reinvention is not without its pains, doubts and concerns. i ad hoped to ease on to this withoutany. of course i am plagued with many concerns. such as the warm fuzzies i used to get. does getting older mean less warm fuzzies or does the fact i did not give back enough to get them count or is it we just run out of them at points in our lives?
i honestly dont know what to do sometimes. the fact is i would sit still and not do something rather than jump in and invove myself more. then sit back in envy i do not move around as easily as i see others. thats history.
in the middle of my second week here. i m stuck now with no other options. the dialysis options re closed doors. even if i could get hired in a local unit, it is not want i want to do althoughit is something i can do with ease. i will nevr foget the first time i ever worked in a unit other than the unit i was working the next unit lake jackson was so different than where i worked. so much more aggressive. i did not want to beseen as stupid or slow but pretended ease doing things like injecting ferrlicet or manitol, when i had come from backwoods bay city and we had never been allowedto do that.
anyway my second week and i have had a patient die tw days in a row now granted both pts were dnr's. the ink barely dry on both papers. will it always be that last minute then you can breath thing though? also it bothers me i had been in the rooms at least 20 minutes before each of them died and poof they were gone. thier deaths not as lingering as one would have thought.
mr turk kept pulling towards the light. i saw it and kept pulling in back in his bed instead of the edge of the bed he kept pulling himself towards. he lingered long enough that his family came and saw him and papers signed and he died.
then we had a code down in er on monday.
we took care of that pt the next day so i could learn the vent. his family decided to ake him off the vent. the nurses told him not to advance so fast thru his diet, he died 9 hours after he was extubated and of course not before the end of the shift. (pesar) it was sad the dghtr was crying so hard. she said it was what he wanted. i kept thinking at least they could have gotten him something he wanted to eat. he ould have held it in his mouth sucked out the flavor and then spit it out. i realize they did not want to directly cause his death
deaths come in threes. my fav pt from mrdc died last night. charlie the cowboy. he was a good man and helping him and his family always made me feel good. this man never had a bad thing to sayabout my unit and when i quit, he was the only one that called me and told me how much he missed me. of course he was the only one with my card. but iloved him. i hope he did not think i only just said it. i meant it.
i realized today that its been a month since i walked out on nra. feels so much longer already.
there is not a day go by i do not think of mrdc. at least i have found i do not think about it when i am at work. i am not sure about the people i work with but sofar i can say they are not gossips.
jennifer is good at what she does. she multitasks well and her skill is incredible. i was at that point in dialysis. it seems i am not needed in dialysis anymore
i recieved an email tday about them havinga valentines party for the pts today they had a singing contest and sounds like it was good for the staff and pts. i would have like to taken pictures but i would not hav liked having to herd the staff to do it. maybe they gladly did it. but i remembered trying something similar years ago when i ran bkc. i tried the secret sweet heart thing. it failed miserably. so i guess i did not feel encouraged to repeat previous mistakes. i often thought about doing more for the pts, but i felt like i did so much by myself and tired of it. i got selfish cuz no one ever made efforts for me and i got tired of running my own life and doing for what i thought was an ungreatful bunch of pts. too bad for the pts i let the staff ruin my expectations of the world. of course some of those pts were no better than the staff. but it was none of thier faults, it was mine.
now i dont have to worry about it being someones birthday or having to make arrangements. i am sure if i was still there bennie would have dumped most of it on me. i would have enjoyed watching the pts though
i hope that this dying trend subsides and i can get about learning at the new job
happy one month anniversary. i realized it too late to celebrate catch it later
