conspiracy theory

this is either titled conspiracy theory or go ahead and kick me in the teeth.
so lets go back a few weeks ago. certainly i told you about the weekend, that we took callie and mike with us to sheirs on quantana? well reminded me of these horror stories i used to hear from my mom about when my grandparents would come togather. such as the time alyce and buddy ran into fred and kay at mymoms and had a fight that resuled in kay being thrown down some stairs and having a broken legs. lovely story to grow up hearing when i was a kid. i am not a violent person by nature
so that was the weekend that we gave callie and mike the old van out of the theroy that it would help them. that old rat trap they drive has expired tags, bad windshield wipers and brakes. of course my son in law mike looked down his nose at the 21 year old van that has legal inspection sticker and legal tags. so he got drunk tht night made a big fool of himslef and walked about telling us that he knew how foolish he acts when he drinks, i was foolish enough to think the asshole needed to get a god drunk on and tlet off some tension. well he let off tension cumulating in him jumping out the van. lost a lot of respect for him that night. gary lost some too.
ok it is 4 weeks later and mike is stillnot working. of course he would use the excuse of callies emergcny surgery as holding him back
yes poor callie went to the local emergency room thinking she had a virus. thining they wuld give her something for the vomiting and send her home instead tehy end up keeping her and doing an ercp that day putting a stint in her until the next day when they could take her galbladder out. i took the week off from work cuz honestly after a zillion people knowing that would do that frankly it was my turn to take off and be with my child. it was a tensed week and i had alot of anger. the hosptial service was piss poor. i spent alot of time being angry at things they did there that i thought ws not right. so when she got out i took her home. so when her daughter needed to be registered for school i went and i enjoyed that. i drew the line at registering brando cuz frankly i thought it ws unfair that i get up early drive 30 minutes t get there when they live 5 minutes away and mike could get his ass out of bed and register his son is school. i should have known better than let the register him at 8 in the morning but mike pulled thru. he ws a dummylike myold man would be and did not get the improtant informatin like a change of clothese what about snacks ect.... by saturday i needed a break fromt he lowerys. callie even divulged to me the light bill was due on the 28th and she did not know how they would pay it. same day geff aske me to give him work around the house to pay his light bil. i am not the never ending fountain of money and i would like to spend more moeny on me than giving it away all the time.
ok so calie started turning to sheri. now the conspiracy theory begins. first off i have been told many years ago when geff needed tubes in his ears they would not do surgery cuz we had no money to pay down and no one in my family would have considered helping my grandparents were poor and my parents had barely enough moeny to keep mom happy. my parents would hav never cosnidered helping me with anything garys children needed. in fact they would not acknowldege my sons for years cuz they were garys kids. i hated them for that. that was the kind of prudes they were. gary has done more things form my mom since larry has died than any normal person would have willingly done. gary has done it without being hateful or eman and she has bitten cussed him and been bad. i have trie dnot to be that kind of mother in law to mike and although i refuse to do things for brando that i do for maddie, it is more the fact i always prefered girls to boys and the fact brandon is a brat.
ok so sheri gav them 88 dollars yesterday she gave them adise to go to houston and get the drain removed. callie flatly ignored my advise to go to to the er and get it pulled. should not have wasted my breath. auntie sheri told calllie behin my back not to trust bmh that the dr might do soemthing to spite her if she goes there. instead of going to utmb like the rest of the fools like her that think having insurances is for the elderly and the sick go. so they devised a plan for callie to go to herman hospital there sheri figures tehy will tak out the tubes and do a good job of it. of course i should be glad for the help. callie asked me to babysit thursday now who does she think i am. i dont baby sit i have said for years i dont babysit. and beside that i hav right to send my days as i want and if callie helped me more like with my mo and my life then i might be tempted. she can ask her mother in law or neice. the plan is for mike to take her to houston. according to auntie sheri he needs a chance to redeem himself according to auntie sheri i am too quick to take callies side adn callie makes things sound worse than they are. poor things they are stuck in that house with each other getting on each others nerves. she jumped my ass last night. i let her cu i wanted to hear where she ws comginfrom. she ws coming form a place i think she has ben for awhile and honestly i dont think we should be friends any more. cuz apparently she does not like me very much and she just does not realize it. she looks down her nose at me and does nto getit. i have been mad at her since the time i was drowning and she pushed yhead down further and told me to learn to swim.
well sheri took callie back to the dr and can you believe this she took a tape recorder with her and made the woman state thier policy of recieving at least half of the drs fees cuz there are so many self pay pts out there that just do not pay thier bills. trust me i know this cuz i am one of them. i ws not surprised they told her they wanted money and i hate to admit it although it sucks it seems to be right. medical care is not free unless you are deemed indigent and born of indigency. even when i was pregnant with callie i was too rich to be indigent cuz my step father, who had nothing to do with my own income made too much.
so sheri asked the women she tape recorded would they take the 88 dollars that callie had in pocket from her and they refused. now i do think that was a good move they refused her. so sheri and her planned that if calie has to go to a lawyer later she will have it feels like adamn soap opera you know. but here a piece of informatin callie did not tell me this. sheri did my daughter did not have guts enough to tell me sinc i did not do enough for her the other day that she turned to militant aunt sheri to do something for her cuz aunti e sheri is smarter and prettier and nicer than i am. i know i am sounding like a jeolous house cow but i feel betrayed in all of this. i am glad sheri is tryign to help her but why do i feel like they are purposely going behin my back cuz i cant do enough. sheris surirse over my caling her to tell her about shea grandbaby.
well later when i come back to this
mike will never take callie to houston. he was too lazy and not concerned enough t drive her to the hospital that mornign. whether calie is pitting us against each other and told him not to worry and stay home watch the kids will not be ever divulged. i know the potential is there for that to be the truth but the bottom line to me is no matter what he should have been worried enough about her to gone himself
i am worried about callie and will hate if things get worse for her but the problem is it is in callies ball court. the fact that she seems to waiting for someone to do it for her
i am hurt and i am tired of hurting. i have so much anger these days. i contemplate every day whether this lfe is worth going on with. if i had less people leaning on me i could be hapy.
callies problems ar enot my problems and i hate they are wieghing me down so heaviley. people seem to cont let me down cuz i expect so much of them. i resent sheri giving her the money although i know it helped callie
i noticed on the phone callie is not taking to me much ostly cuz i decided to go back towork and go on with my ow lifeand let her go on with hers.
callie i love you dearly you are a wonderful daughter. but you disappoint me in so many many ways. i am glad you are ok and hope to God you get your medical issues taken care of.
i am sorry that this is not interesting i am sorry for lots of things.

the son in laws gets the pickle

the pickle is this strang eittle xmas ornamanet i bought last year on sale. it is not necessary pretty but it reminds me of the old show laugh in. in stead of the fickled finger of fate, this this the green pickle of fate. looks like mike is going to earn this one this year
it was a bad weekend, well saturday was. my grand idea lets go to sheris trailer out on the beach and have a family get togather. mostly i thought the kids would have fun. the parents have to come to shepard the kids.
mike quit his job. we knew it was coming and frankly the way they were treating him, i would have quit too. and i believe his ramblings on they were treating him like that. i been there and mine was called rcg. not that mike wanted to listen to me he clung to garys skirt tails and for the most part i was wrinkle in the sheet that could be ignored. mike decided along time ago that i hate him, and that is another of his justifications for being such a louse, i am a really hard hard bitch you know. i admit i dont like him, but i dont hate him either other than being the father of y grandkids i cant think of anything else he has done in his life that could impress me.
he seemed to be drunk within 5 minutes of being there. he walked up to me and complained i am drunk this happens when i mix drinks but i dont drink alot but boy i am drunk. in other words i am free now to make a fool of myself and ambled on on how bad i think i am. he cried that he was not worthy of callie and that he was wrong for quitting his job before he had another job. now mind you he had supposed tobe lookng for another job since feb but computer games are more fun than job hunting. he refused the transfer to kansas. well i am glad he did i dont want my family tomove and i certainly did not want callie tobe crying to come home a month later and we would have tofigure out how to get her but down here cuz she is home sick. also that was not right, the man just bought a house and company wants to tranfer him. rexes is not a great store and frankly unlike gary i dont know how long it will be around. they never impressed me. their prducts did not hold up as long. kind a like the walmmart of stores...just not as much stores or staff or procuts in thier stores.
on our way home he got mad at callie and jumped out the van as it was rolling and got lost in the swamp marshes of dow chemical. gary went and picked him up once dow found him and took hi home. callie has not told me much more than that they taked and he was humblized
i did want mike to wind down but i did not expect him to make a fool of himself.
lets see i knew it was a bad day when i was sitting by myself int he trailer and no one had remembered that the baby brandon was asleep and left unwatched int eh trailer. i used him as an excse to stay ther ena dnot have to venture down to the jetties in this heat. although seeing those crabs would hae been col to phototgraph.
sheri had already dissed me. she was mad at me cuz i told her about geff getting anew puppy and my cavilair attitude pissed her off. she would not even sit by me and she did not want to talk to me or listen to me. i tried to finsih my story but it was obvious she did not want to listen, so she embarrassed me in front of callie who was paying attention. at least callie was not taking sides or judgemental over it. but frankly as much as i liked sheri i am sick of her attitudes and just did nto enjoy it. she hurt my feelings on birthday on the way back from my birthday when i was shunned to the back sit with eric, so she could sit in the front seat to talk to her sister, cuz she could not go much longer without getting her sisters attention and having a civil conversation or what ever her attentions were. sure i should have ridden home with gary and if i could have i would have and left thier little family togather. instead of being an intrusion. i thought she wanted to spend time with me her best frined but she had had enoug of me. as usual i expect tomuch from her.
its not her fault that y familybehaved so badly.
gary infuriated me looking for mike. he yelled at brandon and was a reall asshole. i know that brandone is a bad kid and i dont like him either when he acts like he was. but poor maddie was sitting next to him with her little hands over her ears trying to hide while gary yelled over and over shut upto the child who was obviously not listening. that to tell you the truth was the low point of the night and i think i am so glad i was driving at that point cuz i could not have tolerated gary yelling at the boy and trying todrive the truck. we would have surely had a wreck.
it was a horrible weekend. and to tell the truth there had been that point in the trailer that i told myself drive off and leave these assholes along. but i was not feeling well about leaving brandon by himself and did not want to take him withme either
i did manage to do one thing for myslef that although it was not much i am glad i did it. i got to visit darlenes monument. it was torn down. idont know if hippy guy took it down cuz he was not getting any mileage from others off of it or some assholde descrated it for the fun of it. some of the shells were still there, the crab and cross were down and for some reason i thought someone tryied to burn it, although i did not see that. i left asingle black rose there for her. i felt sorry for her and although she would have disgused me in real life, in death i felt saddened for her life. i drove down the beach wondering if anyone back at sheries trailer would even miss me if i drove forever and when i came back the rose was at least still there and no one had stolen it yet for thier own collection. i dont know if it willbe left there, or kicked down and walked on or stolen for someone else purpose, but at least i put it there and that was something i wanted to do. it is funny to those closest to me no one had realized how touched i had been by that monument. no one cared enough to listen. the sherbos were more into thier precious being lost with me to care anthing more. the sherbos are really really into themselves
my should hurt realy bad yeseterday. i felt like crying at points but why i wanted to cry was there was no one that cared. gary was eat up with his hang over and his back ache and all his issues. but i was ok with him until he started yelling at me i was going to sale the camaro for 500 dollars cuz we needed to get it out of the drive way. another reason he let me down. i wish he had helped keep her up. you see i get punished around here cuz they think i am lazy. forget the fact i may make the money to pay for the bills for the toys. forget the little things i do like made dinner yesterday and saturday night when we were hungry cuz no one ate well at sheris. sure i was stupid saturday morning while i was running the roads to get my mom taking care of and picking up my little magic pills to expect gary would cook us breakfast cuz no he ws too busy rolling and seeding and loading his truck for thei trip to sheris
this was my weekend but nothing about it was for me. my money is expected to pay for other things. as i went to bed last night he fussed abotu me making the arrangmeents for hotles for our trip. i worked really hard for that money and now i have topay for the whole trip i am going to sit in meetings while he gets to run the roads and this stuff is suposd to come out of my pocket. it would not have been so bad if i was not wanting the lens and if he had not bought himself a the tool box. and he already has his windows tinted and he moves forward. he bought himself toys liek flashlights and knives and thinks i am blowing too much money on clothes or no i can wait cuz we need moeny for the vacation
last year when he worked hard and got all that moeny from dave he ran out and bought hismelf 2000 worth of camera and equipment. he would never do that for me. he once again made this promise i would get the upgraded camera and he would take the other one. well when it happened he got the upgraded camera. actually tht did not matter expept i remember years ago promising me if he won a vehicle i would drive the vehicle since i drove further and took care of thekids and he kept the vehicle. selfish of me but ... dont make promises
although i think mike deserves the pickle for his antics i feel soured by everyone around me. yesterday i should have gone out and done something to lift my attitude but my shoulder hurt so bad that i ended up being buzzed by the pain management. today the shoulder feels lumpy but does not hurt like it was yesterday. i am not scheduling rooms until he puts some money forward to the trip too. its been ahile since he did something nice like brought me flowers and i would not have even got a card from the ass if i had not pushed for that. zz top was not my venue, it was for bo if anyone. sure i had fun...
well off to another hard work at week. i am pressured and need to get alot done and having ahrd time doing it. i cant trust those i delegate to to do things right. see i knowmy problems are that
moms legs look horrible and if there was a reason to kill myself she is it. i hate taking care of her i hate being respobsible for her. i dont feel like anyone has ever been there to take care of me althought gary loves me he does not take care of me and i dont feel like taking care of anyone else. but hell gary is wanting me to take care of him he was jealouslof me taking care of the kids when they were little instead of him and now he does not expect it and he does not thin he owes me any cuddling or taking care of. well i am in a pckle do a mood this week and the problem is i need to just get off my ass and go forward into this week
ta ta for now

are you sure its not a full moon tonight?

Ever leave home thinking you forgot something or fogot to do something? this plagued me all day but i have never found out what it it yet. i left work with the same nagging feeling.
what a day. i worked hard and for the most part it was for nothing more than an edcuation to me. from the school of hard knocks. it actually more affects a patient than me, but i worked hard to make everything right and when i fixed it all one sooth swipe of the ceo and all was for naught. it was not that i liked the patietn. i think she was a whiny little thing who seemed less capable of taking care of herself than the puppy who currently resides in mylap. it was not that i thought the pt worked hard for the right for our semi free medical care in my country cuz it seemed obvious to all this was nother place of birth. when taking care of pts this stuff is not supposed to be important taking care of the sick is what a nurse is supposed to do. in that part i did my job. i had told the hospital and the pts family allweek my unit couldnot accept her and they needed to get busy. i watched them mill around her talking thier native language to my non comprehending ears. today the husband took accoutability and tried. and i got an answer from ss and i had gotten that answer before on other freeby pts, that had been acceted in our unit. whether it bothered them that thier care was free or whether they just expected to be taken care of not of my concern. but this one particular little patient got runred down. i made a zillion calls today while working on my own paper work trying to pave the way for this pt cuz i did not want her to go home and die. or as bad as dr l predicted she would be back to the emergency room every other week until she died and hopefully not while on our machine. the upside was dispite y best attempt aybe she will get accepted somewhere else. next week it will be a new problem
ok one of my prn people is in jail. does nto surprise me, she is trashy but then again you would think at her age, she would have the intelligence to keep herself out of jail the way she brags that her boyfriend is rich, youd think he would bailher out of jail. and as smart as she claims to be about her profession you would never expect her to make the mistakes she makes. actually she is messy and skanky and if i had a longer list of prn people i would never call her. she would fade away into obvilion but in the area where we work having two prn people is a blessing in itself.
my pal asked me last night was my problem last night. which confirmed my fear that i talk more than listen to her cuz ialways think i have have bigger issues, whereas most of them will fade away soon enough
all but my biggst issue she is wanting me to listne to her newest cococted story of murder and conspiracy theries and last night i did not hae the patience or tolerence to listen to her. i dont want ottake her to the pysch unit again. i am tired of doing this time after time after time. i told gary i wish she would just die and he was appalled, but i explained to her that this was not a wish for pain or anything negative. i truly believe that she is tormented on this earth. she has so many fears and the voodoo people get her dispite the police protection she brags about. yesterday she stood in front of me telling me the voodoo people bite off her nipple, fortunately there was no blood or brusiing so at lest she is not inflicting injury on herself any more italk fo being tired of it like i would a small child that is misbehaving but she lacks the control over these problems and she sees me as a judas since i apparently do not believe her. in my world i dont have time for this. i am busy running taking care of everyones probelsm i dont have time for the ravings of a mad woman. death i would hope will release her from all these early tortues that the chemicals in her atrophied brain inflicts on her, they are very realistic to her.
i would run away from this if i could, but since i do not wish to become a darlene i stay. i live with the guilt of hating her. i live with the guilt of dreading going to her house and having to take care of her. its not her fault, but she still inflicts this on me by her continued existance. some day when and if she dies before i do, i will regret not having more quality time with her, but in the world she has created around her this will never ever happen. so although i would inflict no harm on her i do wish she would just die and go away and leave me alone with my other worldly concerns.
why is it things seem to get harder the older i get?? i thought with age comes wisdom and i would be more able to handle these issues. instead the issues get bigger and harder to handle.
so is there a full moon tonight? somehow there is its just not visible to the naked eye. ta ta for now

darlene's monument

I do not know who Darlene was. I do know i was told she is now a was and the pay tribute to her, dispite her disloyal wonderings, this red headed hippy man constructed a small monument in her memory.
the monument sat by the pier, a mixture of odds and ends, the hippy man had gathered along the dirty shore line. there was various shells, small toys, a bleached out crab, that stretched from tip to tip of his extended pinchers about a foot long. the Simple Cross was 2 pieces of bamboo, entwined securely togather with some odd rope also found abandoned on the beach.
The hippy man first approached us when we were surveying the site with a story of how darlene had died a week ago at the very site of the cross. my young friend and i looked at each other curious, how someone had died on the beach and neither had heard of it Living on the gulf coast, there are many weekends of stories of people that end up missing and later found drowned. It is one of the sad things of living on the coast line. the lives that it reaches out and takes unexpectedly.
we walked on our journey though. I felt that it may have been intrusive to invade on the hippy mans story, my young friend was mostly likely surprised by the hippys casual banter. It was decided after we looked over the gulf, watching the fishermen bring in small crabs, to go back and listne to the hippys story about his darlene.
i have to admit, i listened at first with suspicion. I thought at first the hippy told us that it was his daughter that died. However two things i am not is confrontational and polite. I let him go on over 20 minutes as we lost the day light telling us her story
he told us of how a few weeks ago he had just gotten his weekly check of 220 dollars and had a choice of paying for another week at the hotel where he and darlene stayed or eating. he said that darlene decided they should go to the wallmart and buy a couple of tents and pitch them on the beach. she loved the beach and felt its summerly atmosphere was more desirable than letting go of the scanty money he possessed. there were other things that could be bought with that money.
They pitched thier tent by the steps to the pier partially protected by the overhand of the pier and most definitely allowing not only a seafront view to the ocean, but to the people traversering the stairs, in thier quest of either fishing or to gaze ont he waves as they rolled into the shoreline. he wasi that darlene did leave them for a few days, going off with some men that she knew that had been on the pier. but he quickly pointed out that when these men were thru with her they just left her in freeport.
he told us that darlene was very ill. she was an alcoholic and it was killing her. he said with tears welling up in his eyes that he tried to place her in rehab, but rehab would not take peole unless they had been sober for at least 3 days. she was unable to manage this. he siad that he went to her family and begged them to help. he said that they refused. he said he could not blame them though cuz she had let them down so many times before. he told us he could not blame them. she let him down many times. she had run around on him when he was at work more times than he could count. he would say no more was he going to allow her to use him, but he still would help her each time she was in need
the week before she died, he knew she was in trouble. he begged her to let him take her to the hospital but she continued to refuse. she laid on on a lawn chair soaking up the beach ambience and when the wetather turned to the torrential rains that plagued our area most of this July, she refused to move into the protection of the tent. she was too weak to get up and he begged as he drug her by himself into her tent to let him go down the road to the cafe and call for 911 to come get her, she continued to refuse. He noticed she had large sores on her legs when he drug her in the tent and they alarmed him, but he reasoned they were not sunburn and examined thier causative factors no more. He said he knew things were bad and in his need to make darlene less miserable he went to the store and bought her a 12 pack. she had been a couple of days of no beer, she celebrated this with him by drinking a 6 pack between the two of them
the morning that she died, he crawled out of his old black ford pick up and checked on her to see if she had mysteriously left him in the night, like she had done so many times before. he again asked her to let him call 911 and take her to get help and once again, she argued with him, to leave her on the beach she was better off there, than the hospital. to end the arguement at some point one of them realized they were hungry. she told him she would like some fried shrimp and he went down the dirt road, to get thier food. While he was at the cafe, he ask them to call 911 that darlene was really sick and needed to go to the hospital. they gave him the food, but it seems that they did not call anyone. when he got back the found her dead in the tent. after realizing that he could not revive her, he raced back down to the cafe and had 911 called. It was an eternity to him. he said they took over 30 minutes, this must have been a life time to him, waiting for someone to come rescue darlene once more
since her death he had started gathering items he found on the beach and constructed the little monument.
he told both of us that he hoped that no one would vandalize the site when he wsa gone during the day at his job. His goal was when people saw the monument they would add something to it. with this my friend pulled a large orange floater he had found on the beach and added it to the collection.
I do not know who darlene was or when she acutally died. I was very touched by the hippy man that dispite his protest she was not his love, that he was her friend. he constructed the site in her memory, since life had given her so little at least in spirit she would enjoy the tribute and small treasures around them.
I hope that an kind does not decide to descrate the site in thier blind stupidity to make themsleves look important I wil certainly add something to the monument next time i go I do not know what it willbe at this time, but it will come to me when i go back