reflection. i get it. self eval and analysis of my life ongoing. i spent the early part ofthis week playing a game like someone that has sprated from a spouse. bargaining to go back. expecting to be taken back, but this is a different situation. i walked out on that job. i hated it while was there but now i want to go back. but i dont know if i do, i just wanted to be asked. i need to leave it where it is at though at this point. i am missed by the ones that it was important to me to miss me. it touches me the pts miss me and it touches me that the hospital district misses me and thinks that i was the best thing tat could happen tothat place
i can see if i try hard enough i will get to a point of being liked respected and cared for at my new job. i see it. it is a realistic goal
i am sad that i have had nothing to do enjoyable the last few days. that is my fault though.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
the four phases
i dont remember who's 4 phases they are and it seems like to me when i started college this was a new innovative concept. the first starts with denial. i went thru that during jan. mixed in with anger. i told everyone cuz i wanted to feel vindative. anger i took this job to space myself as far as i could from it. anger not getting unemployment.
bargaining, is that now? the pts supposedly finally started that petition, i encouraged last month. well my sourse is shirley who is not a good source. her information in the past was exkewed. i learned to take most rumors she brought to me with a grain of salt n let them play out. she was mistrusted by many n Altho i kne she had spnt her own fair share of mouthing n running me down it never bothered me cuz i had her number and she was predictable. i also creditd her for being istrumental in bringing me back. i never empowered her with credit cuz she would have used it in an inappropriate way that would have brought shame
so anyway it has fanned a flicker of hope that i couldbe asked to come back. apparently this means alot to me. i remember running into old pts from the first time i left bay city to the time i left lake jackson. the hope they would tell me how much they missed me and i should and could come back. then of course their following lines each of those times was to tell me that they had been told that the possibility of me coming back was nil cuz they had been told i had messed up and did some bad things. it always angered me to hear this becuase i didnot think these things were true. in both of those jobs i had worked my butt off, often doing the jobs of two to three other people and each time i left it was discovered, much to the dismay of my managers. i am typically so lay back and seem to do things so effortlessly they each time discoveredmine were hard shoes to fill. both of those times they filled them with hateful remarks, to make thier efforts look better. each time they said them to people that were ready toembrace that i was bad, cuz i had left them and my doors were shut. each time i hung my head down and walked down different paths. ashamed to be remembered this way ashamed that dispite my best efforts i was not given credit for the things i did do. i actually had vindacation when that monster peggy acknowledged that when she had audited lake jackson it ran well until i left. however i never understood why she hired gwen who did have reason to hang her head down. she was the one the unit failed under. i guess peggy felt sorry for her cuz she saw that rcg was really the big bad. funny thing there i saw it long time before everyone else did. even the drs pulled out of that
ok so today i did not want to go into bay city. i wouldhave been so happy to stay away, but caroline pulled a stupid stunt and i have let her know how stupid it was. she had to be admited and unfortunately she may have to go in the nursing home. and i will not be able to rescue her this time. i will have to keep her ther to waste away and die. is that a better existance than finsihng her life in that home, maybe it a neater end for her. maybe less hassle for me, but my hopes and concrens about bay city are more prevalent at ths time
i am bargaining. i was told by someone today and i could not even remeber her name or barely her face, i am so dumb. 'that place has gone to hell it is a mess. why have they not called you back yet?' wow. i did not prompt her to say this she told me this out of the blue well she is right why have they not called me back? actually alot of reasons. the top layer is bennies pride. she almost let that place go to hell that day margie was there. she could have called me but she was willing ot let it fail and then subsequently blame me when the unit wasclosed down for walking out. whether in her panic this was foremost it was at the back of her mind. how far to take her vengence on me. the unit may have been rescued by the dik in the box jerry. he rushed in and gave the right answers and saved the unitwell my wishes were not to close that unitwhen i walked out it was due to pride and it was due to a certain conviction that i was not going to cont to be the same slobbering mongrel they thought i was. they looked down thier noses at me, dangled my job and my humility on a string like a rotten piece of meat in front of me and thought i was desparate enough to drool and not leave. had it been a team work thing and i would have been treated as an equal then i could have stayed. unfortunately for me i was so drained by the trauma of what happened i was stunned, drained and angry. it was not thier place to worry about me and since i had been treated badly before i felt it was an appropriate decision to flee. i walked out not giving them a chance to say they tried to talk sense to me. without giving them a chance of frowning down on stupid me. i left them saying i refused to work with them to fix the unit. i walked out of them and left them all that work. some of that work was unnessesary but i doubt they even told nra all the time and things they were doing in the pretense of hard work. i thought the notebooks for employee files was the stupidest thing i ever saw, next to the coffee pot. lost of people were impressed at first tht the unit looked so damn good. why they cleaned it up. and that was another bad thing about me. i honestly never found the place that bad. sure it was cluttered but i am a cluttered person. i tired to look at times but what i saw did not bother me.
i was very angry when i left. iwas tired. i held that place togather bymyself for a long time they had been happy to leave me alone. i never ran that place thinking oh well if i fail who cares, cuz i did care. i prayed each night please dont let margie walk in tomorrow and close us down. i looked at things i thought she would get us at, but then i had a block. the blick was i was scared to give more of me cuz i had with the last two units i had run and i had been crushed like a roach when each was thru and left to die, while others ran around and boasted how they were so perfect and how they fixed my messes. i never had the voice to call them liers. i slunk away in embarrssment and anger. i guess that is called passive aggressive.
there are parts of me that liked what i did. i liked telling others what to do and i liked the power. in my new job which i frequently refer to as the jennifer show i act timid and shy. i have not shown what i can do cuz i dont want to intimadate anyone. i dont want things dropped in my lap cuz i am capable. i want to see the ropes and i want to test them before i have to pull them. jennifer made me mad that day she todlme i should have been with her when she talked to that angry family about thier relative going hospice. well i didnot feel like following her like a dog. i dont remember her asking me to come too. it embarrassed me when she told me this but then i realized later she really does not know me or who i was. i am more than capable of handling that. i handled such things in my dialysis job. my problem is i dont sit on the counters and tell my glorious story of what jobs i have done and how i pulled them thru. i tell tidbits that show i been around the block but i flet had theyknown i was an adminstrator before coming there, they would blow me off as lzy or slow cuz i spent 6 years sitting behind a desk and not on the front lines, like her. well the thing is my reality was so differnet than hers, she would never be able to relate. once i know this place and the ropes i can do what she does. i just hope i dont come off as coarse as she does sometimes. sure the place dnt need a bleeding heart like me. people like thier icu nurses tobe coarse and concise. i guess
thats a whole different story.
back to mywoes about bay city. i have pondered this. i know it is aplace of comfort and myterriotry. i feel in my heart that unit will always be mine and that it needs me to run right. i want to be asked to come back i can imagine what i would say is the problem. would i be stupid and go back? there would be the doubts since i ran out before. there would be the staff of people that i really dont like left. there would be bennie who i do not like or respect. i do not appreciate how she treated me. although i am sure in her heart she feels that she was doing her job and i deserved to be treated that way. myforgiving soul can get that. my practical side says had she not believed that i was a lesser being then her christian side would have never ever treated me that way. one thing i have seen inpeople this year. they are content to tell me thier stories and how they have sacrificed and worked hard toget where they are. in some cases thier actions have not supported thier mantras of thier glory. i do wish joe or really brenda would just call me and ask me to come back. i wish that brenda would call and ask me to meet with her and ask me to come back. i would request to not work under bennie, i know that much. sheri tells me of course ask for more money which i guess would be expected, but more than that i resented the lack of benefits i resented that staff getting cash out pto each year and what did i get? a watch/ but in all reality i wear and utilize that watch. the money would have been blown on gifts that no one would have remembered next year. so i call it my 1700 dollar watch.
this is my bargaining phase. i want to be asked to come back. i think i would although i dont hate my new job. i am learning alot there and feel i can and will be good at it eventually. i think i am capable of getting respected and repore with those there.
the more realistic part of me says that nra wouldnot ask me back cuz that would mean some part of them failed. it is easier toblame me. i would like to goback and put that unit togather. sure i regret things. i regret how steph treated angie. i regret i missed the information about using dummy chambers. how can you know a tree fell in the forest unless you been there before? i never blamed shirley. i could have been a lesser person and made it about her failure, but i would nothave felt good about that. now on retrospect, i lied about ruby but itwas myonly out there. she had done me wrong for so long that i took that road and got rid of her. but dispite my feelings about shirly like i stated here in the beginning i was not going to wrong her tomake myself look better.
of course i was looked down for being honest. well this isnot a perfect world. i have sould searched enough to know that i wouldnot have left that place had i nothad t leave withmy head hanging down. i wouldhave stayed cuz my friends and family all felt it was right for me. dispite how unhappy or angry i was. and that is why i think i might not goback. i know that my unhappiness started before margie slammed us.
i still would like the ego boost that for once in my life i would be asked back. i understand that i am dealing with cooperate people who do not care for the humane factor here and it prob willnot happen. i should be greatful for the gifts given to me with peoples praise and good words about me at this time.
i will always be the heart ofthat place regardless who walks in that door. i will always be the key that could keep the heart pumping in its rythym and without life threatening potential. it is nice some acknowldege it instead of all denying it. napolean needs to get a shot of testerone and pullfor his right arm to come back. i brought him respect and he knew it.
well ia tired.
i do hope to write some day soon that what i want to happen is really happening.
bargaining, is that now? the pts supposedly finally started that petition, i encouraged last month. well my sourse is shirley who is not a good source. her information in the past was exkewed. i learned to take most rumors she brought to me with a grain of salt n let them play out. she was mistrusted by many n Altho i kne she had spnt her own fair share of mouthing n running me down it never bothered me cuz i had her number and she was predictable. i also creditd her for being istrumental in bringing me back. i never empowered her with credit cuz she would have used it in an inappropriate way that would have brought shame
so anyway it has fanned a flicker of hope that i couldbe asked to come back. apparently this means alot to me. i remember running into old pts from the first time i left bay city to the time i left lake jackson. the hope they would tell me how much they missed me and i should and could come back. then of course their following lines each of those times was to tell me that they had been told that the possibility of me coming back was nil cuz they had been told i had messed up and did some bad things. it always angered me to hear this becuase i didnot think these things were true. in both of those jobs i had worked my butt off, often doing the jobs of two to three other people and each time i left it was discovered, much to the dismay of my managers. i am typically so lay back and seem to do things so effortlessly they each time discoveredmine were hard shoes to fill. both of those times they filled them with hateful remarks, to make thier efforts look better. each time they said them to people that were ready toembrace that i was bad, cuz i had left them and my doors were shut. each time i hung my head down and walked down different paths. ashamed to be remembered this way ashamed that dispite my best efforts i was not given credit for the things i did do. i actually had vindacation when that monster peggy acknowledged that when she had audited lake jackson it ran well until i left. however i never understood why she hired gwen who did have reason to hang her head down. she was the one the unit failed under. i guess peggy felt sorry for her cuz she saw that rcg was really the big bad. funny thing there i saw it long time before everyone else did. even the drs pulled out of that
ok so today i did not want to go into bay city. i wouldhave been so happy to stay away, but caroline pulled a stupid stunt and i have let her know how stupid it was. she had to be admited and unfortunately she may have to go in the nursing home. and i will not be able to rescue her this time. i will have to keep her ther to waste away and die. is that a better existance than finsihng her life in that home, maybe it a neater end for her. maybe less hassle for me, but my hopes and concrens about bay city are more prevalent at ths time
i am bargaining. i was told by someone today and i could not even remeber her name or barely her face, i am so dumb. 'that place has gone to hell it is a mess. why have they not called you back yet?' wow. i did not prompt her to say this she told me this out of the blue well she is right why have they not called me back? actually alot of reasons. the top layer is bennies pride. she almost let that place go to hell that day margie was there. she could have called me but she was willing ot let it fail and then subsequently blame me when the unit wasclosed down for walking out. whether in her panic this was foremost it was at the back of her mind. how far to take her vengence on me. the unit may have been rescued by the dik in the box jerry. he rushed in and gave the right answers and saved the unitwell my wishes were not to close that unitwhen i walked out it was due to pride and it was due to a certain conviction that i was not going to cont to be the same slobbering mongrel they thought i was. they looked down thier noses at me, dangled my job and my humility on a string like a rotten piece of meat in front of me and thought i was desparate enough to drool and not leave. had it been a team work thing and i would have been treated as an equal then i could have stayed. unfortunately for me i was so drained by the trauma of what happened i was stunned, drained and angry. it was not thier place to worry about me and since i had been treated badly before i felt it was an appropriate decision to flee. i walked out not giving them a chance to say they tried to talk sense to me. without giving them a chance of frowning down on stupid me. i left them saying i refused to work with them to fix the unit. i walked out of them and left them all that work. some of that work was unnessesary but i doubt they even told nra all the time and things they were doing in the pretense of hard work. i thought the notebooks for employee files was the stupidest thing i ever saw, next to the coffee pot. lost of people were impressed at first tht the unit looked so damn good. why they cleaned it up. and that was another bad thing about me. i honestly never found the place that bad. sure it was cluttered but i am a cluttered person. i tired to look at times but what i saw did not bother me.
i was very angry when i left. iwas tired. i held that place togather bymyself for a long time they had been happy to leave me alone. i never ran that place thinking oh well if i fail who cares, cuz i did care. i prayed each night please dont let margie walk in tomorrow and close us down. i looked at things i thought she would get us at, but then i had a block. the blick was i was scared to give more of me cuz i had with the last two units i had run and i had been crushed like a roach when each was thru and left to die, while others ran around and boasted how they were so perfect and how they fixed my messes. i never had the voice to call them liers. i slunk away in embarrssment and anger. i guess that is called passive aggressive.
there are parts of me that liked what i did. i liked telling others what to do and i liked the power. in my new job which i frequently refer to as the jennifer show i act timid and shy. i have not shown what i can do cuz i dont want to intimadate anyone. i dont want things dropped in my lap cuz i am capable. i want to see the ropes and i want to test them before i have to pull them. jennifer made me mad that day she todlme i should have been with her when she talked to that angry family about thier relative going hospice. well i didnot feel like following her like a dog. i dont remember her asking me to come too. it embarrassed me when she told me this but then i realized later she really does not know me or who i was. i am more than capable of handling that. i handled such things in my dialysis job. my problem is i dont sit on the counters and tell my glorious story of what jobs i have done and how i pulled them thru. i tell tidbits that show i been around the block but i flet had theyknown i was an adminstrator before coming there, they would blow me off as lzy or slow cuz i spent 6 years sitting behind a desk and not on the front lines, like her. well the thing is my reality was so differnet than hers, she would never be able to relate. once i know this place and the ropes i can do what she does. i just hope i dont come off as coarse as she does sometimes. sure the place dnt need a bleeding heart like me. people like thier icu nurses tobe coarse and concise. i guess
thats a whole different story.
back to mywoes about bay city. i have pondered this. i know it is aplace of comfort and myterriotry. i feel in my heart that unit will always be mine and that it needs me to run right. i want to be asked to come back i can imagine what i would say is the problem. would i be stupid and go back? there would be the doubts since i ran out before. there would be the staff of people that i really dont like left. there would be bennie who i do not like or respect. i do not appreciate how she treated me. although i am sure in her heart she feels that she was doing her job and i deserved to be treated that way. myforgiving soul can get that. my practical side says had she not believed that i was a lesser being then her christian side would have never ever treated me that way. one thing i have seen inpeople this year. they are content to tell me thier stories and how they have sacrificed and worked hard toget where they are. in some cases thier actions have not supported thier mantras of thier glory. i do wish joe or really brenda would just call me and ask me to come back. i wish that brenda would call and ask me to meet with her and ask me to come back. i would request to not work under bennie, i know that much. sheri tells me of course ask for more money which i guess would be expected, but more than that i resented the lack of benefits i resented that staff getting cash out pto each year and what did i get? a watch/ but in all reality i wear and utilize that watch. the money would have been blown on gifts that no one would have remembered next year. so i call it my 1700 dollar watch.
this is my bargaining phase. i want to be asked to come back. i think i would although i dont hate my new job. i am learning alot there and feel i can and will be good at it eventually. i think i am capable of getting respected and repore with those there.
the more realistic part of me says that nra wouldnot ask me back cuz that would mean some part of them failed. it is easier toblame me. i would like to goback and put that unit togather. sure i regret things. i regret how steph treated angie. i regret i missed the information about using dummy chambers. how can you know a tree fell in the forest unless you been there before? i never blamed shirley. i could have been a lesser person and made it about her failure, but i would nothave felt good about that. now on retrospect, i lied about ruby but itwas myonly out there. she had done me wrong for so long that i took that road and got rid of her. but dispite my feelings about shirly like i stated here in the beginning i was not going to wrong her tomake myself look better.
of course i was looked down for being honest. well this isnot a perfect world. i have sould searched enough to know that i wouldnot have left that place had i nothad t leave withmy head hanging down. i wouldhave stayed cuz my friends and family all felt it was right for me. dispite how unhappy or angry i was. and that is why i think i might not goback. i know that my unhappiness started before margie slammed us.
i still would like the ego boost that for once in my life i would be asked back. i understand that i am dealing with cooperate people who do not care for the humane factor here and it prob willnot happen. i should be greatful for the gifts given to me with peoples praise and good words about me at this time.
i will always be the heart ofthat place regardless who walks in that door. i will always be the key that could keep the heart pumping in its rythym and without life threatening potential. it is nice some acknowldege it instead of all denying it. napolean needs to get a shot of testerone and pullfor his right arm to come back. i brought him respect and he knew it.
well ia tired.
i do hope to write some day soon that what i want to happen is really happening.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
reinvention pains
reinvention is not without its pains, doubts and concerns. i ad hoped to ease on to this withoutany. of course i am plagued with many concerns. such as the warm fuzzies i used to get. does getting older mean less warm fuzzies or does the fact i did not give back enough to get them count or is it we just run out of them at points in our lives?
i honestly dont know what to do sometimes. the fact is i would sit still and not do something rather than jump in and invove myself more. then sit back in envy i do not move around as easily as i see others. thats history.
in the middle of my second week here. i m stuck now with no other options. the dialysis options re closed doors. even if i could get hired in a local unit, it is not want i want to do althoughit is something i can do with ease. i will nevr foget the first time i ever worked in a unit other than the unit i was working the next unit lake jackson was so different than where i worked. so much more aggressive. i did not want to beseen as stupid or slow but pretended ease doing things like injecting ferrlicet or manitol, when i had come from backwoods bay city and we had never been allowedto do that.
anyway my second week and i have had a patient die tw days in a row now granted both pts were dnr's. the ink barely dry on both papers. will it always be that last minute then you can breath thing though? also it bothers me i had been in the rooms at least 20 minutes before each of them died and poof they were gone. thier deaths not as lingering as one would have thought.
mr turk kept pulling towards the light. i saw it and kept pulling in back in his bed instead of the edge of the bed he kept pulling himself towards. he lingered long enough that his family came and saw him and papers signed and he died.
then we had a code down in er on monday.
we took care of that pt the next day so i could learn the vent. his family decided to ake him off the vent. the nurses told him not to advance so fast thru his diet, he died 9 hours after he was extubated and of course not before the end of the shift. (pesar) it was sad the dghtr was crying so hard. she said it was what he wanted. i kept thinking at least they could have gotten him something he wanted to eat. he ould have held it in his mouth sucked out the flavor and then spit it out. i realize they did not want to directly cause his death
deaths come in threes. my fav pt from mrdc died last night. charlie the cowboy. he was a good man and helping him and his family always made me feel good. this man never had a bad thing to sayabout my unit and when i quit, he was the only one that called me and told me how much he missed me. of course he was the only one with my card. but iloved him. i hope he did not think i only just said it. i meant it.
i realized today that its been a month since i walked out on nra. feels so much longer already.
there is not a day go by i do not think of mrdc. at least i have found i do not think about it when i am at work. i am not sure about the people i work with but sofar i can say they are not gossips.
jennifer is good at what she does. she multitasks well and her skill is incredible. i was at that point in dialysis. it seems i am not needed in dialysis anymore
i recieved an email tday about them havinga valentines party for the pts today they had a singing contest and sounds like it was good for the staff and pts. i would have like to taken pictures but i would not hav liked having to herd the staff to do it. maybe they gladly did it. but i remembered trying something similar years ago when i ran bkc. i tried the secret sweet heart thing. it failed miserably. so i guess i did not feel encouraged to repeat previous mistakes. i often thought about doing more for the pts, but i felt like i did so much by myself and tired of it. i got selfish cuz no one ever made efforts for me and i got tired of running my own life and doing for what i thought was an ungreatful bunch of pts. too bad for the pts i let the staff ruin my expectations of the world. of course some of those pts were no better than the staff. but it was none of thier faults, it was mine.
now i dont have to worry about it being someones birthday or having to make arrangements. i am sure if i was still there bennie would have dumped most of it on me. i would have enjoyed watching the pts though
i hope that this dying trend subsides and i can get about learning at the new job
happy one month anniversary. i realized it too late to celebrate catch it later
i honestly dont know what to do sometimes. the fact is i would sit still and not do something rather than jump in and invove myself more. then sit back in envy i do not move around as easily as i see others. thats history.
in the middle of my second week here. i m stuck now with no other options. the dialysis options re closed doors. even if i could get hired in a local unit, it is not want i want to do althoughit is something i can do with ease. i will nevr foget the first time i ever worked in a unit other than the unit i was working the next unit lake jackson was so different than where i worked. so much more aggressive. i did not want to beseen as stupid or slow but pretended ease doing things like injecting ferrlicet or manitol, when i had come from backwoods bay city and we had never been allowedto do that.
anyway my second week and i have had a patient die tw days in a row now granted both pts were dnr's. the ink barely dry on both papers. will it always be that last minute then you can breath thing though? also it bothers me i had been in the rooms at least 20 minutes before each of them died and poof they were gone. thier deaths not as lingering as one would have thought.
mr turk kept pulling towards the light. i saw it and kept pulling in back in his bed instead of the edge of the bed he kept pulling himself towards. he lingered long enough that his family came and saw him and papers signed and he died.
then we had a code down in er on monday.
we took care of that pt the next day so i could learn the vent. his family decided to ake him off the vent. the nurses told him not to advance so fast thru his diet, he died 9 hours after he was extubated and of course not before the end of the shift. (pesar) it was sad the dghtr was crying so hard. she said it was what he wanted. i kept thinking at least they could have gotten him something he wanted to eat. he ould have held it in his mouth sucked out the flavor and then spit it out. i realize they did not want to directly cause his death
deaths come in threes. my fav pt from mrdc died last night. charlie the cowboy. he was a good man and helping him and his family always made me feel good. this man never had a bad thing to sayabout my unit and when i quit, he was the only one that called me and told me how much he missed me. of course he was the only one with my card. but iloved him. i hope he did not think i only just said it. i meant it.
i realized today that its been a month since i walked out on nra. feels so much longer already.
there is not a day go by i do not think of mrdc. at least i have found i do not think about it when i am at work. i am not sure about the people i work with but sofar i can say they are not gossips.
jennifer is good at what she does. she multitasks well and her skill is incredible. i was at that point in dialysis. it seems i am not needed in dialysis anymore
i recieved an email tday about them havinga valentines party for the pts today they had a singing contest and sounds like it was good for the staff and pts. i would have like to taken pictures but i would not hav liked having to herd the staff to do it. maybe they gladly did it. but i remembered trying something similar years ago when i ran bkc. i tried the secret sweet heart thing. it failed miserably. so i guess i did not feel encouraged to repeat previous mistakes. i often thought about doing more for the pts, but i felt like i did so much by myself and tired of it. i got selfish cuz no one ever made efforts for me and i got tired of running my own life and doing for what i thought was an ungreatful bunch of pts. too bad for the pts i let the staff ruin my expectations of the world. of course some of those pts were no better than the staff. but it was none of thier faults, it was mine.
now i dont have to worry about it being someones birthday or having to make arrangements. i am sure if i was still there bennie would have dumped most of it on me. i would have enjoyed watching the pts though
i hope that this dying trend subsides and i can get about learning at the new job
happy one month anniversary. i realized it too late to celebrate catch it later
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
bad feelings
i am not sure how to amend all these bad feelings and hostile thoughts directed at me. i have worried for along time cuz when i would write something it was so negative. i realized years ago i had nothing to write but bad things about callie. she let those times slide over her head and i finally got to the place where i saw the good from her
i think she is a good mother. in fact many times i have thought she is a much better mom than i was. i had the option of hiding behindmy jobs and payed otherpeople to help raise them. yet i find her kids much needier than my bunch
well i am in trouble again. i own the pickle again. i am the bad person
i will start off back at quantana, when gary brought the bottle of whisky and mike drank it. i was the one responsible for letting that happen. no not really but i was the one blamed. actually had i realized gary brought the bottle i would have agreed with him. let mike drink some so he can unwind and get some stress off his conscious and start to move forward. did not end that way but i remember the blame was cast on me
this time i wanted gary to go over callies for his birthday. lets see, he at first wanted a party and have them out. in order to dothat i would have had to go pick them up and take them home cuz he would have been too drunk that night to do it, having enjoyed his birthday. so lets go there. i can drive us home then we changed our minds. i put the words in his mouth he did not want to go there cuz thire house makes him feel uncomfortable. i agree the house is too dark. then i asked that last sat we at least drop off a cake and see the grandkids. he went along with me but would not do it. it seems like this was a good idea as long as i did it and he did not have to bother with it. i know how the kids love cake and i figure with mike not working money is tight enough that this would be a treat to the kids. also we are blessed with gorgeous grandkids lets go take pictures and come home. gary really avoided going over there and you know what. i am to blame this time for trying to force him to go and making a big deal of it. i am the bad person. messed up again didnt i. if i was another person i would have been heralded for trying to glue my family togather and worrying about them. cuz i am me, i was wrong
frankly i am sick of the role of being the ne to blame every time there is a foul up. i want to walk off fro my daughter. i am glad sheri warned me of the letter by the way the letter to callie was written to apoligize to her. i did not deeply read the letter, sheri told me not to read it or take it with a grain of salt. well i skimmed the letter and filed it in my folder. basically what she did was she broke down the contents of my letter, and ripped each sentence, each word apart.
callie wanted to replace me as her mther when she was a child she wanted tads mother to be her mother. that one hurt she told me. i think she wants to morph sheri into that now. sheri wants to put on her superwoman costume and help these two lost souls cuz they need help and she is the one with the power. i think the two of them are going to suckle on her pwer for awhile. so i have no faith in callie. that is what she accused me of. other than the reprive i had from this feeling of doubt in her, i guess i have no faith in her
i am not the happy supportive mother, by her side while they cower in the dark and wait for things to come to them. things like a new car, things like a job. laverne and sunny did good by them letting them live with them for 5 years, they did thier part. of course what happened there was mike and callie established squater rights and laverne and sunny could not get them out. things were pretty tense. thanks to gary we were not stupid enugh to let them move in here.
sure i considered kicking geff out of the trailer and letting them move in there, but the trailer is not in good shape. also they would have migrated here esp when we were not around which is a lot and would have established squater rights over my own home callie was alwasy bad about being free to gothru y stuff and take things. such as the time sh e stole allthe quarters fr mybedroom. she just prematurely took them i will certainly die before her in 40 50 years....
the thing that worries me is not seeing the grankids i hate to lose them but i must back off from her. she can not use them as she has in the past to reel me in.
she hurt me when she shunned me this year on my birthday.
so mama sheri tells me callie is in a world of confusion hurt and not knowing what to do. why is it clear to me. cuz what callie has to do is not easy. but she made her own bed. she should walk her ample little ass to krogers or to the dollar store and work. i am not going to make geffre call her
and this thing she started up with sheri about her jeolousy over geffre is really petty. i have alwasy been close to her cuz she is my duaghter, but he is living in the trailer on our land. otherwise the trailer would be empty. when we go away he watches over bo, nanny and the dogs. when i want a limeaide he goes and buys me one. she never ever did anything like tht. she would wait for me to go by one and while i am there buy her a cherry coke. when she lived with us, she took and took and offered nothng but bad words and feelings back.
so i was set before yesterday to move on again. the letter, sheri put a road block and caused me to stand still again. i have a life of my own and i am going to move forward.
if they lose the house i wont be surprised. if they survive and keep the home, then i will know they did indeed have resources back they did not share with the world cuz they wanted more but did not want to give more.
i think she is a good mother. in fact many times i have thought she is a much better mom than i was. i had the option of hiding behindmy jobs and payed otherpeople to help raise them. yet i find her kids much needier than my bunch
well i am in trouble again. i own the pickle again. i am the bad person
i will start off back at quantana, when gary brought the bottle of whisky and mike drank it. i was the one responsible for letting that happen. no not really but i was the one blamed. actually had i realized gary brought the bottle i would have agreed with him. let mike drink some so he can unwind and get some stress off his conscious and start to move forward. did not end that way but i remember the blame was cast on me
this time i wanted gary to go over callies for his birthday. lets see, he at first wanted a party and have them out. in order to dothat i would have had to go pick them up and take them home cuz he would have been too drunk that night to do it, having enjoyed his birthday. so lets go there. i can drive us home then we changed our minds. i put the words in his mouth he did not want to go there cuz thire house makes him feel uncomfortable. i agree the house is too dark. then i asked that last sat we at least drop off a cake and see the grandkids. he went along with me but would not do it. it seems like this was a good idea as long as i did it and he did not have to bother with it. i know how the kids love cake and i figure with mike not working money is tight enough that this would be a treat to the kids. also we are blessed with gorgeous grandkids lets go take pictures and come home. gary really avoided going over there and you know what. i am to blame this time for trying to force him to go and making a big deal of it. i am the bad person. messed up again didnt i. if i was another person i would have been heralded for trying to glue my family togather and worrying about them. cuz i am me, i was wrong
frankly i am sick of the role of being the ne to blame every time there is a foul up. i want to walk off fro my daughter. i am glad sheri warned me of the letter by the way the letter to callie was written to apoligize to her. i did not deeply read the letter, sheri told me not to read it or take it with a grain of salt. well i skimmed the letter and filed it in my folder. basically what she did was she broke down the contents of my letter, and ripped each sentence, each word apart.
callie wanted to replace me as her mther when she was a child she wanted tads mother to be her mother. that one hurt she told me. i think she wants to morph sheri into that now. sheri wants to put on her superwoman costume and help these two lost souls cuz they need help and she is the one with the power. i think the two of them are going to suckle on her pwer for awhile. so i have no faith in callie. that is what she accused me of. other than the reprive i had from this feeling of doubt in her, i guess i have no faith in her
i am not the happy supportive mother, by her side while they cower in the dark and wait for things to come to them. things like a new car, things like a job. laverne and sunny did good by them letting them live with them for 5 years, they did thier part. of course what happened there was mike and callie established squater rights and laverne and sunny could not get them out. things were pretty tense. thanks to gary we were not stupid enugh to let them move in here.
sure i considered kicking geff out of the trailer and letting them move in there, but the trailer is not in good shape. also they would have migrated here esp when we were not around which is a lot and would have established squater rights over my own home callie was alwasy bad about being free to gothru y stuff and take things. such as the time sh e stole allthe quarters fr mybedroom. she just prematurely took them i will certainly die before her in 40 50 years....
the thing that worries me is not seeing the grankids i hate to lose them but i must back off from her. she can not use them as she has in the past to reel me in.
she hurt me when she shunned me this year on my birthday.
so mama sheri tells me callie is in a world of confusion hurt and not knowing what to do. why is it clear to me. cuz what callie has to do is not easy. but she made her own bed. she should walk her ample little ass to krogers or to the dollar store and work. i am not going to make geffre call her
and this thing she started up with sheri about her jeolousy over geffre is really petty. i have alwasy been close to her cuz she is my duaghter, but he is living in the trailer on our land. otherwise the trailer would be empty. when we go away he watches over bo, nanny and the dogs. when i want a limeaide he goes and buys me one. she never ever did anything like tht. she would wait for me to go by one and while i am there buy her a cherry coke. when she lived with us, she took and took and offered nothng but bad words and feelings back.
so i was set before yesterday to move on again. the letter, sheri put a road block and caused me to stand still again. i have a life of my own and i am going to move forward.
if they lose the house i wont be surprised. if they survive and keep the home, then i will know they did indeed have resources back they did not share with the world cuz they wanted more but did not want to give more.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
the subject of this weekend
this is garys birthday weekend. he is double nickle, isnt that grand? he has not had a great birthday but it was not bad. alot of things i suggested he did not want to do, many things we could not do cuz of time constraints and or money.
the truck is now officially his. that deal worked out really well. that truck was bigger than i wanted. i would have been spending too much to keep fuel in it, now its his problem. since dave pays him mileage, it probably works better for him than it does me.
yesterday was pretty good. we got up and went and submitted our pictures for the county fair. i am proud that we made a pact we would do it and we did. if you seen all the things that need to be done around my house you would understand this was an accomplishment
gary found over 10 of his pictures he felt confident enough about to submit. i struggled over the contents of my own portfolio for days and hours and finally choose three, that i wanted to share. i dont know why iam that way. i will look forwrd to things like parites or special meetings with people then when the time comes i dont want to do, i get anxious and if allowed i will back out of it. i have tried taking that issue straight on but in the past had been slapped back, so i dont take things had on like that very often anymore.
given time all things do come to an end
i really got a rush out of entering our pictures in the contest though. i have noticed it is hard for me to feel creative when gary is aound. mostly cuz he tries so hard to help me and i am so bloody hard headed. generaly i just dont want o listen tohim. i want the advise, though. he is so smart about cameras and settings and stuff. it is like my grandmother said about me. i would cut off y nose to spite my own face and it is true
but nonethe less, i got a rush out of it gary did not pick up on this nor did he join into it. he was nervous and had difficulty setting up his pictures. i chatted on with ed and eddie like old friends now in the theme of my life, they will remember it as being gary that did. i dont know why but most people now days dont see me, they see others around me, i am like a spook. or maybe i am becoming like my mom and things dont really happen the way i think
none the less this is my story and i am telling it as i see it
one of the first things ed did when he saw my vintage rose was ask to pick it up and look at it closer. i believe he even commented this is really pretty. my vintage rose is unique at this time. i did not copy it from someone it is my original, but i believe it will be copied if the people that copy it do a better job, thats ok cuz each of us see something different. the nice thing is no one had time to see it and reproduce it in time for the contest. it is the best of my three.
i told eddie that i really wanted to drop in his class the other day. he told me his class is always open to former students. i was thrilled. i would love to see what this class is putting out. that was one of my favorite componets of the class we were in was looking at others pictures. i only ever felt one lady came close to me, and that had been on a week that i did no submissions cuz i had to go out of state on a business trip and had been more concentrated on going and learning the new computer system and getting to knowmy regional manager than listening to my own muse. i had no control over things around me forthat week so did not excercize my muse much. frankly i was blank for something to shot and uninspired that week and although gary had the concept i have yet to capture an idea for that presentation. i will not copy others people unless i see where it can be done better or i see a different side of it that they missed or int he case of krobra challenge. i still have not accomplished shockpics pics
i talked to eddie about running into janice this last week. i hope he did not take it i was looking down on her or a gossip cuz in some ways it was a bit mean. janice was this lady that at the beginning of class i did not like. she got on my nerves cuz she was always interrupting asking questions. whether anyone else got it or not she asked questions in someways we needed someone like her in class cuz he often taught above our head and i think gary mostly got him. thank goodness gary showed me later what eddie was getting t one the cameras. but janice never actually got alot of it. by the third class i befriended her though and found out i liked her she is true to herself and outspoken and one of those unique characters you met in your life that provides you with cute antidotes about the things they find to do, that keep life from getting boring. long sentence like she is. anyway while i was talking to janice the other day she pulled me aside and pointed at another woman walking down the hall to her class. she told me, that the first night of class thier class got no where cuz that woman kept stopping the instructor asking him questions and frustrated all of them. eddie laughed at that. he told me, yea i almost lost it a couple of times with her myself. he also asked me if i still had his email cuz if they ever do thier photoshoot safari, it would be cool for gary and me to go along. i felt honored cuz of of the two ed and eddie eddie was easier to read for me. eddie extended eds invite also. i got a rush out of it.
later when i talked to gary he rememberd parts of our conversation but i guess it did not interest him enough to ask me later about it
my day got better cuz one of my fav authors released a book and i am savoring geting to read it.
gary spent the day on the run. i wanted him to go to callies and celebrate his brithday with the kids but he kept finding things to keep from going there. i feel bad for suggesting it and of course i am the bad person cuz we never made it there and we ended up hurting callies feelings.
i knw callie is going thru a hard time and my heart goes out to her. but i can not rush in and fix it for her. years ago i rushed in and helped her leave kenny, this time i can not bring her back into my home as i did then. she now has two small children and gary does not want kids in the house. i love my grandchildren but i am not charitable t put my marriage on the lines for this and i like coming home to my own peace and quiet. sure i am missing alot of thier lives that could enrich my life, but at this time and for the rest of my life this is not a possibility.
i brought callie back into my house several times and it put mymarriage in jeapardy and the thing was she was an adult and needed to make it on her own all of those times. the last time we moved her ut of here tomy mothers. she made like hard for my mother who is a miser and resents anyone in her kingdom. but both of them were guilty in that story. callie took advantage of my mother and did not even try to get along with her. anyway eventually callie got kicked out of mothers cuz she was 4 or 5 months pregnant and we did not want y mom saddles with a baby in that house. i had already asked enough of my other allowing callie to come in. callie needed to ove on at that point and make the father of that baby responsible. knowing mike now it amazes me we accomplished this.
anyway callie was hurt we did not come by and i really did want to go by with a cake and balloons for the grandkids. gary told me that he was afraid that mike would pull something and after what happend on quantana beach and how mike is acting now days he no longer trusts him to behave. but woo is me, in this story i am the villan.
i know callie has had a rough year and i feel sorry for her, but she has done her own amount of hurting me back this year. she has deeply hurt me several times during her life and i thought she was over being that person, but she is not. she hurt me this year when she did not call me and wish me happy birthday. i wish she would just get the kid to draw a pciture but she can not do that much and althoug i raised her better than this one i have never reiced a grandparents day card from her and i have nevre recieved but one or two happy bosses day cards from my employees, which also hurts. but there i can see cuz i dont send ybosses those cards cuz i refuse tobe seen as a brown noser.
anyway enough about her. she is ina bad place and although i could do more it cost me too much. she needs to grow up and do something and she just does not.i think i am missing alot of truths out of thier story
anyway we ate our dinner on the beach last night. if anything can make up for mexican food being cold, it is eating it on the beach with the man you love. it was sweet and romantic of him. i am telling you he did a good job of avoiding going to callies. whether he would admit it or not.
we got home late and although
the truck is now officially his. that deal worked out really well. that truck was bigger than i wanted. i would have been spending too much to keep fuel in it, now its his problem. since dave pays him mileage, it probably works better for him than it does me.
yesterday was pretty good. we got up and went and submitted our pictures for the county fair. i am proud that we made a pact we would do it and we did. if you seen all the things that need to be done around my house you would understand this was an accomplishment
gary found over 10 of his pictures he felt confident enough about to submit. i struggled over the contents of my own portfolio for days and hours and finally choose three, that i wanted to share. i dont know why iam that way. i will look forwrd to things like parites or special meetings with people then when the time comes i dont want to do, i get anxious and if allowed i will back out of it. i have tried taking that issue straight on but in the past had been slapped back, so i dont take things had on like that very often anymore.
given time all things do come to an end
i really got a rush out of entering our pictures in the contest though. i have noticed it is hard for me to feel creative when gary is aound. mostly cuz he tries so hard to help me and i am so bloody hard headed. generaly i just dont want o listen tohim. i want the advise, though. he is so smart about cameras and settings and stuff. it is like my grandmother said about me. i would cut off y nose to spite my own face and it is true
but nonethe less, i got a rush out of it gary did not pick up on this nor did he join into it. he was nervous and had difficulty setting up his pictures. i chatted on with ed and eddie like old friends now in the theme of my life, they will remember it as being gary that did. i dont know why but most people now days dont see me, they see others around me, i am like a spook. or maybe i am becoming like my mom and things dont really happen the way i think
none the less this is my story and i am telling it as i see it
one of the first things ed did when he saw my vintage rose was ask to pick it up and look at it closer. i believe he even commented this is really pretty. my vintage rose is unique at this time. i did not copy it from someone it is my original, but i believe it will be copied if the people that copy it do a better job, thats ok cuz each of us see something different. the nice thing is no one had time to see it and reproduce it in time for the contest. it is the best of my three.
i told eddie that i really wanted to drop in his class the other day. he told me his class is always open to former students. i was thrilled. i would love to see what this class is putting out. that was one of my favorite componets of the class we were in was looking at others pictures. i only ever felt one lady came close to me, and that had been on a week that i did no submissions cuz i had to go out of state on a business trip and had been more concentrated on going and learning the new computer system and getting to knowmy regional manager than listening to my own muse. i had no control over things around me forthat week so did not excercize my muse much. frankly i was blank for something to shot and uninspired that week and although gary had the concept i have yet to capture an idea for that presentation. i will not copy others people unless i see where it can be done better or i see a different side of it that they missed or int he case of krobra challenge. i still have not accomplished shockpics pics
i talked to eddie about running into janice this last week. i hope he did not take it i was looking down on her or a gossip cuz in some ways it was a bit mean. janice was this lady that at the beginning of class i did not like. she got on my nerves cuz she was always interrupting asking questions. whether anyone else got it or not she asked questions in someways we needed someone like her in class cuz he often taught above our head and i think gary mostly got him. thank goodness gary showed me later what eddie was getting t one the cameras. but janice never actually got alot of it. by the third class i befriended her though and found out i liked her she is true to herself and outspoken and one of those unique characters you met in your life that provides you with cute antidotes about the things they find to do, that keep life from getting boring. long sentence like she is. anyway while i was talking to janice the other day she pulled me aside and pointed at another woman walking down the hall to her class. she told me, that the first night of class thier class got no where cuz that woman kept stopping the instructor asking him questions and frustrated all of them. eddie laughed at that. he told me, yea i almost lost it a couple of times with her myself. he also asked me if i still had his email cuz if they ever do thier photoshoot safari, it would be cool for gary and me to go along. i felt honored cuz of of the two ed and eddie eddie was easier to read for me. eddie extended eds invite also. i got a rush out of it.
later when i talked to gary he rememberd parts of our conversation but i guess it did not interest him enough to ask me later about it
my day got better cuz one of my fav authors released a book and i am savoring geting to read it.
gary spent the day on the run. i wanted him to go to callies and celebrate his brithday with the kids but he kept finding things to keep from going there. i feel bad for suggesting it and of course i am the bad person cuz we never made it there and we ended up hurting callies feelings.
i knw callie is going thru a hard time and my heart goes out to her. but i can not rush in and fix it for her. years ago i rushed in and helped her leave kenny, this time i can not bring her back into my home as i did then. she now has two small children and gary does not want kids in the house. i love my grandchildren but i am not charitable t put my marriage on the lines for this and i like coming home to my own peace and quiet. sure i am missing alot of thier lives that could enrich my life, but at this time and for the rest of my life this is not a possibility.
i brought callie back into my house several times and it put mymarriage in jeapardy and the thing was she was an adult and needed to make it on her own all of those times. the last time we moved her ut of here tomy mothers. she made like hard for my mother who is a miser and resents anyone in her kingdom. but both of them were guilty in that story. callie took advantage of my mother and did not even try to get along with her. anyway eventually callie got kicked out of mothers cuz she was 4 or 5 months pregnant and we did not want y mom saddles with a baby in that house. i had already asked enough of my other allowing callie to come in. callie needed to ove on at that point and make the father of that baby responsible. knowing mike now it amazes me we accomplished this.
anyway callie was hurt we did not come by and i really did want to go by with a cake and balloons for the grandkids. gary told me that he was afraid that mike would pull something and after what happend on quantana beach and how mike is acting now days he no longer trusts him to behave. but woo is me, in this story i am the villan.
i know callie has had a rough year and i feel sorry for her, but she has done her own amount of hurting me back this year. she has deeply hurt me several times during her life and i thought she was over being that person, but she is not. she hurt me this year when she did not call me and wish me happy birthday. i wish she would just get the kid to draw a pciture but she can not do that much and althoug i raised her better than this one i have never reiced a grandparents day card from her and i have nevre recieved but one or two happy bosses day cards from my employees, which also hurts. but there i can see cuz i dont send ybosses those cards cuz i refuse tobe seen as a brown noser.
anyway enough about her. she is ina bad place and although i could do more it cost me too much. she needs to grow up and do something and she just does not.i think i am missing alot of truths out of thier story
anyway we ate our dinner on the beach last night. if anything can make up for mexican food being cold, it is eating it on the beach with the man you love. it was sweet and romantic of him. i am telling you he did a good job of avoiding going to callies. whether he would admit it or not.
we got home late and although
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
conspiracy theory
this is either titled conspiracy theory or go ahead and kick me in the teeth.
so lets go back a few weeks ago. certainly i told you about the weekend, that we took callie and mike with us to sheirs on quantana? well reminded me of these horror stories i used to hear from my mom about when my grandparents would come togather. such as the time alyce and buddy ran into fred and kay at mymoms and had a fight that resuled in kay being thrown down some stairs and having a broken legs. lovely story to grow up hearing when i was a kid. i am not a violent person by nature
so that was the weekend that we gave callie and mike the old van out of the theroy that it would help them. that old rat trap they drive has expired tags, bad windshield wipers and brakes. of course my son in law mike looked down his nose at the 21 year old van that has legal inspection sticker and legal tags. so he got drunk tht night made a big fool of himslef and walked about telling us that he knew how foolish he acts when he drinks, i was foolish enough to think the asshole needed to get a god drunk on and tlet off some tension. well he let off tension cumulating in him jumping out the van. lost a lot of respect for him that night. gary lost some too.
ok it is 4 weeks later and mike is stillnot working. of course he would use the excuse of callies emergcny surgery as holding him back
yes poor callie went to the local emergency room thinking she had a virus. thining they wuld give her something for the vomiting and send her home instead tehy end up keeping her and doing an ercp that day putting a stint in her until the next day when they could take her galbladder out. i took the week off from work cuz honestly after a zillion people knowing that would do that frankly it was my turn to take off and be with my child. it was a tensed week and i had alot of anger. the hosptial service was piss poor. i spent alot of time being angry at things they did there that i thought ws not right. so when she got out i took her home. so when her daughter needed to be registered for school i went and i enjoyed that. i drew the line at registering brando cuz frankly i thought it ws unfair that i get up early drive 30 minutes t get there when they live 5 minutes away and mike could get his ass out of bed and register his son is school. i should have known better than let the register him at 8 in the morning but mike pulled thru. he ws a dummylike myold man would be and did not get the improtant informatin like a change of clothese what about snacks ect.... by saturday i needed a break fromt he lowerys. callie even divulged to me the light bill was due on the 28th and she did not know how they would pay it. same day geff aske me to give him work around the house to pay his light bil. i am not the never ending fountain of money and i would like to spend more moeny on me than giving it away all the time.
ok so calie started turning to sheri. now the conspiracy theory begins. first off i have been told many years ago when geff needed tubes in his ears they would not do surgery cuz we had no money to pay down and no one in my family would have considered helping my grandparents were poor and my parents had barely enough moeny to keep mom happy. my parents would hav never cosnidered helping me with anything garys children needed. in fact they would not acknowldege my sons for years cuz they were garys kids. i hated them for that. that was the kind of prudes they were. gary has done more things form my mom since larry has died than any normal person would have willingly done. gary has done it without being hateful or eman and she has bitten cussed him and been bad. i have trie dnot to be that kind of mother in law to mike and although i refuse to do things for brando that i do for maddie, it is more the fact i always prefered girls to boys and the fact brandon is a brat.
ok so sheri gav them 88 dollars yesterday she gave them adise to go to houston and get the drain removed. callie flatly ignored my advise to go to to the er and get it pulled. should not have wasted my breath. auntie sheri told calllie behin my back not to trust bmh that the dr might do soemthing to spite her if she goes there. instead of going to utmb like the rest of the fools like her that think having insurances is for the elderly and the sick go. so they devised a plan for callie to go to herman hospital there sheri figures tehy will tak out the tubes and do a good job of it. of course i should be glad for the help. callie asked me to babysit thursday now who does she think i am. i dont baby sit i have said for years i dont babysit. and beside that i hav right to send my days as i want and if callie helped me more like with my mo and my life then i might be tempted. she can ask her mother in law or neice. the plan is for mike to take her to houston. according to auntie sheri he needs a chance to redeem himself according to auntie sheri i am too quick to take callies side adn callie makes things sound worse than they are. poor things they are stuck in that house with each other getting on each others nerves. she jumped my ass last night. i let her cu i wanted to hear where she ws comginfrom. she ws coming form a place i think she has ben for awhile and honestly i dont think we should be friends any more. cuz apparently she does not like me very much and she just does not realize it. she looks down her nose at me and does nto getit. i have been mad at her since the time i was drowning and she pushed yhead down further and told me to learn to swim.
well sheri took callie back to the dr and can you believe this she took a tape recorder with her and made the woman state thier policy of recieving at least half of the drs fees cuz there are so many self pay pts out there that just do not pay thier bills. trust me i know this cuz i am one of them. i ws not surprised they told her they wanted money and i hate to admit it although it sucks it seems to be right. medical care is not free unless you are deemed indigent and born of indigency. even when i was pregnant with callie i was too rich to be indigent cuz my step father, who had nothing to do with my own income made too much.
so sheri asked the women she tape recorded would they take the 88 dollars that callie had in pocket from her and they refused. now i do think that was a good move they refused her. so sheri and her planned that if calie has to go to a lawyer later she will have it feels like adamn soap opera you know. but here a piece of informatin callie did not tell me this. sheri did my daughter did not have guts enough to tell me sinc i did not do enough for her the other day that she turned to militant aunt sheri to do something for her cuz aunti e sheri is smarter and prettier and nicer than i am. i know i am sounding like a jeolous house cow but i feel betrayed in all of this. i am glad sheri is tryign to help her but why do i feel like they are purposely going behin my back cuz i cant do enough. sheris surirse over my caling her to tell her about shea grandbaby.
well later when i come back to this
mike will never take callie to houston. he was too lazy and not concerned enough t drive her to the hospital that mornign. whether calie is pitting us against each other and told him not to worry and stay home watch the kids will not be ever divulged. i know the potential is there for that to be the truth but the bottom line to me is no matter what he should have been worried enough about her to gone himself
i am worried about callie and will hate if things get worse for her but the problem is it is in callies ball court. the fact that she seems to waiting for someone to do it for her
i am hurt and i am tired of hurting. i have so much anger these days. i contemplate every day whether this lfe is worth going on with. if i had less people leaning on me i could be hapy.
callies problems ar enot my problems and i hate they are wieghing me down so heaviley. people seem to cont let me down cuz i expect so much of them. i resent sheri giving her the money although i know it helped callie
i noticed on the phone callie is not taking to me much ostly cuz i decided to go back towork and go on with my ow lifeand let her go on with hers.
callie i love you dearly you are a wonderful daughter. but you disappoint me in so many many ways. i am glad you are ok and hope to God you get your medical issues taken care of.
i am sorry that this is not interesting i am sorry for lots of things.
so lets go back a few weeks ago. certainly i told you about the weekend, that we took callie and mike with us to sheirs on quantana? well reminded me of these horror stories i used to hear from my mom about when my grandparents would come togather. such as the time alyce and buddy ran into fred and kay at mymoms and had a fight that resuled in kay being thrown down some stairs and having a broken legs. lovely story to grow up hearing when i was a kid. i am not a violent person by nature
so that was the weekend that we gave callie and mike the old van out of the theroy that it would help them. that old rat trap they drive has expired tags, bad windshield wipers and brakes. of course my son in law mike looked down his nose at the 21 year old van that has legal inspection sticker and legal tags. so he got drunk tht night made a big fool of himslef and walked about telling us that he knew how foolish he acts when he drinks, i was foolish enough to think the asshole needed to get a god drunk on and tlet off some tension. well he let off tension cumulating in him jumping out the van. lost a lot of respect for him that night. gary lost some too.
ok it is 4 weeks later and mike is stillnot working. of course he would use the excuse of callies emergcny surgery as holding him back
yes poor callie went to the local emergency room thinking she had a virus. thining they wuld give her something for the vomiting and send her home instead tehy end up keeping her and doing an ercp that day putting a stint in her until the next day when they could take her galbladder out. i took the week off from work cuz honestly after a zillion people knowing that would do that frankly it was my turn to take off and be with my child. it was a tensed week and i had alot of anger. the hosptial service was piss poor. i spent alot of time being angry at things they did there that i thought ws not right. so when she got out i took her home. so when her daughter needed to be registered for school i went and i enjoyed that. i drew the line at registering brando cuz frankly i thought it ws unfair that i get up early drive 30 minutes t get there when they live 5 minutes away and mike could get his ass out of bed and register his son is school. i should have known better than let the register him at 8 in the morning but mike pulled thru. he ws a dummylike myold man would be and did not get the improtant informatin like a change of clothese what about snacks ect.... by saturday i needed a break fromt he lowerys. callie even divulged to me the light bill was due on the 28th and she did not know how they would pay it. same day geff aske me to give him work around the house to pay his light bil. i am not the never ending fountain of money and i would like to spend more moeny on me than giving it away all the time.
ok so calie started turning to sheri. now the conspiracy theory begins. first off i have been told many years ago when geff needed tubes in his ears they would not do surgery cuz we had no money to pay down and no one in my family would have considered helping my grandparents were poor and my parents had barely enough moeny to keep mom happy. my parents would hav never cosnidered helping me with anything garys children needed. in fact they would not acknowldege my sons for years cuz they were garys kids. i hated them for that. that was the kind of prudes they were. gary has done more things form my mom since larry has died than any normal person would have willingly done. gary has done it without being hateful or eman and she has bitten cussed him and been bad. i have trie dnot to be that kind of mother in law to mike and although i refuse to do things for brando that i do for maddie, it is more the fact i always prefered girls to boys and the fact brandon is a brat.
ok so sheri gav them 88 dollars yesterday she gave them adise to go to houston and get the drain removed. callie flatly ignored my advise to go to to the er and get it pulled. should not have wasted my breath. auntie sheri told calllie behin my back not to trust bmh that the dr might do soemthing to spite her if she goes there. instead of going to utmb like the rest of the fools like her that think having insurances is for the elderly and the sick go. so they devised a plan for callie to go to herman hospital there sheri figures tehy will tak out the tubes and do a good job of it. of course i should be glad for the help. callie asked me to babysit thursday now who does she think i am. i dont baby sit i have said for years i dont babysit. and beside that i hav right to send my days as i want and if callie helped me more like with my mo and my life then i might be tempted. she can ask her mother in law or neice. the plan is for mike to take her to houston. according to auntie sheri he needs a chance to redeem himself according to auntie sheri i am too quick to take callies side adn callie makes things sound worse than they are. poor things they are stuck in that house with each other getting on each others nerves. she jumped my ass last night. i let her cu i wanted to hear where she ws comginfrom. she ws coming form a place i think she has ben for awhile and honestly i dont think we should be friends any more. cuz apparently she does not like me very much and she just does not realize it. she looks down her nose at me and does nto getit. i have been mad at her since the time i was drowning and she pushed yhead down further and told me to learn to swim.
well sheri took callie back to the dr and can you believe this she took a tape recorder with her and made the woman state thier policy of recieving at least half of the drs fees cuz there are so many self pay pts out there that just do not pay thier bills. trust me i know this cuz i am one of them. i ws not surprised they told her they wanted money and i hate to admit it although it sucks it seems to be right. medical care is not free unless you are deemed indigent and born of indigency. even when i was pregnant with callie i was too rich to be indigent cuz my step father, who had nothing to do with my own income made too much.
so sheri asked the women she tape recorded would they take the 88 dollars that callie had in pocket from her and they refused. now i do think that was a good move they refused her. so sheri and her planned that if calie has to go to a lawyer later she will have it feels like adamn soap opera you know. but here a piece of informatin callie did not tell me this. sheri did my daughter did not have guts enough to tell me sinc i did not do enough for her the other day that she turned to militant aunt sheri to do something for her cuz aunti e sheri is smarter and prettier and nicer than i am. i know i am sounding like a jeolous house cow but i feel betrayed in all of this. i am glad sheri is tryign to help her but why do i feel like they are purposely going behin my back cuz i cant do enough. sheris surirse over my caling her to tell her about shea grandbaby.
well later when i come back to this
mike will never take callie to houston. he was too lazy and not concerned enough t drive her to the hospital that mornign. whether calie is pitting us against each other and told him not to worry and stay home watch the kids will not be ever divulged. i know the potential is there for that to be the truth but the bottom line to me is no matter what he should have been worried enough about her to gone himself
i am worried about callie and will hate if things get worse for her but the problem is it is in callies ball court. the fact that she seems to waiting for someone to do it for her
i am hurt and i am tired of hurting. i have so much anger these days. i contemplate every day whether this lfe is worth going on with. if i had less people leaning on me i could be hapy.
callies problems ar enot my problems and i hate they are wieghing me down so heaviley. people seem to cont let me down cuz i expect so much of them. i resent sheri giving her the money although i know it helped callie
i noticed on the phone callie is not taking to me much ostly cuz i decided to go back towork and go on with my ow lifeand let her go on with hers.
callie i love you dearly you are a wonderful daughter. but you disappoint me in so many many ways. i am glad you are ok and hope to God you get your medical issues taken care of.
i am sorry that this is not interesting i am sorry for lots of things.
Monday, August 13, 2007
the son in laws gets the pickle
the pickle is this strang eittle xmas ornamanet i bought last year on sale. it is not necessary pretty but it reminds me of the old show laugh in. in stead of the fickled finger of fate, this this the green pickle of fate. looks like mike is going to earn this one this year
it was a bad weekend, well saturday was. my grand idea lets go to sheris trailer out on the beach and have a family get togather. mostly i thought the kids would have fun. the parents have to come to shepard the kids.
mike quit his job. we knew it was coming and frankly the way they were treating him, i would have quit too. and i believe his ramblings on they were treating him like that. i been there and mine was called rcg. not that mike wanted to listen to me he clung to garys skirt tails and for the most part i was wrinkle in the sheet that could be ignored. mike decided along time ago that i hate him, and that is another of his justifications for being such a louse, i am a really hard hard bitch you know. i admit i dont like him, but i dont hate him either other than being the father of y grandkids i cant think of anything else he has done in his life that could impress me.
he seemed to be drunk within 5 minutes of being there. he walked up to me and complained i am drunk this happens when i mix drinks but i dont drink alot but boy i am drunk. in other words i am free now to make a fool of myself and ambled on on how bad i think i am. he cried that he was not worthy of callie and that he was wrong for quitting his job before he had another job. now mind you he had supposed tobe lookng for another job since feb but computer games are more fun than job hunting. he refused the transfer to kansas. well i am glad he did i dont want my family tomove and i certainly did not want callie tobe crying to come home a month later and we would have tofigure out how to get her but down here cuz she is home sick. also that was not right, the man just bought a house and company wants to tranfer him. rexes is not a great store and frankly unlike gary i dont know how long it will be around. they never impressed me. their prducts did not hold up as long. kind a like the walmmart of stores...just not as much stores or staff or procuts in thier stores.
on our way home he got mad at callie and jumped out the van as it was rolling and got lost in the swamp marshes of dow chemical. gary went and picked him up once dow found him and took hi home. callie has not told me much more than that they taked and he was humblized
i did want mike to wind down but i did not expect him to make a fool of himself.
lets see i knew it was a bad day when i was sitting by myself int he trailer and no one had remembered that the baby brandon was asleep and left unwatched int eh trailer. i used him as an excse to stay ther ena dnot have to venture down to the jetties in this heat. although seeing those crabs would hae been col to phototgraph.
sheri had already dissed me. she was mad at me cuz i told her about geff getting anew puppy and my cavilair attitude pissed her off. she would not even sit by me and she did not want to talk to me or listen to me. i tried to finsih my story but it was obvious she did not want to listen, so she embarrassed me in front of callie who was paying attention. at least callie was not taking sides or judgemental over it. but frankly as much as i liked sheri i am sick of her attitudes and just did nto enjoy it. she hurt my feelings on birthday on the way back from my birthday when i was shunned to the back sit with eric, so she could sit in the front seat to talk to her sister, cuz she could not go much longer without getting her sisters attention and having a civil conversation or what ever her attentions were. sure i should have ridden home with gary and if i could have i would have and left thier little family togather. instead of being an intrusion. i thought she wanted to spend time with me her best frined but she had had enoug of me. as usual i expect tomuch from her.
its not her fault that y familybehaved so badly.
gary infuriated me looking for mike. he yelled at brandon and was a reall asshole. i know that brandone is a bad kid and i dont like him either when he acts like he was. but poor maddie was sitting next to him with her little hands over her ears trying to hide while gary yelled over and over shut upto the child who was obviously not listening. that to tell you the truth was the low point of the night and i think i am so glad i was driving at that point cuz i could not have tolerated gary yelling at the boy and trying todrive the truck. we would have surely had a wreck.
it was a horrible weekend. and to tell the truth there had been that point in the trailer that i told myself drive off and leave these assholes along. but i was not feeling well about leaving brandon by himself and did not want to take him withme either
i did manage to do one thing for myslef that although it was not much i am glad i did it. i got to visit darlenes monument. it was torn down. idont know if hippy guy took it down cuz he was not getting any mileage from others off of it or some assholde descrated it for the fun of it. some of the shells were still there, the crab and cross were down and for some reason i thought someone tryied to burn it, although i did not see that. i left asingle black rose there for her. i felt sorry for her and although she would have disgused me in real life, in death i felt saddened for her life. i drove down the beach wondering if anyone back at sheries trailer would even miss me if i drove forever and when i came back the rose was at least still there and no one had stolen it yet for thier own collection. i dont know if it willbe left there, or kicked down and walked on or stolen for someone else purpose, but at least i put it there and that was something i wanted to do. it is funny to those closest to me no one had realized how touched i had been by that monument. no one cared enough to listen. the sherbos were more into thier precious being lost with me to care anthing more. the sherbos are really really into themselves
my should hurt realy bad yeseterday. i felt like crying at points but why i wanted to cry was there was no one that cared. gary was eat up with his hang over and his back ache and all his issues. but i was ok with him until he started yelling at me i was going to sale the camaro for 500 dollars cuz we needed to get it out of the drive way. another reason he let me down. i wish he had helped keep her up. you see i get punished around here cuz they think i am lazy. forget the fact i may make the money to pay for the bills for the toys. forget the little things i do like made dinner yesterday and saturday night when we were hungry cuz no one ate well at sheris. sure i was stupid saturday morning while i was running the roads to get my mom taking care of and picking up my little magic pills to expect gary would cook us breakfast cuz no he ws too busy rolling and seeding and loading his truck for thei trip to sheris
this was my weekend but nothing about it was for me. my money is expected to pay for other things. as i went to bed last night he fussed abotu me making the arrangmeents for hotles for our trip. i worked really hard for that money and now i have topay for the whole trip i am going to sit in meetings while he gets to run the roads and this stuff is suposd to come out of my pocket. it would not have been so bad if i was not wanting the lens and if he had not bought himself a the tool box. and he already has his windows tinted and he moves forward. he bought himself toys liek flashlights and knives and thinks i am blowing too much money on clothes or no i can wait cuz we need moeny for the vacation
last year when he worked hard and got all that moeny from dave he ran out and bought hismelf 2000 worth of camera and equipment. he would never do that for me. he once again made this promise i would get the upgraded camera and he would take the other one. well when it happened he got the upgraded camera. actually tht did not matter expept i remember years ago promising me if he won a vehicle i would drive the vehicle since i drove further and took care of thekids and he kept the vehicle. selfish of me but ... dont make promises
although i think mike deserves the pickle for his antics i feel soured by everyone around me. yesterday i should have gone out and done something to lift my attitude but my shoulder hurt so bad that i ended up being buzzed by the pain management. today the shoulder feels lumpy but does not hurt like it was yesterday. i am not scheduling rooms until he puts some money forward to the trip too. its been ahile since he did something nice like brought me flowers and i would not have even got a card from the ass if i had not pushed for that. zz top was not my venue, it was for bo if anyone. sure i had fun...
well off to another hard work at week. i am pressured and need to get alot done and having ahrd time doing it. i cant trust those i delegate to to do things right. see i knowmy problems are that
moms legs look horrible and if there was a reason to kill myself she is it. i hate taking care of her i hate being respobsible for her. i dont feel like anyone has ever been there to take care of me althought gary loves me he does not take care of me and i dont feel like taking care of anyone else. but hell gary is wanting me to take care of him he was jealouslof me taking care of the kids when they were little instead of him and now he does not expect it and he does not thin he owes me any cuddling or taking care of. well i am in a pckle do a mood this week and the problem is i need to just get off my ass and go forward into this week
ta ta for now
it was a bad weekend, well saturday was. my grand idea lets go to sheris trailer out on the beach and have a family get togather. mostly i thought the kids would have fun. the parents have to come to shepard the kids.
mike quit his job. we knew it was coming and frankly the way they were treating him, i would have quit too. and i believe his ramblings on they were treating him like that. i been there and mine was called rcg. not that mike wanted to listen to me he clung to garys skirt tails and for the most part i was wrinkle in the sheet that could be ignored. mike decided along time ago that i hate him, and that is another of his justifications for being such a louse, i am a really hard hard bitch you know. i admit i dont like him, but i dont hate him either other than being the father of y grandkids i cant think of anything else he has done in his life that could impress me.
he seemed to be drunk within 5 minutes of being there. he walked up to me and complained i am drunk this happens when i mix drinks but i dont drink alot but boy i am drunk. in other words i am free now to make a fool of myself and ambled on on how bad i think i am. he cried that he was not worthy of callie and that he was wrong for quitting his job before he had another job. now mind you he had supposed tobe lookng for another job since feb but computer games are more fun than job hunting. he refused the transfer to kansas. well i am glad he did i dont want my family tomove and i certainly did not want callie tobe crying to come home a month later and we would have tofigure out how to get her but down here cuz she is home sick. also that was not right, the man just bought a house and company wants to tranfer him. rexes is not a great store and frankly unlike gary i dont know how long it will be around. they never impressed me. their prducts did not hold up as long. kind a like the walmmart of stores...just not as much stores or staff or procuts in thier stores.
on our way home he got mad at callie and jumped out the van as it was rolling and got lost in the swamp marshes of dow chemical. gary went and picked him up once dow found him and took hi home. callie has not told me much more than that they taked and he was humblized
i did want mike to wind down but i did not expect him to make a fool of himself.
lets see i knew it was a bad day when i was sitting by myself int he trailer and no one had remembered that the baby brandon was asleep and left unwatched int eh trailer. i used him as an excse to stay ther ena dnot have to venture down to the jetties in this heat. although seeing those crabs would hae been col to phototgraph.
sheri had already dissed me. she was mad at me cuz i told her about geff getting anew puppy and my cavilair attitude pissed her off. she would not even sit by me and she did not want to talk to me or listen to me. i tried to finsih my story but it was obvious she did not want to listen, so she embarrassed me in front of callie who was paying attention. at least callie was not taking sides or judgemental over it. but frankly as much as i liked sheri i am sick of her attitudes and just did nto enjoy it. she hurt my feelings on birthday on the way back from my birthday when i was shunned to the back sit with eric, so she could sit in the front seat to talk to her sister, cuz she could not go much longer without getting her sisters attention and having a civil conversation or what ever her attentions were. sure i should have ridden home with gary and if i could have i would have and left thier little family togather. instead of being an intrusion. i thought she wanted to spend time with me her best frined but she had had enoug of me. as usual i expect tomuch from her.
its not her fault that y familybehaved so badly.
gary infuriated me looking for mike. he yelled at brandon and was a reall asshole. i know that brandone is a bad kid and i dont like him either when he acts like he was. but poor maddie was sitting next to him with her little hands over her ears trying to hide while gary yelled over and over shut upto the child who was obviously not listening. that to tell you the truth was the low point of the night and i think i am so glad i was driving at that point cuz i could not have tolerated gary yelling at the boy and trying todrive the truck. we would have surely had a wreck.
it was a horrible weekend. and to tell the truth there had been that point in the trailer that i told myself drive off and leave these assholes along. but i was not feeling well about leaving brandon by himself and did not want to take him withme either
i did manage to do one thing for myslef that although it was not much i am glad i did it. i got to visit darlenes monument. it was torn down. idont know if hippy guy took it down cuz he was not getting any mileage from others off of it or some assholde descrated it for the fun of it. some of the shells were still there, the crab and cross were down and for some reason i thought someone tryied to burn it, although i did not see that. i left asingle black rose there for her. i felt sorry for her and although she would have disgused me in real life, in death i felt saddened for her life. i drove down the beach wondering if anyone back at sheries trailer would even miss me if i drove forever and when i came back the rose was at least still there and no one had stolen it yet for thier own collection. i dont know if it willbe left there, or kicked down and walked on or stolen for someone else purpose, but at least i put it there and that was something i wanted to do. it is funny to those closest to me no one had realized how touched i had been by that monument. no one cared enough to listen. the sherbos were more into thier precious being lost with me to care anthing more. the sherbos are really really into themselves
my should hurt realy bad yeseterday. i felt like crying at points but why i wanted to cry was there was no one that cared. gary was eat up with his hang over and his back ache and all his issues. but i was ok with him until he started yelling at me i was going to sale the camaro for 500 dollars cuz we needed to get it out of the drive way. another reason he let me down. i wish he had helped keep her up. you see i get punished around here cuz they think i am lazy. forget the fact i may make the money to pay for the bills for the toys. forget the little things i do like made dinner yesterday and saturday night when we were hungry cuz no one ate well at sheris. sure i was stupid saturday morning while i was running the roads to get my mom taking care of and picking up my little magic pills to expect gary would cook us breakfast cuz no he ws too busy rolling and seeding and loading his truck for thei trip to sheris
this was my weekend but nothing about it was for me. my money is expected to pay for other things. as i went to bed last night he fussed abotu me making the arrangmeents for hotles for our trip. i worked really hard for that money and now i have topay for the whole trip i am going to sit in meetings while he gets to run the roads and this stuff is suposd to come out of my pocket. it would not have been so bad if i was not wanting the lens and if he had not bought himself a the tool box. and he already has his windows tinted and he moves forward. he bought himself toys liek flashlights and knives and thinks i am blowing too much money on clothes or no i can wait cuz we need moeny for the vacation
last year when he worked hard and got all that moeny from dave he ran out and bought hismelf 2000 worth of camera and equipment. he would never do that for me. he once again made this promise i would get the upgraded camera and he would take the other one. well when it happened he got the upgraded camera. actually tht did not matter expept i remember years ago promising me if he won a vehicle i would drive the vehicle since i drove further and took care of thekids and he kept the vehicle. selfish of me but ... dont make promises
although i think mike deserves the pickle for his antics i feel soured by everyone around me. yesterday i should have gone out and done something to lift my attitude but my shoulder hurt so bad that i ended up being buzzed by the pain management. today the shoulder feels lumpy but does not hurt like it was yesterday. i am not scheduling rooms until he puts some money forward to the trip too. its been ahile since he did something nice like brought me flowers and i would not have even got a card from the ass if i had not pushed for that. zz top was not my venue, it was for bo if anyone. sure i had fun...
well off to another hard work at week. i am pressured and need to get alot done and having ahrd time doing it. i cant trust those i delegate to to do things right. see i knowmy problems are that
moms legs look horrible and if there was a reason to kill myself she is it. i hate taking care of her i hate being respobsible for her. i dont feel like anyone has ever been there to take care of me althought gary loves me he does not take care of me and i dont feel like taking care of anyone else. but hell gary is wanting me to take care of him he was jealouslof me taking care of the kids when they were little instead of him and now he does not expect it and he does not thin he owes me any cuddling or taking care of. well i am in a pckle do a mood this week and the problem is i need to just get off my ass and go forward into this week
ta ta for now
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