved to read to share. when i first came back i did this each time. each time she would tell me thebook was unworthy and she did not enjoy it. i knew fromthat there was not an attempt to connect. i got over it. i have more people to share good books ith. i am not sure why she thought it was improtant to never share pcitures of her randchild with us. the mean part ofme says that the child must have been ugly and she did not want us thinking how could such a homely child come from the loins of the lovely unwed raquel. actually who cared. the lovely raquel proved to be common when shespread her legs and got impregnated with the sperm of some horny young stud without the benefits of wedlock. in mommas dream she will rise in the world of nurses and maybe even take over my job when i am old and feeble bringing in her tendrils of beauty and wisdom that she learned from her mother to change my depraved sick unit to health. this is the gest of mona longoria. the admittedly loved to write tales of fantasy. i can imagine where i was intertwined. the fat old housekeeper that turns in to a pound of poop by the lovely queen... at least i guled her imagination. ha
i hope that whore town makes her realize how easy shehad it when she worked for me. i hope that sharon is still the person i kinda remember and that mona immediately feels he brunt of sharons lack of caring. sharon needs a check and if being a boss gets it for her, sure she will lend her licsne to the place. she lends nothing else of herself to it. she is the first one out te job knocking over her employees o0n the way. i am sure she wont work the floor like i do when tom or jerry are off and although i am not a great worker any more i cna be if needed be. i wont just back off telling the world this is not what i am paid to do and hide behind feigned chest pain to cover my hang overs/ she goes back to a world with some pretty bad staff. ruby was a wart on my ass. she is bad and taints the world a sickly green where ever he goes. mona liked her cuz she could control ruby and for some reason ruby would let her. i hope that blows up in both their faces and quickly over there. she goes over there with the cow brahna who thinks she is the smartest person in the world and she knows better than anyone. i hope her and brahna get in to it some much that she goes to work with daily dread of having to even breath in the same room as brahna. cuz as far as this world goes, brahna, no matter how stupid and how self centered she is will be up the ladder from mona, cuz mona never bothered to bring herself up in this world. she rather sat on the bottom rung telling everyone what she could do than actually climb the latter and showing everyone. having to share that rung with the unhappy rung with ruby wouldbe miserable. ruby alwasy thought the world owed her more cuz it has been so cruel to her and ruby is very very bitter about it. she is severely warped and justified it all that Jesus suffered and so must she cuz after all she is the hand of Jesus. now you might say i misundersttod what she was saying. no not really. i realize in this world that we are all the hand of Jesus and it is up to us to help each other and offer our hand in help, praise, concern and love of each other. not to beat each other down. they bo0th share common ground with they think that more money brings them out of thier little rat boxes but in all it just makes it more crowded in thebox material things accummulate until you have nothing but junk surrounding you.
as a child i tried not to hate people. cuz my mom told me not to. as an adult the older i get the more peole that learn to hate me and think bad of me. most se me as unworthy. id ont do anything that makes people say wow she is good. i dont make waves. i am not pretty so it is easy to overlook my actions. i do alot of things for people but they alwasy seem to think i owed it to them for staying with me. i wont buy them dinner. i refuse to buy them birthdya gifts anymore since i am thier boss i will buy cakes. i realized that when mona left how much she must have hated the cake i bought her. i realize i messed it up with the pen and although the true story was i could not get anyone to write congrads or good luck mona on it. i should have prethought to buy her a cake. i should have arranged a party with food and drink for her. i should have given her something more than a silly little stuffed dog with signatures. in fact i did not even take of my time to make her a collage picture like i have others of memories int e unit. she did not deserve that much of my time and effort. but she missed the fact i was the only one that wen out and bougt a cake for her. i picked one up her favorite color pink and it was pretty. i bought a nice card for her, althoug i believe ipaid 50 cents for it at the dollr store and i paid under a buck for the dog that i had passed around for a going away present. jerry did things nicer and bouhgt her a meal for her last day. that was mighty nice of him and he did ot have to do it, but he did appreciate her. her expertise in her job saved him alot of work cuz he did not ave to second check her and he could trust her. not to make his work harder. i was low on money. iwas sweating my check that week cuz spent mymoney buying back my mitz for geffre.
when we first bought the titan i refuwd to drive it work cuz i told gary someone would key it or do some harm toit. well i was proved right when i drove my new altima to work and moner slammed my door into the door. she even left white paint. maybe i should have called the cops. i was thinking that last night. last night i went ot bed depressed cuz although i kenw fromt he day i walked back int he unit howmuch moner hated me. i knew she was the one that warned everyone i did not need to come back to run the unit that iwas bad news alhtough now one would every confest to me which one of them said it. i knew it was not shirley cuz she was the one that called me to come back. ruby did not know me well enough in those days. i had left her with a good feeling and jerry did not know me. mona hated me or being able to come back she thought her and lucy had squashed me when they went around telling allthe hispanic pts i hateed mexicans. it was a good thing andy was alive back then and he knw better. he knew i liked and admired him. he knew i felt concern for all my patients dispite skin color and he not only chose to ignore them but he chose to tell others that it was untrue i was a better person than that. of course andy is dead now and this time mona worked with me the opportunity to spread that around did not arise
baycity is a bad place. it isnot the type of bad place you go work cuz it empowers you. i often hate myself. i hate to watch myself for sinking too low in its belly. i spent years ashamed i worked there. i dont feel the shame like i used o. now i just dont share the information. i realize i could so brag tothe world iam the boss i am the adminastrator. i make good money. but i am not that way. when people ask me who i am i tell them i am just a nurse, and then think tomyself how iam ahsmed for telling them this when my job now longer involves direct nursing care. it involves montoriing numbers and running of the staff. a staff that hated me. i knew if i was a king the peasants would boil and eat me but we are not in that realm. well until lator gator

june blues

been awhile since i last written. thought about it alot, but there has been no free time to write and when i find it i generally have someone looking over my shoulder or talking at me, i gues trying to distract me
i feel depressed. i think feeling depressed is about having too many options. you get so crushed by all these choices you are submerged and depressed.
when i am anxious, i dont have enough choices. and apparently i am not content with any of them
the place bewteen these two places is like balancing a pole with a can underneath for me. cant seem to find more than a few seconds of having both places balanced and standing still.

my time is at a premimuim now days. more and more people want a piece of it. more and more they think they and thier time is more important than mine and more and more is my time appreciated or even noticed. it is just expected. i admit this came from garys comment, which may have been innocent enough that sheri should have kept that book people who do to much for herself. i admit sheri does alot for people. i admire that about her. valerie michelle eric and bill are lucky to have her in thier lives. i bet they underappreciate her the way i feel. i would like to say that a few times, like the time my poor little baby meany me had a hurt back and she took her to the vet, i really really appreciated sheris time and energy.
why people think cuz i am the boss that i can take off and leave when i want to. i dont, but no one appreciates that. they see the other times when i see a break and make a break as enough.
i feel as though i am struggling to stay on top of it all. i would like some free time just to play with my camera and have my world to myself, without the usual intruders for a few days. bo needs to go to callies. he means no harm and i am harming him with my reclusive attitude.
the last few days i realize i need to do something for gary. no one every does and it si myplace to do this. but i am so wrapped up in my wants i forget to address his. poor guy is really looking old. his hair is silver, what little he has left of it. i love him very much and he does not seem to expect alot from me or for me either. its the for me that drags me down. everyone brags how much he loves me and i admit it is nice to be reminded. but i would like to see him put me on a pedistle some times.
i Hope to My God that Margie does not walk in today. Please it would just be more than i can bear. i feel i am doing it all on my own. and the problems that come with that is i am the one that will fail, fornot getting it all done. the expectations on me at my job are unreal. and i am actually unable to do it all. however i am too selfish to quit.
dr l is a little napolean. he has his own agenda and he trots around in his own little self ritious world. i am sick of the threats and i think more of a person would yell at him for those mental threats he thrusts on me. such as acutes, how he will throw in my face. what are you going to do when you have to be there all night, dialyzing hiv or gun shot wounds?? well actually this is part of that job. i hate how he tries to use it as a threat against me and that is often how i feel about it. then like this new pt that is trying to gain entry into the unit. i admit i dont like this man and i think the man will be difficult and will rock our boats. i admit that if i was allowed to be choicy he would not be admitted. however it is my job to admit pts that need to dialyze there cuz that it why we areopen. it is not my job to be picky. the staff would love this cuz they would like all the easy pts in the world. they want them to come in give them a spit of dialysis and pay them for 40 hours of work. the game is to see how little work you can do for the same amount of pay. mirrors what i do. i try to get by with being off days and working short days and getting 20 hours work for 40 hours pay. has not worked that way lately. when it is not i expelct someone to look up and say you need help in your personal life. but it does not happen.
well i really need to go shower and get this day going. until later gator

a different sort of vacation

Did you know that vacations can come in many different shapes and forms. Most people when they think of a vacation they think of the standard type, like take me away to a tropical island. sometimes people just take time off from thier jobs and stay home and cathc up on the work that they have gotten behind on. these are generally not that much as far as vacations are concerned. you go back to work tired from working your butt off and not getting away from the things in your normal day life. nothing to really challenge your mind or eyes or your soul. just some days off from work. most of us get those during a typical week, called a weekend.
in a way i have had a vacation for the past 5 days. even got away from here for 2 of those days. gary is in port aransas on a job. so no hubby to come home to. sure i miss laying in bed by him at night, but the dogs have enjoyed having the bed with me. bo went to his sisters and i have not had time to pick him up and geffre has been working evenings. i have been going to work during this time, but when i come home other than feeding my dogs i dont have to wryy about a dinner. yesterday i ate half my lunch and bourhgt the other half home for my dinner. this is a vacation. and i admit although i have missed gary i have enjoyed it
today i am going to do some running around. i have not had a running around day for awhile. i admit at least going to work, i dont spend any money but mothers day is this weekend, and i need to buy my mom something. i dont think i am going to pick up anything for callie, she has a family to buy her something. i do feel callie should at least give me a card, but she is too lazy to buy stamps, like the stupid batteries for the camera, she is too indifferent to buy batteries, it is not that she does not have the money or she thinks the moeny should go somewhere else cuz it is tight. if that was so the kids would not get toys and video games.
i am going to have to wrok hard for the next few days. sure i dread it and i hope i dont have s stupid acute tomorrow cuz i am so proud of my portfolio i want to present it and see if they think i have talent. it is one thing to think i have talent, but i want to hear it from the teachers. i need to hear this.
i know i am not going to get a new vehicle this year. this is another one of those years where i am entitled nothing. i am to give and give to others and watch them get things but i am to get crumbs. i shold be greatful for crumbs right? instead of a week in vegas or getting to go see shea lanay in florida, i get a mini vacation from my family. this is good though. the crumbs are tasty. i am seeing lots and lots of signs this years and pathways. i know others are not noticing signs cuz they are wrapped up in thier own lives. i have to learn not to get so weighed down by disappointments that i drown in a rut again. if i dont get to go to class tomorrow i will be in a new rut because the task i sat out to accomplish will have been denied me. and i will resent the pt who ihave to dialzye. although they may not wished to be sick or to be in the hospital, once again i am expected to be the mature compassionate adult and take care of another needy person. yes i will be mad. i never babysat as a youngster and dont like doing it as an adult. going to class is a small thing but i need the class tomorrow to affirm myself. having gary take it to class does me no good. i do alot of things for lots and lots of people. i dont get acknowldedged for most of it. i watch other people that do much less than i do shout thier little insignificant accomplishments and bask in it and for the most part i dont do that. for this instance i need this.
ok i live my life on a pity party. its my party and i will whine if i want to. party on garth. until later gator