reflection. i get it. self eval and analysis of my life ongoing. i spent the early part ofthis week playing a game like someone that has sprated from a spouse. bargaining to go back. expecting to be taken back, but this is a different situation. i walked out on that job. i hated it while was there but now i want to go back. but i dont know if i do, i just wanted to be asked. i need to leave it where it is at though at this point. i am missed by the ones that it was important to me to miss me. it touches me the pts miss me and it touches me that the hospital district misses me and thinks that i was the best thing tat could happen tothat place
i can see if i try hard enough i will get to a point of being liked respected and cared for at my new job. i see it. it is a realistic goal
i am sad that i have had nothing to do enjoyable the last few days. that is my fault though.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
the four phases
i dont remember who's 4 phases they are and it seems like to me when i started college this was a new innovative concept. the first starts with denial. i went thru that during jan. mixed in with anger. i told everyone cuz i wanted to feel vindative. anger i took this job to space myself as far as i could from it. anger not getting unemployment.
bargaining, is that now? the pts supposedly finally started that petition, i encouraged last month. well my sourse is shirley who is not a good source. her information in the past was exkewed. i learned to take most rumors she brought to me with a grain of salt n let them play out. she was mistrusted by many n Altho i kne she had spnt her own fair share of mouthing n running me down it never bothered me cuz i had her number and she was predictable. i also creditd her for being istrumental in bringing me back. i never empowered her with credit cuz she would have used it in an inappropriate way that would have brought shame
so anyway it has fanned a flicker of hope that i couldbe asked to come back. apparently this means alot to me. i remember running into old pts from the first time i left bay city to the time i left lake jackson. the hope they would tell me how much they missed me and i should and could come back. then of course their following lines each of those times was to tell me that they had been told that the possibility of me coming back was nil cuz they had been told i had messed up and did some bad things. it always angered me to hear this becuase i didnot think these things were true. in both of those jobs i had worked my butt off, often doing the jobs of two to three other people and each time i left it was discovered, much to the dismay of my managers. i am typically so lay back and seem to do things so effortlessly they each time discoveredmine were hard shoes to fill. both of those times they filled them with hateful remarks, to make thier efforts look better. each time they said them to people that were ready toembrace that i was bad, cuz i had left them and my doors were shut. each time i hung my head down and walked down different paths. ashamed to be remembered this way ashamed that dispite my best efforts i was not given credit for the things i did do. i actually had vindacation when that monster peggy acknowledged that when she had audited lake jackson it ran well until i left. however i never understood why she hired gwen who did have reason to hang her head down. she was the one the unit failed under. i guess peggy felt sorry for her cuz she saw that rcg was really the big bad. funny thing there i saw it long time before everyone else did. even the drs pulled out of that
ok so today i did not want to go into bay city. i wouldhave been so happy to stay away, but caroline pulled a stupid stunt and i have let her know how stupid it was. she had to be admited and unfortunately she may have to go in the nursing home. and i will not be able to rescue her this time. i will have to keep her ther to waste away and die. is that a better existance than finsihng her life in that home, maybe it a neater end for her. maybe less hassle for me, but my hopes and concrens about bay city are more prevalent at ths time
i am bargaining. i was told by someone today and i could not even remeber her name or barely her face, i am so dumb. 'that place has gone to hell it is a mess. why have they not called you back yet?' wow. i did not prompt her to say this she told me this out of the blue well she is right why have they not called me back? actually alot of reasons. the top layer is bennies pride. she almost let that place go to hell that day margie was there. she could have called me but she was willing ot let it fail and then subsequently blame me when the unit wasclosed down for walking out. whether in her panic this was foremost it was at the back of her mind. how far to take her vengence on me. the unit may have been rescued by the dik in the box jerry. he rushed in and gave the right answers and saved the unitwell my wishes were not to close that unitwhen i walked out it was due to pride and it was due to a certain conviction that i was not going to cont to be the same slobbering mongrel they thought i was. they looked down thier noses at me, dangled my job and my humility on a string like a rotten piece of meat in front of me and thought i was desparate enough to drool and not leave. had it been a team work thing and i would have been treated as an equal then i could have stayed. unfortunately for me i was so drained by the trauma of what happened i was stunned, drained and angry. it was not thier place to worry about me and since i had been treated badly before i felt it was an appropriate decision to flee. i walked out not giving them a chance to say they tried to talk sense to me. without giving them a chance of frowning down on stupid me. i left them saying i refused to work with them to fix the unit. i walked out of them and left them all that work. some of that work was unnessesary but i doubt they even told nra all the time and things they were doing in the pretense of hard work. i thought the notebooks for employee files was the stupidest thing i ever saw, next to the coffee pot. lost of people were impressed at first tht the unit looked so damn good. why they cleaned it up. and that was another bad thing about me. i honestly never found the place that bad. sure it was cluttered but i am a cluttered person. i tired to look at times but what i saw did not bother me.
i was very angry when i left. iwas tired. i held that place togather bymyself for a long time they had been happy to leave me alone. i never ran that place thinking oh well if i fail who cares, cuz i did care. i prayed each night please dont let margie walk in tomorrow and close us down. i looked at things i thought she would get us at, but then i had a block. the blick was i was scared to give more of me cuz i had with the last two units i had run and i had been crushed like a roach when each was thru and left to die, while others ran around and boasted how they were so perfect and how they fixed my messes. i never had the voice to call them liers. i slunk away in embarrssment and anger. i guess that is called passive aggressive.
there are parts of me that liked what i did. i liked telling others what to do and i liked the power. in my new job which i frequently refer to as the jennifer show i act timid and shy. i have not shown what i can do cuz i dont want to intimadate anyone. i dont want things dropped in my lap cuz i am capable. i want to see the ropes and i want to test them before i have to pull them. jennifer made me mad that day she todlme i should have been with her when she talked to that angry family about thier relative going hospice. well i didnot feel like following her like a dog. i dont remember her asking me to come too. it embarrassed me when she told me this but then i realized later she really does not know me or who i was. i am more than capable of handling that. i handled such things in my dialysis job. my problem is i dont sit on the counters and tell my glorious story of what jobs i have done and how i pulled them thru. i tell tidbits that show i been around the block but i flet had theyknown i was an adminstrator before coming there, they would blow me off as lzy or slow cuz i spent 6 years sitting behind a desk and not on the front lines, like her. well the thing is my reality was so differnet than hers, she would never be able to relate. once i know this place and the ropes i can do what she does. i just hope i dont come off as coarse as she does sometimes. sure the place dnt need a bleeding heart like me. people like thier icu nurses tobe coarse and concise. i guess
thats a whole different story.
back to mywoes about bay city. i have pondered this. i know it is aplace of comfort and myterriotry. i feel in my heart that unit will always be mine and that it needs me to run right. i want to be asked to come back i can imagine what i would say is the problem. would i be stupid and go back? there would be the doubts since i ran out before. there would be the staff of people that i really dont like left. there would be bennie who i do not like or respect. i do not appreciate how she treated me. although i am sure in her heart she feels that she was doing her job and i deserved to be treated that way. myforgiving soul can get that. my practical side says had she not believed that i was a lesser being then her christian side would have never ever treated me that way. one thing i have seen inpeople this year. they are content to tell me thier stories and how they have sacrificed and worked hard toget where they are. in some cases thier actions have not supported thier mantras of thier glory. i do wish joe or really brenda would just call me and ask me to come back. i wish that brenda would call and ask me to meet with her and ask me to come back. i would request to not work under bennie, i know that much. sheri tells me of course ask for more money which i guess would be expected, but more than that i resented the lack of benefits i resented that staff getting cash out pto each year and what did i get? a watch/ but in all reality i wear and utilize that watch. the money would have been blown on gifts that no one would have remembered next year. so i call it my 1700 dollar watch.
this is my bargaining phase. i want to be asked to come back. i think i would although i dont hate my new job. i am learning alot there and feel i can and will be good at it eventually. i think i am capable of getting respected and repore with those there.
the more realistic part of me says that nra wouldnot ask me back cuz that would mean some part of them failed. it is easier toblame me. i would like to goback and put that unit togather. sure i regret things. i regret how steph treated angie. i regret i missed the information about using dummy chambers. how can you know a tree fell in the forest unless you been there before? i never blamed shirley. i could have been a lesser person and made it about her failure, but i would nothave felt good about that. now on retrospect, i lied about ruby but itwas myonly out there. she had done me wrong for so long that i took that road and got rid of her. but dispite my feelings about shirly like i stated here in the beginning i was not going to wrong her tomake myself look better.
of course i was looked down for being honest. well this isnot a perfect world. i have sould searched enough to know that i wouldnot have left that place had i nothad t leave withmy head hanging down. i wouldhave stayed cuz my friends and family all felt it was right for me. dispite how unhappy or angry i was. and that is why i think i might not goback. i know that my unhappiness started before margie slammed us.
i still would like the ego boost that for once in my life i would be asked back. i understand that i am dealing with cooperate people who do not care for the humane factor here and it prob willnot happen. i should be greatful for the gifts given to me with peoples praise and good words about me at this time.
i will always be the heart ofthat place regardless who walks in that door. i will always be the key that could keep the heart pumping in its rythym and without life threatening potential. it is nice some acknowldege it instead of all denying it. napolean needs to get a shot of testerone and pullfor his right arm to come back. i brought him respect and he knew it.
well ia tired.
i do hope to write some day soon that what i want to happen is really happening.
bargaining, is that now? the pts supposedly finally started that petition, i encouraged last month. well my sourse is shirley who is not a good source. her information in the past was exkewed. i learned to take most rumors she brought to me with a grain of salt n let them play out. she was mistrusted by many n Altho i kne she had spnt her own fair share of mouthing n running me down it never bothered me cuz i had her number and she was predictable. i also creditd her for being istrumental in bringing me back. i never empowered her with credit cuz she would have used it in an inappropriate way that would have brought shame
so anyway it has fanned a flicker of hope that i couldbe asked to come back. apparently this means alot to me. i remember running into old pts from the first time i left bay city to the time i left lake jackson. the hope they would tell me how much they missed me and i should and could come back. then of course their following lines each of those times was to tell me that they had been told that the possibility of me coming back was nil cuz they had been told i had messed up and did some bad things. it always angered me to hear this becuase i didnot think these things were true. in both of those jobs i had worked my butt off, often doing the jobs of two to three other people and each time i left it was discovered, much to the dismay of my managers. i am typically so lay back and seem to do things so effortlessly they each time discoveredmine were hard shoes to fill. both of those times they filled them with hateful remarks, to make thier efforts look better. each time they said them to people that were ready toembrace that i was bad, cuz i had left them and my doors were shut. each time i hung my head down and walked down different paths. ashamed to be remembered this way ashamed that dispite my best efforts i was not given credit for the things i did do. i actually had vindacation when that monster peggy acknowledged that when she had audited lake jackson it ran well until i left. however i never understood why she hired gwen who did have reason to hang her head down. she was the one the unit failed under. i guess peggy felt sorry for her cuz she saw that rcg was really the big bad. funny thing there i saw it long time before everyone else did. even the drs pulled out of that
ok so today i did not want to go into bay city. i wouldhave been so happy to stay away, but caroline pulled a stupid stunt and i have let her know how stupid it was. she had to be admited and unfortunately she may have to go in the nursing home. and i will not be able to rescue her this time. i will have to keep her ther to waste away and die. is that a better existance than finsihng her life in that home, maybe it a neater end for her. maybe less hassle for me, but my hopes and concrens about bay city are more prevalent at ths time
i am bargaining. i was told by someone today and i could not even remeber her name or barely her face, i am so dumb. 'that place has gone to hell it is a mess. why have they not called you back yet?' wow. i did not prompt her to say this she told me this out of the blue well she is right why have they not called me back? actually alot of reasons. the top layer is bennies pride. she almost let that place go to hell that day margie was there. she could have called me but she was willing ot let it fail and then subsequently blame me when the unit wasclosed down for walking out. whether in her panic this was foremost it was at the back of her mind. how far to take her vengence on me. the unit may have been rescued by the dik in the box jerry. he rushed in and gave the right answers and saved the unitwell my wishes were not to close that unitwhen i walked out it was due to pride and it was due to a certain conviction that i was not going to cont to be the same slobbering mongrel they thought i was. they looked down thier noses at me, dangled my job and my humility on a string like a rotten piece of meat in front of me and thought i was desparate enough to drool and not leave. had it been a team work thing and i would have been treated as an equal then i could have stayed. unfortunately for me i was so drained by the trauma of what happened i was stunned, drained and angry. it was not thier place to worry about me and since i had been treated badly before i felt it was an appropriate decision to flee. i walked out not giving them a chance to say they tried to talk sense to me. without giving them a chance of frowning down on stupid me. i left them saying i refused to work with them to fix the unit. i walked out of them and left them all that work. some of that work was unnessesary but i doubt they even told nra all the time and things they were doing in the pretense of hard work. i thought the notebooks for employee files was the stupidest thing i ever saw, next to the coffee pot. lost of people were impressed at first tht the unit looked so damn good. why they cleaned it up. and that was another bad thing about me. i honestly never found the place that bad. sure it was cluttered but i am a cluttered person. i tired to look at times but what i saw did not bother me.
i was very angry when i left. iwas tired. i held that place togather bymyself for a long time they had been happy to leave me alone. i never ran that place thinking oh well if i fail who cares, cuz i did care. i prayed each night please dont let margie walk in tomorrow and close us down. i looked at things i thought she would get us at, but then i had a block. the blick was i was scared to give more of me cuz i had with the last two units i had run and i had been crushed like a roach when each was thru and left to die, while others ran around and boasted how they were so perfect and how they fixed my messes. i never had the voice to call them liers. i slunk away in embarrssment and anger. i guess that is called passive aggressive.
there are parts of me that liked what i did. i liked telling others what to do and i liked the power. in my new job which i frequently refer to as the jennifer show i act timid and shy. i have not shown what i can do cuz i dont want to intimadate anyone. i dont want things dropped in my lap cuz i am capable. i want to see the ropes and i want to test them before i have to pull them. jennifer made me mad that day she todlme i should have been with her when she talked to that angry family about thier relative going hospice. well i didnot feel like following her like a dog. i dont remember her asking me to come too. it embarrassed me when she told me this but then i realized later she really does not know me or who i was. i am more than capable of handling that. i handled such things in my dialysis job. my problem is i dont sit on the counters and tell my glorious story of what jobs i have done and how i pulled them thru. i tell tidbits that show i been around the block but i flet had theyknown i was an adminstrator before coming there, they would blow me off as lzy or slow cuz i spent 6 years sitting behind a desk and not on the front lines, like her. well the thing is my reality was so differnet than hers, she would never be able to relate. once i know this place and the ropes i can do what she does. i just hope i dont come off as coarse as she does sometimes. sure the place dnt need a bleeding heart like me. people like thier icu nurses tobe coarse and concise. i guess
thats a whole different story.
back to mywoes about bay city. i have pondered this. i know it is aplace of comfort and myterriotry. i feel in my heart that unit will always be mine and that it needs me to run right. i want to be asked to come back i can imagine what i would say is the problem. would i be stupid and go back? there would be the doubts since i ran out before. there would be the staff of people that i really dont like left. there would be bennie who i do not like or respect. i do not appreciate how she treated me. although i am sure in her heart she feels that she was doing her job and i deserved to be treated that way. myforgiving soul can get that. my practical side says had she not believed that i was a lesser being then her christian side would have never ever treated me that way. one thing i have seen inpeople this year. they are content to tell me thier stories and how they have sacrificed and worked hard toget where they are. in some cases thier actions have not supported thier mantras of thier glory. i do wish joe or really brenda would just call me and ask me to come back. i wish that brenda would call and ask me to meet with her and ask me to come back. i would request to not work under bennie, i know that much. sheri tells me of course ask for more money which i guess would be expected, but more than that i resented the lack of benefits i resented that staff getting cash out pto each year and what did i get? a watch/ but in all reality i wear and utilize that watch. the money would have been blown on gifts that no one would have remembered next year. so i call it my 1700 dollar watch.
this is my bargaining phase. i want to be asked to come back. i think i would although i dont hate my new job. i am learning alot there and feel i can and will be good at it eventually. i think i am capable of getting respected and repore with those there.
the more realistic part of me says that nra wouldnot ask me back cuz that would mean some part of them failed. it is easier toblame me. i would like to goback and put that unit togather. sure i regret things. i regret how steph treated angie. i regret i missed the information about using dummy chambers. how can you know a tree fell in the forest unless you been there before? i never blamed shirley. i could have been a lesser person and made it about her failure, but i would nothave felt good about that. now on retrospect, i lied about ruby but itwas myonly out there. she had done me wrong for so long that i took that road and got rid of her. but dispite my feelings about shirly like i stated here in the beginning i was not going to wrong her tomake myself look better.
of course i was looked down for being honest. well this isnot a perfect world. i have sould searched enough to know that i wouldnot have left that place had i nothad t leave withmy head hanging down. i wouldhave stayed cuz my friends and family all felt it was right for me. dispite how unhappy or angry i was. and that is why i think i might not goback. i know that my unhappiness started before margie slammed us.
i still would like the ego boost that for once in my life i would be asked back. i understand that i am dealing with cooperate people who do not care for the humane factor here and it prob willnot happen. i should be greatful for the gifts given to me with peoples praise and good words about me at this time.
i will always be the heart ofthat place regardless who walks in that door. i will always be the key that could keep the heart pumping in its rythym and without life threatening potential. it is nice some acknowldege it instead of all denying it. napolean needs to get a shot of testerone and pullfor his right arm to come back. i brought him respect and he knew it.
well ia tired.
i do hope to write some day soon that what i want to happen is really happening.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
reinvention pains
reinvention is not without its pains, doubts and concerns. i ad hoped to ease on to this withoutany. of course i am plagued with many concerns. such as the warm fuzzies i used to get. does getting older mean less warm fuzzies or does the fact i did not give back enough to get them count or is it we just run out of them at points in our lives?
i honestly dont know what to do sometimes. the fact is i would sit still and not do something rather than jump in and invove myself more. then sit back in envy i do not move around as easily as i see others. thats history.
in the middle of my second week here. i m stuck now with no other options. the dialysis options re closed doors. even if i could get hired in a local unit, it is not want i want to do althoughit is something i can do with ease. i will nevr foget the first time i ever worked in a unit other than the unit i was working the next unit lake jackson was so different than where i worked. so much more aggressive. i did not want to beseen as stupid or slow but pretended ease doing things like injecting ferrlicet or manitol, when i had come from backwoods bay city and we had never been allowedto do that.
anyway my second week and i have had a patient die tw days in a row now granted both pts were dnr's. the ink barely dry on both papers. will it always be that last minute then you can breath thing though? also it bothers me i had been in the rooms at least 20 minutes before each of them died and poof they were gone. thier deaths not as lingering as one would have thought.
mr turk kept pulling towards the light. i saw it and kept pulling in back in his bed instead of the edge of the bed he kept pulling himself towards. he lingered long enough that his family came and saw him and papers signed and he died.
then we had a code down in er on monday.
we took care of that pt the next day so i could learn the vent. his family decided to ake him off the vent. the nurses told him not to advance so fast thru his diet, he died 9 hours after he was extubated and of course not before the end of the shift. (pesar) it was sad the dghtr was crying so hard. she said it was what he wanted. i kept thinking at least they could have gotten him something he wanted to eat. he ould have held it in his mouth sucked out the flavor and then spit it out. i realize they did not want to directly cause his death
deaths come in threes. my fav pt from mrdc died last night. charlie the cowboy. he was a good man and helping him and his family always made me feel good. this man never had a bad thing to sayabout my unit and when i quit, he was the only one that called me and told me how much he missed me. of course he was the only one with my card. but iloved him. i hope he did not think i only just said it. i meant it.
i realized today that its been a month since i walked out on nra. feels so much longer already.
there is not a day go by i do not think of mrdc. at least i have found i do not think about it when i am at work. i am not sure about the people i work with but sofar i can say they are not gossips.
jennifer is good at what she does. she multitasks well and her skill is incredible. i was at that point in dialysis. it seems i am not needed in dialysis anymore
i recieved an email tday about them havinga valentines party for the pts today they had a singing contest and sounds like it was good for the staff and pts. i would have like to taken pictures but i would not hav liked having to herd the staff to do it. maybe they gladly did it. but i remembered trying something similar years ago when i ran bkc. i tried the secret sweet heart thing. it failed miserably. so i guess i did not feel encouraged to repeat previous mistakes. i often thought about doing more for the pts, but i felt like i did so much by myself and tired of it. i got selfish cuz no one ever made efforts for me and i got tired of running my own life and doing for what i thought was an ungreatful bunch of pts. too bad for the pts i let the staff ruin my expectations of the world. of course some of those pts were no better than the staff. but it was none of thier faults, it was mine.
now i dont have to worry about it being someones birthday or having to make arrangements. i am sure if i was still there bennie would have dumped most of it on me. i would have enjoyed watching the pts though
i hope that this dying trend subsides and i can get about learning at the new job
happy one month anniversary. i realized it too late to celebrate catch it later
i honestly dont know what to do sometimes. the fact is i would sit still and not do something rather than jump in and invove myself more. then sit back in envy i do not move around as easily as i see others. thats history.
in the middle of my second week here. i m stuck now with no other options. the dialysis options re closed doors. even if i could get hired in a local unit, it is not want i want to do althoughit is something i can do with ease. i will nevr foget the first time i ever worked in a unit other than the unit i was working the next unit lake jackson was so different than where i worked. so much more aggressive. i did not want to beseen as stupid or slow but pretended ease doing things like injecting ferrlicet or manitol, when i had come from backwoods bay city and we had never been allowedto do that.
anyway my second week and i have had a patient die tw days in a row now granted both pts were dnr's. the ink barely dry on both papers. will it always be that last minute then you can breath thing though? also it bothers me i had been in the rooms at least 20 minutes before each of them died and poof they were gone. thier deaths not as lingering as one would have thought.
mr turk kept pulling towards the light. i saw it and kept pulling in back in his bed instead of the edge of the bed he kept pulling himself towards. he lingered long enough that his family came and saw him and papers signed and he died.
then we had a code down in er on monday.
we took care of that pt the next day so i could learn the vent. his family decided to ake him off the vent. the nurses told him not to advance so fast thru his diet, he died 9 hours after he was extubated and of course not before the end of the shift. (pesar) it was sad the dghtr was crying so hard. she said it was what he wanted. i kept thinking at least they could have gotten him something he wanted to eat. he ould have held it in his mouth sucked out the flavor and then spit it out. i realize they did not want to directly cause his death
deaths come in threes. my fav pt from mrdc died last night. charlie the cowboy. he was a good man and helping him and his family always made me feel good. this man never had a bad thing to sayabout my unit and when i quit, he was the only one that called me and told me how much he missed me. of course he was the only one with my card. but iloved him. i hope he did not think i only just said it. i meant it.
i realized today that its been a month since i walked out on nra. feels so much longer already.
there is not a day go by i do not think of mrdc. at least i have found i do not think about it when i am at work. i am not sure about the people i work with but sofar i can say they are not gossips.
jennifer is good at what she does. she multitasks well and her skill is incredible. i was at that point in dialysis. it seems i am not needed in dialysis anymore
i recieved an email tday about them havinga valentines party for the pts today they had a singing contest and sounds like it was good for the staff and pts. i would have like to taken pictures but i would not hav liked having to herd the staff to do it. maybe they gladly did it. but i remembered trying something similar years ago when i ran bkc. i tried the secret sweet heart thing. it failed miserably. so i guess i did not feel encouraged to repeat previous mistakes. i often thought about doing more for the pts, but i felt like i did so much by myself and tired of it. i got selfish cuz no one ever made efforts for me and i got tired of running my own life and doing for what i thought was an ungreatful bunch of pts. too bad for the pts i let the staff ruin my expectations of the world. of course some of those pts were no better than the staff. but it was none of thier faults, it was mine.
now i dont have to worry about it being someones birthday or having to make arrangements. i am sure if i was still there bennie would have dumped most of it on me. i would have enjoyed watching the pts though
i hope that this dying trend subsides and i can get about learning at the new job
happy one month anniversary. i realized it too late to celebrate catch it later
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