i am not sure how to amend all these bad feelings and hostile thoughts directed at me. i have worried for along time cuz when i would write something it was so negative. i realized years ago i had nothing to write but bad things about callie. she let those times slide over her head and i finally got to the place where i saw the good from her
i think she is a good mother. in fact many times i have thought she is a much better mom than i was. i had the option of hiding behindmy jobs and payed otherpeople to help raise them. yet i find her kids much needier than my bunch
well i am in trouble again. i own the pickle again. i am the bad person
i will start off back at quantana, when gary brought the bottle of whisky and mike drank it. i was the one responsible for letting that happen. no not really but i was the one blamed. actually had i realized gary brought the bottle i would have agreed with him. let mike drink some so he can unwind and get some stress off his conscious and start to move forward. did not end that way but i remember the blame was cast on me
this time i wanted gary to go over callies for his birthday. lets see, he at first wanted a party and have them out. in order to dothat i would have had to go pick them up and take them home cuz he would have been too drunk that night to do it, having enjoyed his birthday. so lets go there. i can drive us home then we changed our minds. i put the words in his mouth he did not want to go there cuz thire house makes him feel uncomfortable. i agree the house is too dark. then i asked that last sat we at least drop off a cake and see the grandkids. he went along with me but would not do it. it seems like this was a good idea as long as i did it and he did not have to bother with it. i know how the kids love cake and i figure with mike not working money is tight enough that this would be a treat to the kids. also we are blessed with gorgeous grandkids lets go take pictures and come home. gary really avoided going over there and you know what. i am to blame this time for trying to force him to go and making a big deal of it. i am the bad person. messed up again didnt i. if i was another person i would have been heralded for trying to glue my family togather and worrying about them. cuz i am me, i was wrong
frankly i am sick of the role of being the ne to blame every time there is a foul up. i want to walk off fro my daughter. i am glad sheri warned me of the letter by the way the letter to callie was written to apoligize to her. i did not deeply read the letter, sheri told me not to read it or take it with a grain of salt. well i skimmed the letter and filed it in my folder. basically what she did was she broke down the contents of my letter, and ripped each sentence, each word apart.
callie wanted to replace me as her mther when she was a child she wanted tads mother to be her mother. that one hurt she told me. i think she wants to morph sheri into that now. sheri wants to put on her superwoman costume and help these two lost souls cuz they need help and she is the one with the power. i think the two of them are going to suckle on her pwer for awhile. so i have no faith in callie. that is what she accused me of. other than the reprive i had from this feeling of doubt in her, i guess i have no faith in her
i am not the happy supportive mother, by her side while they cower in the dark and wait for things to come to them. things like a new car, things like a job. laverne and sunny did good by them letting them live with them for 5 years, they did thier part. of course what happened there was mike and callie established squater rights and laverne and sunny could not get them out. things were pretty tense. thanks to gary we were not stupid enugh to let them move in here.
sure i considered kicking geff out of the trailer and letting them move in there, but the trailer is not in good shape. also they would have migrated here esp when we were not around which is a lot and would have established squater rights over my own home callie was alwasy bad about being free to gothru y stuff and take things. such as the time sh e stole allthe quarters fr mybedroom. she just prematurely took them i will certainly die before her in 40 50 years....
the thing that worries me is not seeing the grankids i hate to lose them but i must back off from her. she can not use them as she has in the past to reel me in.
she hurt me when she shunned me this year on my birthday.
so mama sheri tells me callie is in a world of confusion hurt and not knowing what to do. why is it clear to me. cuz what callie has to do is not easy. but she made her own bed. she should walk her ample little ass to krogers or to the dollar store and work. i am not going to make geffre call her
and this thing she started up with sheri about her jeolousy over geffre is really petty. i have alwasy been close to her cuz she is my duaghter, but he is living in the trailer on our land. otherwise the trailer would be empty. when we go away he watches over bo, nanny and the dogs. when i want a limeaide he goes and buys me one. she never ever did anything like tht. she would wait for me to go by one and while i am there buy her a cherry coke. when she lived with us, she took and took and offered nothng but bad words and feelings back.
so i was set before yesterday to move on again. the letter, sheri put a road block and caused me to stand still again. i have a life of my own and i am going to move forward.
if they lose the house i wont be surprised. if they survive and keep the home, then i will know they did indeed have resources back they did not share with the world cuz they wanted more but did not want to give more.
