Ever leave home thinking you forgot something or fogot to do something? this plagued me all day but i have never found out what it it yet. i left work with the same nagging feeling.
what a day. i worked hard and for the most part it was for nothing more than an edcuation to me. from the school of hard knocks. it actually more affects a patient than me, but i worked hard to make everything right and when i fixed it all one sooth swipe of the ceo and all was for naught. it was not that i liked the patietn. i think she was a whiny little thing who seemed less capable of taking care of herself than the puppy who currently resides in mylap. it was not that i thought the pt worked hard for the right for our semi free medical care in my country cuz it seemed obvious to all this was nother place of birth. when taking care of pts this stuff is not supposed to be important taking care of the sick is what a nurse is supposed to do. in that part i did my job. i had told the hospital and the pts family allweek my unit couldnot accept her and they needed to get busy. i watched them mill around her talking thier native language to my non comprehending ears. today the husband took accoutability and tried. and i got an answer from ss and i had gotten that answer before on other freeby pts, that had been acceted in our unit. whether it bothered them that thier care was free or whether they just expected to be taken care of not of my concern. but this one particular little patient got runred down. i made a zillion calls today while working on my own paper work trying to pave the way for this pt cuz i did not want her to go home and die. or as bad as dr l predicted she would be back to the emergency room every other week until she died and hopefully not while on our machine. the upside was dispite y best attempt aybe she will get accepted somewhere else. next week it will be a new problem
ok one of my prn people is in jail. does nto surprise me, she is trashy but then again you would think at her age, she would have the intelligence to keep herself out of jail the way she brags that her boyfriend is rich, youd think he would bailher out of jail. and as smart as she claims to be about her profession you would never expect her to make the mistakes she makes. actually she is messy and skanky and if i had a longer list of prn people i would never call her. she would fade away into obvilion but in the area where we work having two prn people is a blessing in itself.
my pal asked me last night was my problem last night. which confirmed my fear that i talk more than listen to her cuz ialways think i have have bigger issues, whereas most of them will fade away soon enough
all but my biggst issue she is wanting me to listne to her newest cococted story of murder and conspiracy theries and last night i did not hae the patience or tolerence to listen to her. i dont want ottake her to the pysch unit again. i am tired of doing this time after time after time. i told gary i wish she would just die and he was appalled, but i explained to her that this was not a wish for pain or anything negative. i truly believe that she is tormented on this earth. she has so many fears and the voodoo people get her dispite the police protection she brags about. yesterday she stood in front of me telling me the voodoo people bite off her nipple, fortunately there was no blood or brusiing so at lest she is not inflicting injury on herself any more italk fo being tired of it like i would a small child that is misbehaving but she lacks the control over these problems and she sees me as a judas since i apparently do not believe her. in my world i dont have time for this. i am busy running taking care of everyones probelsm i dont have time for the ravings of a mad woman. death i would hope will release her from all these early tortues that the chemicals in her atrophied brain inflicts on her, they are very realistic to her.
i would run away from this if i could, but since i do not wish to become a darlene i stay. i live with the guilt of hating her. i live with the guilt of dreading going to her house and having to take care of her. its not her fault, but she still inflicts this on me by her continued existance. some day when and if she dies before i do, i will regret not having more quality time with her, but in the world she has created around her this will never ever happen. so although i would inflict no harm on her i do wish she would just die and go away and leave me alone with my other worldly concerns.
why is it things seem to get harder the older i get?? i thought with age comes wisdom and i would be more able to handle these issues. instead the issues get bigger and harder to handle.
so is there a full moon tonight? somehow there is its just not visible to the naked eye. ta ta for now
