been awhile since i last written. thought about it alot, but there has been no free time to write and when i find it i generally have someone looking over my shoulder or talking at me, i gues trying to distract me
i feel depressed. i think feeling depressed is about having too many options. you get so crushed by all these choices you are submerged and depressed.
when i am anxious, i dont have enough choices. and apparently i am not content with any of them
the place bewteen these two places is like balancing a pole with a can underneath for me. cant seem to find more than a few seconds of having both places balanced and standing still.
my time is at a premimuim now days. more and more people want a piece of it. more and more they think they and thier time is more important than mine and more and more is my time appreciated or even noticed. it is just expected. i admit this came from garys comment, which may have been innocent enough that sheri should have kept that book people who do to much for herself. i admit sheri does alot for people. i admire that about her. valerie michelle eric and bill are lucky to have her in thier lives. i bet they underappreciate her the way i feel. i would like to say that a few times, like the time my poor little baby meany me had a hurt back and she took her to the vet, i really really appreciated sheris time and energy.
why people think cuz i am the boss that i can take off and leave when i want to. i dont, but no one appreciates that. they see the other times when i see a break and make a break as enough.
i feel as though i am struggling to stay on top of it all. i would like some free time just to play with my camera and have my world to myself, without the usual intruders for a few days. bo needs to go to callies. he means no harm and i am harming him with my reclusive attitude.
the last few days i realize i need to do something for gary. no one every does and it si myplace to do this. but i am so wrapped up in my wants i forget to address his. poor guy is really looking old. his hair is silver, what little he has left of it. i love him very much and he does not seem to expect alot from me or for me either. its the for me that drags me down. everyone brags how much he loves me and i admit it is nice to be reminded. but i would like to see him put me on a pedistle some times.
i Hope to My God that Margie does not walk in today. Please it would just be more than i can bear. i feel i am doing it all on my own. and the problems that come with that is i am the one that will fail, fornot getting it all done. the expectations on me at my job are unreal. and i am actually unable to do it all. however i am too selfish to quit.
dr l is a little napolean. he has his own agenda and he trots around in his own little self ritious world. i am sick of the threats and i think more of a person would yell at him for those mental threats he thrusts on me. such as acutes, how he will throw in my face. what are you going to do when you have to be there all night, dialyzing hiv or gun shot wounds?? well actually this is part of that job. i hate how he tries to use it as a threat against me and that is often how i feel about it. then like this new pt that is trying to gain entry into the unit. i admit i dont like this man and i think the man will be difficult and will rock our boats. i admit that if i was allowed to be choicy he would not be admitted. however it is my job to admit pts that need to dialyze there cuz that it why we areopen. it is not my job to be picky. the staff would love this cuz they would like all the easy pts in the world. they want them to come in give them a spit of dialysis and pay them for 40 hours of work. the game is to see how little work you can do for the same amount of pay. mirrors what i do. i try to get by with being off days and working short days and getting 20 hours work for 40 hours pay. has not worked that way lately. when it is not i expelct someone to look up and say you need help in your personal life. but it does not happen.
well i really need to go shower and get this day going. until later gator
