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Hapyy birthday to me. one more year and i am half a century old. wow i am old. only yesterday all my basic needs was tended to by my parents. not that i yearn for those days. sometimes it would be nice to have someone that tended to allmyneeds. sometimes it would be nice to be considered high mainatnace by the ones around me and have them think enough of me not to have to be cold shouldered into buying me a birthday card for my birthday (what yours dont change dates yearly???) and even pick up the phone and call and say happy birthday mom.
i dont know hwat garys problem is. he is satisified giving me second hand rings (at least they did not belong to former fiances of his life) and i am not sure but i think that card he says he ran out and bought yesterday morning cuz i told him he was a cad for not even at least buying me a card, looks very familiar. thats what i get for not scrapbooking anymore. why he thought i should give him sheris payment for the concert tickets is beyond me. he paid for our portion, cuz i was low on money at the time Thank God he could, but i did not feel like i owed him 120 to buy beer with. in the long run cost me more than that in concert shirts and cds for every one.
Thank God for Sheri. she may not realize it but i appreciated her little gifts. i wont admit that i just bought that same cd for myself a month ago. it was a present for me when i bought the titan so i could infuse it with a little estrogen. fact is i will put it back so when i wear out this current copy i have i will put in that one. sheryle crow, how her tunes and melodies have gotten me thru many times in my life
i wish thta my family could learn from her. i would have been tickled pink if gary had just purchased gift cards to various stores, like hobby lobby which is one store down from the shop he works at. hell he did not even have to go across the street to the mall or target. no need to waste that much gas buying a token for me for my birthday. thanks again dear. i told you you bought me that car. gave you an easy out, but that really did not mean i did not expect something more. you say you you are going to tent my windows or put on the mud flaps but we both know you have things you want me to buy you for your truck cuz you never make enough money. so the things i want for my car is way down on the list of things to expectin fact forget the mud flasp i can at least get the windows tinted without help fromyou. the name of that word is self empowerment.
i really enjoyed my birthday this year though. i dont expect anything any better from him and callie of course let me down. she had a couple of years where i have actually respected and appreciated her, but she is back into old patterns and frankly i dont have time for her dramas. too bad the kids are sucked into it. i am walking around with her money for something she swaid she did not have to get paid for. not a big deal. i decided to just push the envelop and tell her that i dont have time in my own busy life to drive that far and let her struggle and wiggle to figure out how to get hold of the moeny. maybe it did bother her that geffre got my precious little mitzibishi. but he was in my site at the time. the car was too small for her and he at least makes semblance of keeping it up. she would not have been able to do this. i dont care what she says about not babysitting, she is lucky to be a stay at home mom, but at least her house could be cleaner and the kids could be involved in a few more outdoor activiites like save the moeny from a pack of cigerettes and take them to the pool for the day. take them to the library and let the librians read to them and entertain and fule imaginations for an hour once a week. there are alot of free things you can do in this life with kds. i do believe i managed to take the kids out at least once a week to do something even with me working and sometimes helping other family members thru thier difficult times. like step dad getting chemo for his cancer ect.
well i can vent as much as i want and it would do n9otthing more than be whining and complaining
i had a great brithday in the long run. it was cool and i can say i spent my birthday on a hill in a thunderstorm. the way i felt about it if iwas going to be hit by lightning better to be there there and have the reputation of being killed by lighting while watching a zz top concert than killed by some malignant disease that eats away at my body or some car wreck that would leave me to rot away and cause my family anguish of lingering life.
anyway thats the birthday. sheri bought our dinner for all of hs at mac grill and i feel bad she spent so much money. but i appreciated it.

monar

it is human to want to be liked. it means we re accepted as a pact into the rat race of humans and it offers protections from others of our species when attacked. the later part of that statement is a big understatement, cuz most people dont have more than one person, maybe two that would actually come to thier defense. most are clamouring t protect thier own little cube, cuz theycant affor d to lose very much on thier likability rating. egos which take daily beatings, do certazin things to keep thier own integrity intact.
hate. i was taught as a child thats a bad word. i was taught as a child that it was bad to say i hated someone, although at the time i severely disliked them. then as you get older you allow yourself to hate others, but you on the other hand dont want to be hated. you want that other person to like you enough to be hurt by your outburst, that they will stop doing whatevery made you mad. now this is very superfilious. there are some people out there that truly deserve to be hated for thier heinous acts against those more innocent than themselves. sorry this blog is not about them. this is about the people of every day living that suffer from passive aggresiveness. i guess this is what you call it
moner, quit. yea. i was not going to beg her to stay. i was not even going to try to offer her more money. did not think shewas worth it. there were lots of things that she held back and did not offer to the job that had she done i would have offered her more money. technically she was good at her job and technically she was one of the best on the floor. but emotionally, she was void. she would not help train new people. she refused to do anything beyond her job. she sabbatauged student lvns by refusing to work with them. she hoped for the best for her star daugher when she went thru lvn schol that no one treated the fair requel like that cuz in her moms eyes the fair raquel was unworthy of being treated like her mother saw the student lvns treated she saw on the floor other peoples brief brakes from work as her opportunity to complain why they did not help her more. while she sat there doign her crossword puzzles and suduko. she went behind my back and told a pt that already did not trust me that we were out to kill him and he needed to get out of there. she thought i did not know it was her. her final act of hatefulness was her most obvious. she put the first dent on my brand new car. it was so obvious the white paint and i curse her every time i look at it. she wanted to leave a mark to remind me how much she envied and hated me and she did. i alwasy knew she hated me. years ago she was involved in te scam of telling all my spanish speaking pts that i was prejudice and hated them. that is how i knw how she operated. the problem she had this time was the fellow staff members while they trusted her skill on her job did not trust her at all. they all knew what she was capable of and they all said the same thing i thought . she hide like a rat and laid her poop all over the place stinking theplace up.
i hope that little mouse, does what i told her to cuz the only thing i have within my pwer at this time to aim back at her is control of her last check. i will delay it getting to her. i hope it causes her anxiety. it is the only way to raise any flags back at her.
going back to whore town, is not a step up. she is going to find what should have been a step up from the depravity of my unit i can already tell is going to be its own little private hell. in some ways she knew this and she thought she would be powerful enough to control it. she alwasy resented me cuz i walked into a postion she did not feel i deserve. i sat at a desk making three times her salary and did not have to work as hard. she hated me for this. forget the fact i spent more years in college to get there. i did my time other units to get there and i was more qualified than she was to do it. she always felt she should get paid mucho money cuz she could do her job better than other techs, cuz she knew how to work on the machines dispite the fact she did not, that she could do cultures and she did not, she could order supplies and she id not and she could teach potential staff. sure if iwas a better boss i would have stepped up and told her you have to do this, this s what you are paid for. but i dont like confrontation and actually i came to not like her methodology and did not put her in place to do these things. i let her sit on her ass inwardly stewing how unhappy she was and how she needed to be exalted from her lowly stool a couple fo feet fromt he ground, to the thrown over looking all and having all look up to her.
i tried with mona for years. i did many things she never gave me credit for or thanked me for because she was so gilded shethought these things were owed to her. she never thanked me for the extra weekend pay she got when we left mgh to rcg. she never thanked me for the last min calls for family emergencies she was given the time off, she never thanked me for the fact she did not have to work 4 pts at a time and had a 3 pt load. at first when i read a good book i would bring it to her knowing she loved to read to share. when i first came back i did this each time. each time she would tell me thebook was unworthy and she did not enjoy it. i knew fromthat there was not an attempt to connect. i got over it. i have more people to share good books ith. i am not sure why she thought it was improtant to never share pcitures of her randchild with us. the mean part ofme says that the child must have been ugly and she did not want us thinking how could such a homely child come from the loins of the lovely unwed raquel. actually who cared. the lovely raquel proved to be common when shespread her legs and got impregnated with the sperm of some horny young stud without the benefits of wedlock. in mommas dream she will rise in the world of nurses and maybe even take over my job when i am old and feeble bringing in her tendrils of beauty and wisdom that she learned from her mother to change my depraved sick unit to health. this is the gest of mona longoria. the admittedly loved to write tales of fantasy. i can imagine where i was intertwined. the fat old housekeeper that turns in to a pound of poop by the lovely queen... at least i guled her imagination. ha
i hope that whore town makes her realize how easy shehad it when she worked for me. i hope that sharon is still the person i kinda remember and that mona immediately feels he brunt of sharons lack of caring. sharon needs a check and if being a boss gets it for her, sure she will lend her licsne to the place. she lends nothing else of herself to it. she is the first one out te job knocking over her employees o0n the way. i am sure she wont work the floor like i do when tom or jerry are off and although i am not a great worker any more i cna be if needed be. i wont just back off telling the world this is not what i am paid to do and hide behind feigned chest pain to cover my hang overs/ she goes back to a world with some pretty bad staff. ruby was a wart on my ass. she is bad and taints the world a sickly green where ever he goes. mona liked her cuz she could control ruby and for some reason ruby would let her. i hope that blows up in both their faces and quickly over there. she goes over there with the cow brahna who thinks she is the smartest person in the world and she knows better than anyone. i hope her and brahna get in to it some much that she goes to work with daily dread of having to even breath in the same room as brahna. cuz as far as this world goes, brahna, no matter how stupid and how self centered she is will be up the ladder from mona, cuz mona never bothered to bring herself up in this world. she rather sat on the bottom rung telling everyone what she could do than actually climb the latter and showing everyone. having to share that rung with the unhappy rung with ruby wouldbe miserable. ruby alwasy thought the world owed her more cuz it has been so cruel to her and ruby is very very bitter about it. she is severely warped and justified it all that Jesus suffered and so must she cuz after all she is the hand of Jesus. now you might say i misundersttod what she was saying. no not really. i realize in this world that we are all the hand of Jesus and it is up to us to help each other and offer our hand in help, praise, concern and love of each other. not to beat each other down. they bo0th share common ground with they think that more money brings them out of thier little rat boxes but in all it just makes it more crowded in thebox material things accummulate until you have nothing but junk surrounding you.
as a child i tried not to hate people. cuz my mom told me not to. as an adult the older i get the more peole that learn to hate me and think bad of me. most se me as unworthy. id ont do anything that makes people say wow she is good. i dont make waves. i am not pretty so it is easy to overlook my actions. i do alot of things for people but they alwasy seem to think i owed it to them for staying with me. i wont buy them dinner. i refuse to buy them birthdya gifts anymore since i am thier boss i will buy cakes. i realized that when mona left how much she must have hated the cake i bought her. i realize i messed it up with the pen and although the true story was i could not get anyone to write congrads or good luck mona on it. i should have prethought to buy her a cake. i should have arranged a party with food and drink for her. i should have given her something more than a silly little stuffed dog with signatures. in fact i did not even take of my time to make her a collage picture like i have others of memories int e unit. she did not deserve that much of my time and effort. but she missed the fact i was the only one that wen out and bougt a cake for her. i picked one up her favorite color pink and it was pretty. i bought a nice card for her, althoug i believe ipaid 50 cents for it at the dollr store and i paid under a buck for the dog that i had passed around for a going away present. jerry did things nicer and bouhgt her a meal for her last day. that was mighty nice of him and he did ot have to do it, but he did appreciate her. her expertise in her job saved him alot of work cuz he did not ave to second check her and he could trust her. not to make his work harder. i was low on money. iwas sweating my check that week cuz spent mymoney buying back my mitz for geffre.
when we first bought the titan i refuwd to drive it work cuz i told gary someone would key it or do some harm toit. well i was proved right when i drove my new altima to work and moner slammed my door into the door. she even left white paint. maybe i should have called the cops. i was thinking that last night. last night i went ot bed depressed cuz although i kenw fromt he day i walked back int he unit howmuch moner hated me. i knew she was the one that warned everyone i did not need to come back to run the unit that iwas bad news alhtough now one would every confest to me which one of them said it. i knew it was not shirley cuz she was the one that called me to come back. ruby did not know me well enough in those days. i had left her with a good feeling and jerry did not know me. mona hated me or being able to come back she thought her and lucy had squashed me when they went around telling allthe hispanic pts i hateed mexicans. it was a good thing andy was alive back then and he knw better. he knew i liked and admired him. he knew i felt concern for all my patients dispite skin color and he not only chose to ignore them but he chose to tell others that it was untrue i was a better person than that. of course andy is dead now and this time mona worked with me the opportunity to spread that around did not arise
baycity is a bad place. it isnot the type of bad place you go work cuz it empowers you. i often hate myself. i hate to watch myself for sinking too low in its belly. i spent years ashamed i worked there. i dont feel the shame like i used o. now i just dont share the information. i realize i could so brag tothe world iam the boss i am the adminastrator. i make good money. but i am not that way. when people ask me who i am i tell them i am just a nurse, and then think tomyself how iam ahsmed for telling them this when my job now longer involves direct nursing care. it involves montoriing numbers and running of the staff. a staff that hated me. i knew if i was a king the peasants would boil and eat me but we are not in that realm. well until lator gator