i am not sure how to amend all these bad feelings and hostile thoughts directed at me. i have worried for along time cuz when i would write something it was so negative. i realized years ago i had nothing to write but bad things about callie. she let those times slide over her head and i finally got to the place where i saw the good from her
i think she is a good mother. in fact many times i have thought she is a much better mom than i was. i had the option of hiding behindmy jobs and payed otherpeople to help raise them. yet i find her kids much needier than my bunch
well i am in trouble again. i own the pickle again. i am the bad person
i will start off back at quantana, when gary brought the bottle of whisky and mike drank it. i was the one responsible for letting that happen. no not really but i was the one blamed. actually had i realized gary brought the bottle i would have agreed with him. let mike drink some so he can unwind and get some stress off his conscious and start to move forward. did not end that way but i remember the blame was cast on me
this time i wanted gary to go over callies for his birthday. lets see, he at first wanted a party and have them out. in order to dothat i would have had to go pick them up and take them home cuz he would have been too drunk that night to do it, having enjoyed his birthday. so lets go there. i can drive us home then we changed our minds. i put the words in his mouth he did not want to go there cuz thire house makes him feel uncomfortable. i agree the house is too dark. then i asked that last sat we at least drop off a cake and see the grandkids. he went along with me but would not do it. it seems like this was a good idea as long as i did it and he did not have to bother with it. i know how the kids love cake and i figure with mike not working money is tight enough that this would be a treat to the kids. also we are blessed with gorgeous grandkids lets go take pictures and come home. gary really avoided going over there and you know what. i am to blame this time for trying to force him to go and making a big deal of it. i am the bad person. messed up again didnt i. if i was another person i would have been heralded for trying to glue my family togather and worrying about them. cuz i am me, i was wrong
frankly i am sick of the role of being the ne to blame every time there is a foul up. i want to walk off fro my daughter. i am glad sheri warned me of the letter by the way the letter to callie was written to apoligize to her. i did not deeply read the letter, sheri told me not to read it or take it with a grain of salt. well i skimmed the letter and filed it in my folder. basically what she did was she broke down the contents of my letter, and ripped each sentence, each word apart.
callie wanted to replace me as her mther when she was a child she wanted tads mother to be her mother. that one hurt she told me. i think she wants to morph sheri into that now. sheri wants to put on her superwoman costume and help these two lost souls cuz they need help and she is the one with the power. i think the two of them are going to suckle on her pwer for awhile. so i have no faith in callie. that is what she accused me of. other than the reprive i had from this feeling of doubt in her, i guess i have no faith in her
i am not the happy supportive mother, by her side while they cower in the dark and wait for things to come to them. things like a new car, things like a job. laverne and sunny did good by them letting them live with them for 5 years, they did thier part. of course what happened there was mike and callie established squater rights and laverne and sunny could not get them out. things were pretty tense. thanks to gary we were not stupid enugh to let them move in here.
sure i considered kicking geff out of the trailer and letting them move in there, but the trailer is not in good shape. also they would have migrated here esp when we were not around which is a lot and would have established squater rights over my own home callie was alwasy bad about being free to gothru y stuff and take things. such as the time sh e stole allthe quarters fr mybedroom. she just prematurely took them i will certainly die before her in 40 50 years....
the thing that worries me is not seeing the grankids i hate to lose them but i must back off from her. she can not use them as she has in the past to reel me in.
she hurt me when she shunned me this year on my birthday.
so mama sheri tells me callie is in a world of confusion hurt and not knowing what to do. why is it clear to me. cuz what callie has to do is not easy. but she made her own bed. she should walk her ample little ass to krogers or to the dollar store and work. i am not going to make geffre call her
and this thing she started up with sheri about her jeolousy over geffre is really petty. i have alwasy been close to her cuz she is my duaghter, but he is living in the trailer on our land. otherwise the trailer would be empty. when we go away he watches over bo, nanny and the dogs. when i want a limeaide he goes and buys me one. she never ever did anything like tht. she would wait for me to go by one and while i am there buy her a cherry coke. when she lived with us, she took and took and offered nothng but bad words and feelings back.
so i was set before yesterday to move on again. the letter, sheri put a road block and caused me to stand still again. i have a life of my own and i am going to move forward.
if they lose the house i wont be surprised. if they survive and keep the home, then i will know they did indeed have resources back they did not share with the world cuz they wanted more but did not want to give more.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
the subject of this weekend
this is garys birthday weekend. he is double nickle, isnt that grand? he has not had a great birthday but it was not bad. alot of things i suggested he did not want to do, many things we could not do cuz of time constraints and or money.
the truck is now officially his. that deal worked out really well. that truck was bigger than i wanted. i would have been spending too much to keep fuel in it, now its his problem. since dave pays him mileage, it probably works better for him than it does me.
yesterday was pretty good. we got up and went and submitted our pictures for the county fair. i am proud that we made a pact we would do it and we did. if you seen all the things that need to be done around my house you would understand this was an accomplishment
gary found over 10 of his pictures he felt confident enough about to submit. i struggled over the contents of my own portfolio for days and hours and finally choose three, that i wanted to share. i dont know why iam that way. i will look forwrd to things like parites or special meetings with people then when the time comes i dont want to do, i get anxious and if allowed i will back out of it. i have tried taking that issue straight on but in the past had been slapped back, so i dont take things had on like that very often anymore.
given time all things do come to an end
i really got a rush out of entering our pictures in the contest though. i have noticed it is hard for me to feel creative when gary is aound. mostly cuz he tries so hard to help me and i am so bloody hard headed. generaly i just dont want o listen tohim. i want the advise, though. he is so smart about cameras and settings and stuff. it is like my grandmother said about me. i would cut off y nose to spite my own face and it is true
but nonethe less, i got a rush out of it gary did not pick up on this nor did he join into it. he was nervous and had difficulty setting up his pictures. i chatted on with ed and eddie like old friends now in the theme of my life, they will remember it as being gary that did. i dont know why but most people now days dont see me, they see others around me, i am like a spook. or maybe i am becoming like my mom and things dont really happen the way i think
none the less this is my story and i am telling it as i see it
one of the first things ed did when he saw my vintage rose was ask to pick it up and look at it closer. i believe he even commented this is really pretty. my vintage rose is unique at this time. i did not copy it from someone it is my original, but i believe it will be copied if the people that copy it do a better job, thats ok cuz each of us see something different. the nice thing is no one had time to see it and reproduce it in time for the contest. it is the best of my three.
i told eddie that i really wanted to drop in his class the other day. he told me his class is always open to former students. i was thrilled. i would love to see what this class is putting out. that was one of my favorite componets of the class we were in was looking at others pictures. i only ever felt one lady came close to me, and that had been on a week that i did no submissions cuz i had to go out of state on a business trip and had been more concentrated on going and learning the new computer system and getting to knowmy regional manager than listening to my own muse. i had no control over things around me forthat week so did not excercize my muse much. frankly i was blank for something to shot and uninspired that week and although gary had the concept i have yet to capture an idea for that presentation. i will not copy others people unless i see where it can be done better or i see a different side of it that they missed or int he case of krobra challenge. i still have not accomplished shockpics pics
i talked to eddie about running into janice this last week. i hope he did not take it i was looking down on her or a gossip cuz in some ways it was a bit mean. janice was this lady that at the beginning of class i did not like. she got on my nerves cuz she was always interrupting asking questions. whether anyone else got it or not she asked questions in someways we needed someone like her in class cuz he often taught above our head and i think gary mostly got him. thank goodness gary showed me later what eddie was getting t one the cameras. but janice never actually got alot of it. by the third class i befriended her though and found out i liked her she is true to herself and outspoken and one of those unique characters you met in your life that provides you with cute antidotes about the things they find to do, that keep life from getting boring. long sentence like she is. anyway while i was talking to janice the other day she pulled me aside and pointed at another woman walking down the hall to her class. she told me, that the first night of class thier class got no where cuz that woman kept stopping the instructor asking him questions and frustrated all of them. eddie laughed at that. he told me, yea i almost lost it a couple of times with her myself. he also asked me if i still had his email cuz if they ever do thier photoshoot safari, it would be cool for gary and me to go along. i felt honored cuz of of the two ed and eddie eddie was easier to read for me. eddie extended eds invite also. i got a rush out of it.
later when i talked to gary he rememberd parts of our conversation but i guess it did not interest him enough to ask me later about it
my day got better cuz one of my fav authors released a book and i am savoring geting to read it.
gary spent the day on the run. i wanted him to go to callies and celebrate his brithday with the kids but he kept finding things to keep from going there. i feel bad for suggesting it and of course i am the bad person cuz we never made it there and we ended up hurting callies feelings.
i knw callie is going thru a hard time and my heart goes out to her. but i can not rush in and fix it for her. years ago i rushed in and helped her leave kenny, this time i can not bring her back into my home as i did then. she now has two small children and gary does not want kids in the house. i love my grandchildren but i am not charitable t put my marriage on the lines for this and i like coming home to my own peace and quiet. sure i am missing alot of thier lives that could enrich my life, but at this time and for the rest of my life this is not a possibility.
i brought callie back into my house several times and it put mymarriage in jeapardy and the thing was she was an adult and needed to make it on her own all of those times. the last time we moved her ut of here tomy mothers. she made like hard for my mother who is a miser and resents anyone in her kingdom. but both of them were guilty in that story. callie took advantage of my mother and did not even try to get along with her. anyway eventually callie got kicked out of mothers cuz she was 4 or 5 months pregnant and we did not want y mom saddles with a baby in that house. i had already asked enough of my other allowing callie to come in. callie needed to ove on at that point and make the father of that baby responsible. knowing mike now it amazes me we accomplished this.
anyway callie was hurt we did not come by and i really did want to go by with a cake and balloons for the grandkids. gary told me that he was afraid that mike would pull something and after what happend on quantana beach and how mike is acting now days he no longer trusts him to behave. but woo is me, in this story i am the villan.
i know callie has had a rough year and i feel sorry for her, but she has done her own amount of hurting me back this year. she has deeply hurt me several times during her life and i thought she was over being that person, but she is not. she hurt me this year when she did not call me and wish me happy birthday. i wish she would just get the kid to draw a pciture but she can not do that much and althoug i raised her better than this one i have never reiced a grandparents day card from her and i have nevre recieved but one or two happy bosses day cards from my employees, which also hurts. but there i can see cuz i dont send ybosses those cards cuz i refuse tobe seen as a brown noser.
anyway enough about her. she is ina bad place and although i could do more it cost me too much. she needs to grow up and do something and she just does not.i think i am missing alot of truths out of thier story
anyway we ate our dinner on the beach last night. if anything can make up for mexican food being cold, it is eating it on the beach with the man you love. it was sweet and romantic of him. i am telling you he did a good job of avoiding going to callies. whether he would admit it or not.
we got home late and although
the truck is now officially his. that deal worked out really well. that truck was bigger than i wanted. i would have been spending too much to keep fuel in it, now its his problem. since dave pays him mileage, it probably works better for him than it does me.
yesterday was pretty good. we got up and went and submitted our pictures for the county fair. i am proud that we made a pact we would do it and we did. if you seen all the things that need to be done around my house you would understand this was an accomplishment
gary found over 10 of his pictures he felt confident enough about to submit. i struggled over the contents of my own portfolio for days and hours and finally choose three, that i wanted to share. i dont know why iam that way. i will look forwrd to things like parites or special meetings with people then when the time comes i dont want to do, i get anxious and if allowed i will back out of it. i have tried taking that issue straight on but in the past had been slapped back, so i dont take things had on like that very often anymore.
given time all things do come to an end
i really got a rush out of entering our pictures in the contest though. i have noticed it is hard for me to feel creative when gary is aound. mostly cuz he tries so hard to help me and i am so bloody hard headed. generaly i just dont want o listen tohim. i want the advise, though. he is so smart about cameras and settings and stuff. it is like my grandmother said about me. i would cut off y nose to spite my own face and it is true
but nonethe less, i got a rush out of it gary did not pick up on this nor did he join into it. he was nervous and had difficulty setting up his pictures. i chatted on with ed and eddie like old friends now in the theme of my life, they will remember it as being gary that did. i dont know why but most people now days dont see me, they see others around me, i am like a spook. or maybe i am becoming like my mom and things dont really happen the way i think
none the less this is my story and i am telling it as i see it
one of the first things ed did when he saw my vintage rose was ask to pick it up and look at it closer. i believe he even commented this is really pretty. my vintage rose is unique at this time. i did not copy it from someone it is my original, but i believe it will be copied if the people that copy it do a better job, thats ok cuz each of us see something different. the nice thing is no one had time to see it and reproduce it in time for the contest. it is the best of my three.
i told eddie that i really wanted to drop in his class the other day. he told me his class is always open to former students. i was thrilled. i would love to see what this class is putting out. that was one of my favorite componets of the class we were in was looking at others pictures. i only ever felt one lady came close to me, and that had been on a week that i did no submissions cuz i had to go out of state on a business trip and had been more concentrated on going and learning the new computer system and getting to knowmy regional manager than listening to my own muse. i had no control over things around me forthat week so did not excercize my muse much. frankly i was blank for something to shot and uninspired that week and although gary had the concept i have yet to capture an idea for that presentation. i will not copy others people unless i see where it can be done better or i see a different side of it that they missed or int he case of krobra challenge. i still have not accomplished shockpics pics
i talked to eddie about running into janice this last week. i hope he did not take it i was looking down on her or a gossip cuz in some ways it was a bit mean. janice was this lady that at the beginning of class i did not like. she got on my nerves cuz she was always interrupting asking questions. whether anyone else got it or not she asked questions in someways we needed someone like her in class cuz he often taught above our head and i think gary mostly got him. thank goodness gary showed me later what eddie was getting t one the cameras. but janice never actually got alot of it. by the third class i befriended her though and found out i liked her she is true to herself and outspoken and one of those unique characters you met in your life that provides you with cute antidotes about the things they find to do, that keep life from getting boring. long sentence like she is. anyway while i was talking to janice the other day she pulled me aside and pointed at another woman walking down the hall to her class. she told me, that the first night of class thier class got no where cuz that woman kept stopping the instructor asking him questions and frustrated all of them. eddie laughed at that. he told me, yea i almost lost it a couple of times with her myself. he also asked me if i still had his email cuz if they ever do thier photoshoot safari, it would be cool for gary and me to go along. i felt honored cuz of of the two ed and eddie eddie was easier to read for me. eddie extended eds invite also. i got a rush out of it.
later when i talked to gary he rememberd parts of our conversation but i guess it did not interest him enough to ask me later about it
my day got better cuz one of my fav authors released a book and i am savoring geting to read it.
gary spent the day on the run. i wanted him to go to callies and celebrate his brithday with the kids but he kept finding things to keep from going there. i feel bad for suggesting it and of course i am the bad person cuz we never made it there and we ended up hurting callies feelings.
i knw callie is going thru a hard time and my heart goes out to her. but i can not rush in and fix it for her. years ago i rushed in and helped her leave kenny, this time i can not bring her back into my home as i did then. she now has two small children and gary does not want kids in the house. i love my grandchildren but i am not charitable t put my marriage on the lines for this and i like coming home to my own peace and quiet. sure i am missing alot of thier lives that could enrich my life, but at this time and for the rest of my life this is not a possibility.
i brought callie back into my house several times and it put mymarriage in jeapardy and the thing was she was an adult and needed to make it on her own all of those times. the last time we moved her ut of here tomy mothers. she made like hard for my mother who is a miser and resents anyone in her kingdom. but both of them were guilty in that story. callie took advantage of my mother and did not even try to get along with her. anyway eventually callie got kicked out of mothers cuz she was 4 or 5 months pregnant and we did not want y mom saddles with a baby in that house. i had already asked enough of my other allowing callie to come in. callie needed to ove on at that point and make the father of that baby responsible. knowing mike now it amazes me we accomplished this.
anyway callie was hurt we did not come by and i really did want to go by with a cake and balloons for the grandkids. gary told me that he was afraid that mike would pull something and after what happend on quantana beach and how mike is acting now days he no longer trusts him to behave. but woo is me, in this story i am the villan.
i know callie has had a rough year and i feel sorry for her, but she has done her own amount of hurting me back this year. she has deeply hurt me several times during her life and i thought she was over being that person, but she is not. she hurt me this year when she did not call me and wish me happy birthday. i wish she would just get the kid to draw a pciture but she can not do that much and althoug i raised her better than this one i have never reiced a grandparents day card from her and i have nevre recieved but one or two happy bosses day cards from my employees, which also hurts. but there i can see cuz i dont send ybosses those cards cuz i refuse tobe seen as a brown noser.
anyway enough about her. she is ina bad place and although i could do more it cost me too much. she needs to grow up and do something and she just does not.i think i am missing alot of truths out of thier story
anyway we ate our dinner on the beach last night. if anything can make up for mexican food being cold, it is eating it on the beach with the man you love. it was sweet and romantic of him. i am telling you he did a good job of avoiding going to callies. whether he would admit it or not.
we got home late and although
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